Is this controlling behaviour from H?

[Beckyk7]

Going through a funny patch. Stress and arguing so he’s only staying here a few nights a week for ‘space’ with no intimacy whatsoever. We’ve done days out together acting like a family. I’m a SAHM to our toddler. He says some days he wants the family but some days he can’t handle it. Stayed at family members house last night, said he missed me and would be round this afternoon. Text and called at 12 saying he’d be here soon. Nearly 4 hours later no show. I called and he got arsy saying I was rushing him. He was cleaning his car apparently.
I Feel a bloody burden and like I’m hard work. This patch it just doing my head in, I feel he’s controlling the whole situation and calling the shots. Aibu?

He is checking out of family life, isn't he?

I wouldn't be that certain he's staying at a family member's home, really. Dropping his stuff off and then going to meet somebody sounds more likely to me.

Well, he's definately calling the shots.

You do need to take back control and tell him he stays or he goes. Next time you see him. 'You're either a part of this family or you aren't. You can't just keep waltzing off and coming back. That's not how partnerships work'.

It's likely he'll stop off again. Fair enough, toodle pip! And don't let him back.

As pp said, he may be seeing someone else tbh.
But either way, he's a time waster imo. You'd probably be best to call it a day. But if you let him think its his idea it might be less hassle for you to make a clean break.

You have wasted a day waiting for him to be ready. How many more days will you waste waiting for him?
What @Pinkbonbon said is correct. You need to take back control he stays or he goes, he can't have it both ways.

And the reason I say ask him in person and, fir an immediate decision is, if he stomps off again and THEN comes back wanting to stay, I'd be inclined to think its because the other woman hasn't agreed to take him in.

So sit him down and tell him firmly, this isn't working for you. That, doesn't he think you also need space from family life sometimes too? That if you stay together you both need to do that going forwards but not in the way he is doing currently. That vanishing for days on end isn't OK and it isn't how partnerships work. So, either he's in or he's out but either way, decide now, because he's had enough time. Is he a part of this family or not? And if yes, he's never to make you worry like he has lately again. Or it'll be over.

@Beckyk7 You haven't said if toddler is DD or DS. Not that it really matters.
If you have a DS you risk him growing up to think it's okay to treat women this way.
If you have a DD you show her a man has the power and you follow.
What advice would you give to you DD if she was grown up and going though this?
Time to put the big girl pants on.
Good luck OP

I really do feel he is just waltzing in and out when he feels like it.
I’d be surprised if he was seeing someone because he’s stopped taking care of himself since this rough patch. He’s stopped shaving and just generally looks scruffy. I wouldn’t be surprised though if it was texting someone.

@Beckyk7 Sexting you mean.
Don't be a doormat for his behaviour, please.
You can't waltz in and out of family life and have downtime. When is he giving you a break? Does he give you a break?

Tell him that if he isn't sure about being a husband and a father then he better pack his bags and go permanently.

I did have a gut feeling I was going to have to give him an ultimatum. I felt very controlled in this situation because one day he wanted the family the next he would be cold.
I do not get any free time, it’s me and toddler 24/7 which I love but I’d never ever be able to waltz off and be vague about what time I’m back. I give him the benefit of the doubt because he works really hard (in construction ) but I’d happily do it all if he didn’t make me worry like this. This is putting a massive black cloud over me and I’ve had it

You could hand him the baby when he gets back and go away for a weekend. See how he likes it. Just have a bag packed and go without a word. Text him you'll be back in a few days then turn your phone off.

'Oh, is it one rule for thee and a different rule for me? No? Then sort your shit out pal'.

So plan your life like he isn't going to be around.

A day like today

"I will come over at midday"

"I'm taking child to the park can't say when we will be back depends on happiness/weather I'll text when we are heading home"

That sort of thing

It sounds like HE is the burden.

He chose to have a family with you and now he’s blowing hot and cold, opting in and out as and when it suits him.

As PP suggests, you need to get on with life on the assumption that he isn’t around. You might find that, once you’re making your own plans and doing your own thing, you actually prefer it that he’s not there.

But that is his problem to deal with. He’s the one who is letting the side down here.

Any man who prioritises cleaning his car over spending time with his child isn't a man I'd want in my life.

He's treating you with no respect, and kindly meant, you're letting him. Toughen up, tell him when he can come round and start putting things on your terms not his. I'm sorry you're going through this.

A good tip is also that if you think you’ve made an agreement with him that he’ll
come round at 12, always have an alternate plan too.

Give him til 12:15 and then go out and do whatever it is. Even if it’s just softplay with the toddler. Text him and say ‘you didn’t turn up at 12 as agreed, so we are going out.’ And then ignore your phone.

Take away his opportunities to control you.

Don't answer his texts and don't ask when he'll be back.

That only gives him the power to torment you and control you.

Learn to go it alone. Don't include him in dinner. If he arrives home, act surprised and say 'oh wasn't expecting you. Thought you'd left us so didn't make you dinner. In fact not sure it's a good idea you living here any days of the week'.

Truth is, you are already coping as a single parent.

He can't be in a relationship, being a Dad AND be a single man doing what he likes.

He likely will start being nasty and manipulative about it all when you take control and don’t sit around doing nothing waiting for him.

STBXH is a controlling nightmare. He refuses to make an agreement and stick to it. Instead he wants to text me last minute and expects me to make DS available to him.

On Friday, he texted me at 5.15pm
asking if he could come round to see our DS. I’d already made a last minute plan to take my kids out for dinner at that point and was walking to nursery to do pick up. I generously said he could join us if he wanted (which I certainly won’t do next time).

At 6.30 I got a reply saying he had been at an exercise class and was in gym kit. I pointed out that we were in a restaurant (nearby) and it wouldn’t be appropriate for him to turn up in gym kit! Then he started with nonsense about how I was excluding him from his son’s life and I needed to think etc.

After all sorts of absolute nonsense intended to manipulate and somehow cast me as the villain for deciding to pop into a local restaurant on the way home from
nursery (I didn’t even book - it was my last minute plan) I just blocked him and went on with my evening.

After being married to and living with a controlling bastard, I did find myself thinking through whether I should just abandon my restaurant plan - to avoid the inevitable tantrum and accusations for not living my life in suspended animation awaiting him deciding he can be bothered with ‘family life’. But recognised that and went anyway. I now recognise that I need to work on my fawning response of saying he can join us.

I am allowed to do what I like with my time. He chooses to have DS one night a fortnight and me not being available does not constitute me ‘denying him access’. The arsehole went to the gym as his top after work priority and then tried to pretend I was the one with the skewed priorities!

the point of this anecdote? If you actually think about what’s happening in your life… I bet your H is no more reasonable than my STBXH. And you are also equally conditioned to fawn and give in and even blame yourself for his failure to be a decent husband or father.

Learn from my mistakes and just make your own plans. Be really boundaried about it and do not let him control you.

🤣 What a drip. Get rid.

Thankyou MN
had the chat and I don’t think he was expecting my ultimatum
my plan going forward is to get on with my life. Plan and act as if he’s not involved. Feel empowered after these comments here so thankyou

Not a keeper.

100%. Tell him he’s lost his chance to be with you and the family and to fuck off. You’re not a puppet on a string for him to tug if or when he feels like it.

Was late to the thread aka didn’t read enough! Well done OP.

I expect you'll find another woman somewhere......

Good on you. But don't keep letting him waltz in an out as he chooses now.

It's like we say to for example, abused women - 'just because you are tolerating it and not letting it get to you, doesn't mean you aren't still being abused'.

Yes you could make other plans so if he doesn't show, it doesn't inconvenience you. But do that, single. He can be the baby's daddy and if he doesn't show, you go out. But that doesn't work as a partner in a relationship.

So if he doesn't buck up his ideas toot sweet, leave him. Don't accommodate his games. Leave.