Emotions after separation

[Bluejellyfish]

I recently separated from DH of 20 years. It was my decision - many reasons but mainly I couldn't cope any more with his ongoing mental health problems (depression, stress and anxiety) and the fact that he had been cold, and angry with me for years.

We have three teen dc and share custody 50/50.

Initially when he moved out I felt very free and like a weight had been lifted. But over the past few weeks the reality has been setting in and I'm feeling very low. Nothing seems the same - going to family events or social gatherings, where everyone else has a DH there. I feel very different from everyone else now, like everyone is in their family unit, making plans and doing things together and my life now is not like that. Going on holiday just me and the dc will feel strange. The days/weeks without the dc here seem so quiet.

I feel that my focus for so long was building a happy family - nice home, family activities, sense of a family unit etc and now all that has totally crashed. There isn't really a family unit anymore, and I feel so sorry for the dc. I don't know what my focus in life is now - obviously the dc are my main priority, but it's like I don't know how to go forward as part of a separated family.

I seem to be on such a short fuse with everyone at the moment - at work I nearly lost it in a meeting, and last week I got angry with my mum as I felt she was putting me down, but I know she was actually only trying to help. I know she was really hurt by my words even though i have apologised.

I feel like just hiding away but I have to keep going, for my dc and my job.

Has anyone else felt like this and did things get better?!

Hi bluejellyfish
I separated from my husband of 20 years two years ago this month. We had been together for almost 30 years. 3 children, one not at home. 50/50 care of the youngest who was 14 at the time. Similarly to you it was partly due to his mental health problems and his complete detachment from me as a person. I felt as if I had lost myself as a person and was in a very bad way.
I can assure you that it is completely normal to be in a cycle of feeling free and then for grieving the life you had and the life you thought you should have. Even now, I have dark days and feel desperately sad and bereft but I have found accepting that this is normal. That, this will continue to happen and that this is ok, really helpful.
If you have been together for so long it takes a long time to process our feelings and also to work out who you are.
I have had times when I hide. I stayed at home watching endless tv, stuck in an almost frozen state, struggled with work etc. But I am so much better and now I have accepted that it will hit me again, I feel so much better. I have grown as a person and begun the process of healing. You will too.

@glintwithperspiration thank you for your post. Yes, I can relate to what you say, and I felt my DH had completely detached from me as a person too. I think years of being ignored and being treated as an annoyance has resulted in my self esteem being at rock bottom, and the feeling that I have failed at life and as a person.

Thank you for the reassurance that what I'm feeling is normal. I guess it is like going through grief of what we once had and also the dream of the family life that now won't happen.

I am glad that you are feeling a bit better now and starting to heal. It sounds like the process can take quite a while though, if you have been separated for two years. I guess if we've been in long relationships there is such a lot to process and work through.

Could I ask if you stayed in the family home? I have stayed in the family home as we thought that is what would be best for the dc, to give them stability etc. But I'm finding it difficult because of all the memories etc, but equally I don't feel I have the capacity to deal with moving house at the moment!

@Bluejellyfish
I stayed in the family home, which is a rental. I also couldn't face the upheaval of moving at the time.
Let me reassure you that it has not taken until now to feel better - I was able to gradually pick myself up but then had to deal with a terminally ill parent later in the same year, which of course added to the challenge.
You will have to deal with the memories and the first time is the hardest - first birthday, holiday, Christmas etc. But next year will be a little easier.
I found focusing on exercise very helpful in the first 9 months - I went to a gym and had personal trainer once a week and learnt how to lift weights. It was good for my mental health, for focusing on myself, and I felt surprised that I could do it, and this helped me feel good about myself.
I made contact with old friends, went to parties, travelled to a party in Europe on my own. Got drunk, had a one night stand (never done before). I feel different and my exs voice has started to quieter in my head.
I had a bit of NHS CBT and this was also helpful.
Just think baby steps…. What can I do today, which will help me feel good
❤️

@glintwithperspiration thanks so much, that's all really good advice. And even though we are obviously grieving our old life or what could have been, that also sounds exciting that we now have the opportunity to rediscover ourselves, and hopefully have some fun along the way! Yes, I think baby steps is the way forward. x