Dating advice needed

[catslave23]

Have been talking to a guy for a few days from online dating, as far as just getting to know someone goes he seems great. We seem compatible in lots of ways, want the same things, he's got good chat and he makes me laugh etc. importantly though, he's not free to meet for a date for a couple of weeks. This will become relevant.

Long story short he had asked for some more pictures of me, he said that 'my profile was a little light' but it's not there's 6 images on it.

Anyway I obliged and sent him some photos and he did the same (nothing rude just generic photos).

His reaction seemed off. Hard to articulate but he just seemed uninterested. I think his reaction was 'very nice' or whatever. Then he just sort of moved on. As I said it's hard to articulate but the reaction was just off.

Anyway his odd reaction bugged me and i ended up just asking him straight if he found me attractive. He started by saying yes but then (without being asked) over explained and said something along the lines of sometimes people look better in real life and that he'd had the issue before where he didn't think he fancied someone but then met them and did and they had a relationship for a good while so he doesn't judge.

Me being me I couldn't help myself but to ask if he was unsure if he fancied me then and to his credit he was honest and said he was unsure but was cautious about having an option based on photos as he's been wrong before. I asked why he matched if he didn't fancy me and he said 'you looked nice & normal'

Obviously the moral of this story is don't ask questions you don't want the answers to but I've done it now. I was straight with him that whilst I agree you never really know until you see someone it felt weird now that I knew there was no attraction there for him. He was perfectly nice and said he completely understands but would still like to meet as he has thought this before and been very wrong but understands if I don't want to.

Part of me thinks, go on the date, it's no different to any other time where someone says 'the chemistry isn't there' or whatever which is perfectly acceptable and not something I worry about.

The other part of me thinks building any further connection is futile now because I have this information and it'll make any date awkward as it's going to throw me off and make me feel on edge.

If the date was very soon I think I'd definitely go but the fact he can't meet up for a couple of weeks makes it feel pointless to invest all that time in chatting to someone who doesn't even fancy me.

Then I tell myself attraction can grow and he hasn't even seen me in the flesh!

Help!

What should I do?

It’s a tricky one because I do actually agree with what he’s saying, I met my ex in person, however if I’d seen pics of him on a dating website I wouldn’t have swiped as he’s just not photogenic and wasn’t my typical type, but in person we had the most amazing chemistry and I fancied the pants off him!

I'm also not photogenic and every date I’ve ever been on from online says I look really different in real life.

But….. I don’t like that he’s said that and when you sent the pics, all he needed to say was ‘beautiful’ or some other lovely comment…. The fact that he didn’t and doesn’t care that he’s hurting your feelings and not being sensitive and emotionally aware is a red flag to me.

I’d move on from this one personally, as I reckon he’d be the type to always make you feel not good enough, but I’m also aware of how bloody hard it is to actually match with someone you like on OLD 🤷🏽‍♀️🤣

This seems to be a lot of drama and overthinking for a few days chatting.

The fact he’s already got you questioning before you’ve even met isn’t a good ring imo and personally it would be a thanks but no thanks for me.

As for being 'photogenic' I wouldn't say I was. In that I don't look like americas next top model in photos but I think I look like me.

Asked friends opinion (when I set up the profile) and all agreed they were all realistic pictures etc and dates I've had before have all said I look like my pictures but also look really nice in person!

I've honestly never had someone straight up say they don't fancy me. Obviously I won't and I honestly not big headed but I think if you put our two picture next to each other I'd be the more attractive one of the couple!

I agree that it's a lot of drama which is very unusual for me. I'm a pretty seasoned dater now after 8 months and I've got a pretty thick skin. A date is just that, a date, I don't carry expectation of more than a date, but equally I want to meet someone. I don't want to waste my time or lose someone that it otherwise seems I would get on with well.

Maybe he is just looking for a shag.

Can you FaceTime with him before meeting?

To be honest, I agree with him that you don’t know if you find someone attractive unless you meet in person. I wouldn’t waste time agonising over that fact! I think this applies to us women even more as men are more into the visuals, we need more than that. I definitely can’t decide if I m attracted to someone without hearing their voice, smelling them, seeing how they move etc.

Sure we could FaceTime but I'm not sure how that's different to seeing an image of someone?

If he just wanted a shag then I'm not sure he'd set a date two weeks away, tell me he was unsure about finding me attractive and say he still wants to meet me even though he is unsure.

We've planned to meet for lunch or dinner half way between our towns so it's not like we're popping back to either of our houses for a shag.

What he said wouldn’t put me off as it’s an awkward subject and he was trying to be upfront by saying he wants to meet as photos are not the best gauge of attraction. BUT, it’d get my spidey senses going that he cannot meet for two weeks…

Being attractive won't necessarily make him find you attractive. Some people have very specific taste, like my ex had identikit girlfriends, all tall and skinny with long dark hair and tanned/olive skin. Maybe you had the wrong colour eyes or not enough/too much makeup.
If it was me I wouldn't bother. Like you say, I would feel too self conscious that he didn't fancy me.

For me, people look different in a still image to real life. I think that's what makes some people photogenic and others not.

If I'm being honest, DP doesn't look great in photos. Had Tinder been a thing when we'd started dating, I'd probably have swiped right (or left, just realised I have no idea which way means you're rejecting someone)

But in real life, when her face is in motion, she's beautiful. We met out and about and I fancied her the moment I spotted her.

So I can completely see where this guy is coming from, yes maybe he doesn't find you attractive right now, but knows that might change in person.

However, I do think this date is doomed. You pushed and pushed and now you're both going to feel awkward. He probably thinks your self esteem is in the gutter, you're going to be too conscious of your appearance all night. I'd cut your losses now.

I think he was hoping for nudes and was disappointed.

And I think he's negging you a bit to get you to try harder.

Consider going on the date by all means, but look out for him putting you down and ditch him immediately if he does.

I agree. Send me more photos normally means ‘ones showing a bit of skin’

And as the OP didn’t give him what he was asking for he’s sulking

If someone can't meet me for two weeks, I don't spend 2 weeks chatting to them. I say 'is it rare that you cannot meet people for weeks at a time?' If the answer is 'no, I'm a very busy person' then they do not have time for a relationship, so I end it there.

If the answer is 'yes, (eg: I just happen to be on holiday abroad those two weeks)' i say 'cool, let's pick this up again in 2 weeks time then'.

You don't need to chat for 2 weeks with someone without meeting. If there were 3 or more profile pictures on your page already I would also have said no to more pictures. I don't put myself out like that for one guy I've never met. Get comfortable with the word no.

Chances are he's a time waster.

You also set yourself up asking those questions.
You've now told him you are overly invested in what a stranger thinks about your looks. Even though you may just be trying to gather info so as not to waste your time, it reads as insecure. Which makes you a prime target for men who want to take the piss, or worse.

What a charmer. Asks for more photos then basically tells you that you're not good looking enough for him but he's such a nice guy that he might give up some of his precious time and meet up with you in a couple of weeks' time when he might be free just in case you're prettier in person.

He's probably a 2 that thinks he deserves a woman who's a 10. He's also probably married and looking for extra attention or a pathetic basement dweller looking to mess innocent women around. Either way, I would tell him to fuck off.

Too many of these twatty blokes who have magic mirrors and think they should have women out of their league falling at their feet.

Saw a bloke on OLD the other day in his 60’s - short bald fat and pasty - saying he wanted a FWB no older than 45 and no bigger than a size 10. These muppets are deluded

I wouldn't bother with this one OP. To me it sounds like you're just an option to him and he's still looking. He's already negging you by putting the idea in your head that he might not fancy you in real life, that's if you even get so far as meeting up and he hasn't met someone else he prefers in the meantime. Also, as pps have said more photos means more skin on show, not just more everyday pics.

I mean I understand it could read as insecure. I'm not but I understand that's it could have come across that way.

Thanks for all the reassurance. I did end up politely declining his offer of a date a couple of weeks ago and wished him all the best.

Onto the next

This reminds my of a person I was talking to online who asked for a video call before we met so "he could make sure I looked like my photos." I found that fairly offensive. I didn't meet him (or do the video call)

Urgh, just seen this is done! Probably a good call, OP.

I had a relationship from OLD with someone who chose to contact me because I looked like an ordinary woman. That suited me because physically that's me. My photos were the real me. He on the other hand did not look as his photos suggested. We could not meet for 3 weeks as we both had things on. Go with the flow. Do what suits you