Should I leave my DH?

[Tattooedteacher0621]

Hello - advice would be good thank you!
With DH for 14 years, married for 10.
Miscarriage 6 years ago. Very sparse sex life tbh. I lost 5 stone last year and we haven’t had sex in all that time. I’m 37, he’s 38. We both want children but as we don’t have a sex life it seems unlikely. He has a medical issue that impacts his sexual performance and I am absolutely fine with that and very supportive but he doesn’t help himself when he doesn’t take his treatment seriously.

Outside of that, marriage is pretty standard. He’s a nice guy who treats me right but I don’t know if I can live my life without having tried for my own baby nor can I have a boring or non existent sex life.

I’m going to suggest marriage counselling and/or sex therapy. We have a mortgage so there’s financial implications if we split.

Different perspectives welcomed. Ta x

Just leave. You are ridiculously young to compromise and settle for a sexless relationship.

I feel the same! Otherwise I wouldn’t even be considering it! It’s just the difficult part - having the conversation and working out next steps.

The lack of children or minimum effort of ttc would be a massive issue to me. How do you feel with the following if you were 60 and looking at your life:

1. you stay together and never had kids with a lack of sex life
2. you separate but it’s biologically too late to have kids with another person and you either do find someone who could be more intimate or what if you don’t find another partner?
3. you separate and do end up having kids someone else?

What would bother you the most? Guess I’m just trying to understand if the kids or lack of intimacy is the biggest issue.

Thank you for this :-)

TBH, scenario 1 is worst case and I absolutely will not be letting that happen!

Scenario 2 is better because I would love a better sex life - if I don’t find another partner, I guess that’s a risk I would take.

Scenario 3 is best case - but it’s the timeframe that’s the issue.

There is secret option 4 - I’ve considered suggesting a sperm donor. Take the pressure off DH. He might say no but it’s something I’m willing to do alone.

With option 4 would you be happy staying with DH if you had a child even if the sex life still isn’t great?

Difficult to say - when I say no sex life, I mean all aspects so it’s not even like we can just have foreplay for life. Sorry if that’s TMI.

I'd say no I wouldn’t be happy. I would give him the opportunity to actually make an effort though. That way no stone is unturned.

For me you don’t sound done with your DH yet. Sounds like a frank conversation is needed about your wants and needs. That you could settle for forplay over full sex etc. that having a child is a big priority for you. Lay your cards on the table and the consequences too. That you can’t picture yourself in a childless sex less marriage for the rest of your life so something has to change

I agree with @Georgethecat1 have a very frank and matter of fact conversation with him. Then make your decision.

Have you tried talking to him about it? What does he say? Is he defensive, or open to conversation about how you feel and how to work through it as a couple?

But a frank conversation might lead to him changing temporarily and then reverting to type. She doesn't have the time for that.

Here's the scenero I hate to say but watched it once happen - you seperate and he has a kid. Guy didn't have sex issues though so a little different.

Either way you sound bored tbh - you've been together since you were 23?

Some people are less happy after splitting but from the sounds of your post you seem a positive person who'd do well with a bit of freedom. I was with my first husband from age 19 to 27 and 10 years later I live abroad! You never know where life will take you 😊

Would he be open to assisted fertility with his sperm?
Would his treatment make this possible (if he uses it properly).
You mention that you both want children, but has be talked about it in the last 6 years? As in has be mentioned any fertility intervention or adoption or anything?

weve spoken before and things get better for a short period then nothing. In Nov 2023, I had this convo with him and he made a real effort and we were more intimate but he couldn’t complete the job as it were. There’s defo some anxiety around it and his medical issues don’t help. I had asked to him to go to the doctors and he says he did but won’t go into what was said. I don’t think he did go to be honest!

If we split and he had a kid, I’m sure it would be heart wrenching but also a sign that he’s with the right person. I mean there has to be a reason he’s not able to do this with me. Yeah we were 23 and 24 when we met so fairly young, married at 27 and 28.

I will certainly ask him about this! His treatment wouldn’t make it wholly possible but losing weight would. Yeah we’ve spoken about it and tried (not sustained - see 2 posts previous!) and he maintains he does want kids.
I’ve asked him to go to docs and like I say he says he’s been but I don’t know how much I believe this…

I am open to adoption but I want to try for a biological child first and foremost. Xx

This is so difficult,@Tattooedteacher0621. You’re way too young for a sexless marriage, where he does nothing to bring you pleasure, unless this is what you both want (and it isn’t what you want).

You could well have several more decades before you - imagine yourself at 70 or 80 and still with your DH but with nothing having changed with regards to your relationship and no children. How does that feel to you? Is that what you want for yourself? I’m guessing it isn’t.

I’m mid-50s. The years pass quite quickly. 37 does not feel like the best part of 20 years ago, I can tell you (but just to reassure you on ageing - I’m loving being my age!). But the point is you can’t let this situation persist for too long.

Your 4th option could work well except that it could bind you to your H in circumstances where you’re not happy with your sex-life, unless you’re able to separate and co-parent successfully. That might work.

I knew someone whose relationship had effectively drifted into the brother/sister space but both partners very much wanted children and time was somewhat pressing. They managed this with very little sex and remained together when the children were little and parted when they were that bit older. I think it was pretty amicable and the children were secure and contented. It wouldn’t have been a first choice for either of them but it was the solution that worked best for the situation they were in.

Or give him the ultimatum he goes to GP sorts out his knob and you guys have an active sex life trying for kids in the process.

Sounds very difficult op, you're both so young to be accepting a sexless relationship. Was if ever good in the early days?

Well done on losing all that weight! Many men however do like big women, do you think physically you aren't his type anymore?

He needs to open up to you, either he doesn't fancy you, has a porn habit, a hidden kink or as you say a medical issue but the relationship as it is without open communication and effort from him isn't one many would accept.

Hello! This was such a lovely message to read and I agree with all you’re saying! RE what you’re saying about option 4 - he’s not a bad fella in the slightest but I am the kind of person that would continue to need passion in their lives. Gonna chat to him tonight and I’ll update xx

We had a decent sex life early on. I’d say it got worse after we married. Life does take its toll but there’s got to be some kind of physical aspect imo. I’ll be asking him all the things you’ve mentioned. I know for a fact isn’t not a porn habit - I’d be fine if he did watch but he doesn’t. Like ever. He also doesn’t pleasure himself, which I find unusual for a man? Maybe I’m wrong! There is defo a medical issue that directly affects his libido and he’s sought help for it. He doesn’t use the treatment which is bad for both us physically but his actual health generally.