Insomnia post infidelity still a problem years later

[movingontonew]

I had to deal with the huge shock of infidelity. It was very out of the blue, I didn't pick up on warning signs, I didn't have any sort of inkling that could have slowly prepared me for it. I was only aware of it when I saw my husband with his colleague arriving back from a business trip and he didn't know I was there waiting in the arrivals lounge (surprise!) but the chemistry between them was unmistakable to the point that I even felt bad that he was stuck in a marriage with me. I felt betrayal, rage, hurt, numbness, fear (I was overseas as we were expats and could have found myself stuck) all the usual stuff but also incredible sadness that he probably was never that into me and that in turn made me sad for our children. Anyway I'm not here about the marriage but fast forward quite a few years (6 years roughly) and I still suffer with terrible insomnia. It's wrecking my health. I can't get to sleep ever since D-day. I cried so much I just didn't go to bed and ever since my sleep pattern is totally messed up. I stay up really late, my brain racing, not sleepy at all. Is it PTSD, depression, anxiety? Can it really go on this long?

Did you forgive and you’re still together?

Insomnia can go on for as long as it wants. What have you tried so far to sort it out?

Nothing so far. I feel like I need some sort of sleep retraining. I don't know if I should try an app or some sort of supplement. Maybe hypnotherapy. I don't know but I find going to sleep distressing now (not sleeping itself, I can stay asleep) because at the time I was quite shocked and sadden by how easily my spouse could go to sleep the very same night as me catching his infidelity. He's never had a sleepless night over it.

Why are you with him op?

It does sound like you have a trauma associated with sleeping, but if you are anywhere near the menopause that will be adding to it.

Are you with your husband still? Did you have any counselling?

Yes still together. Not sure if I have forgiven. I don't think it's how I ever felt long term. I don't know what I have to forgive because my overriding feeling is that maybe I was never the one really and I don't feel like I can blame him for that. I needed some time to get some practical matters sorted after a long time overseas, buying a house etc. I put a lot of my life on hold for his career so at the time I was extremely exposed. I felt deeply betrayed. I think the only thing I haven't been able to truly forgive is that he knew how much I had risked and sacrificed for his international career, how much loneliness and isolation I had to live with especially as his work involved so much travel even though I was already based overseas but I was often overseas and alone with young children back then. It's a very complicated lifestyle financially and legally in terms of child custody and having financial security. Also that I'm an only, my marriage was my single biggest investment having given up stable friendships to live overseas and having no proper family to come back to as I don't have siblings. He has a wealthy family with lots of siblings and sees the world through the eyes of someone who's always had a big family.

What a really horrible situation for you to be in. Did you discuss this relationship at all?

I am reconciled so I do have experience of staying after infidelity.

You have clearly not healed.

Can you tell me what your husband has done to help you feel safe and secure again?

That might help us understand why you are struggling.

Sounds like he's thriving in the relationship and you're dying.

He must see this.

This definitely sounds like a trauma symptom. Betrayal trauma is a real thing. Have you had any therapy? I feel for you OP- what an awful situation

I’m sorry OP.
Why exactly did you stay? Did he end the affair straight away? You seem to believe you aren’t good enough for him. Does he tell you that or does that come from you?

What do you want your future to be?
Are your DC still at home?
Have you got a career back now?

💐