How to know when 10 year relationship is done?

[Daffodil2022]

Hi all, I’m 25 & been with my partner for 10 years this year. The relationship has not been the best since the start & truly feel like I have some sort of trauma bond because it’s like extreme anxiety when it’s came to not being together. Deep down I know that we should’ve broken up, but as I was so young I just forgive things, we moved past and worked on stuff & been somewhat okay, but now I’m at the point where he’s talking about getting our own place this year and I just don’t feel like it’s right.

because of this, I’m feeling extreme guilt. Even though deep down he knows the relationship isn’t 100% as we are NEVER intimate, I wouldn’t remember the last time we said the words love you to each other or anything physical with each other. We also argue a lot.

he just ignores this and pretends everything is fine. I attempted speaking about this but end up feeling guilty as he becomes upset & says at this point how much he wants to be with me, but day to day it’s like we’re just friends.

I have no friends, literally 0. So I have no one to speak to about this or support me, I have family but just don’t feel comfortable especially as he’s also really close with them also. So this is another thing making me feel guilty for feeling this way. I feel SO alone & the thought of ending a 10 year relationship is giving me severe anxiety, but so is the thought of staying together when I have a strong gut feeling that something isn’t right.

i feel so so so low, alone and confused. Also like I’ve wasted so many years of my early 20s, I don’t even know what answers I’m looking for but I just need some sort of comfort and help. A whole decade of my life and I feel quite lost at this point

You dont need to feel guilty. It is not much of a relationship if you argue, you are frequently forgiving things, are not intimate or close at all…

It will be tough at first to end it but it will be ok and you know deep down its the right thing. At least you dont live together. You need to keep busy in those first weeks. Why have you no friends? No colleagues at work you get on with?

@Daffodil2022 - it’s so sad that you have spent 10 years in a relationship that isn’t particularly good.

There’s a great MN saying: “don’t set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm”. It’s absolutely not your job to stay in the relationship because he wants it.

In fact, it’s your job to walk away so that both he and you can spend time single so you can build an independent life and then in due course you and he can both find partners who are more compatible.

You need to find yourself, OP. Make some friends. Live the life you want for yourself. Your family may be fond of him but they’ll get over it. Life is not a dress rehearsal. You only have one shot. You likely have several decades ahead of you but don’t waste any more time with the wrong partner. This guy is the wrong partner. You can set both him and you free now.

I have been with my DH since I was 15 also, I am now 29 with a 1 yo. From the word go, we went through an awful lot together, I suppose as you said, trauma bonded. Throughout our 14 years together, we have had so many downs, but also so many ups. I feel I got to around 10 years and felt like I had missed out on opportunities, and 'exploring' with other people. I almost felt some kind of resentment towards that. Luckily me and DH have always managed to communicate in a healthy way and work through these feelings. I feel like I'm rambling, but I would say, if you think of yourself in another 10 years time, can you see yourself with him? If you can't, please don't feel guilty for that, you deserve happiness and freedom to do you. This is your life girl, we are all living on an invisible clock, do whatever is good for your soul and always go with your gut, it never lies. X