Does counselling work? Struggling with relationship post kids

[Busby88]

Hi all, long time mumsnet user but first time posting on the relationships board.

My relationship with my partner hasn’t been great for some time. We are very much in the friend / roommate zone and I have no real sexual feelings towards him currently. That is partly because we have a 10 month old who is a terrible sleeper and also a high energy three year old who just exhausts us in the day. I’m still breastfeeding too, have recently gone back to work, so just to be honest sex is not on my radar. Aside from that though we have started to argue more and more. It almost always boils down to my frustration over him not doing enough in the house. And then on his side he resents me for not being fun any more (that’s me putting words into his mouth and summarising a bit).

None of this can continue and to be honest there have been times when I’ve really thought we’d be better off apart. To the point where I’ve even looked into how things would stand financially if we were to separate.

But I am reluctant to bite the bullet for two reasons. 1) I couldn’t stand to be apart from my kids for 50 per cent of the time, I know that’s selfish but it’s just how I feel. The eldest in particular is a total mummy’s boy too and he would absolutely hate to be away from me for a night let alone longer. And 2) I am clinging onto some hope that as we are still in the baby and toddler years that things might improve once we are sleeping and the kids are more independent.

Those of you who have had relationship counselling, does it actually work? It seems so expensive but I do feel like it’s something we should try.

Or should we just cut our losses now while the kids are young and should I just suck up the fact that two separate happy parents would be better for the DC than two miserable together ones.

And has anyone had any experience of their relationship improving as kids get older?

If you and he were to separate would he really be able to look after his children half the week?. I would think that between his work and leisure time he would end up
seeing the kids a lot less than this. Also 50:50 is but a starting point, some men use 50:50 as a way of avoiding paying child maintenance.

given too he is not pulling his weight around the house this situation too is unlikely to change. Do you also think he would be amenable re joint counselling sessions? If he refuses then go on your own. It is better to be apart and happier than to be together and miserable. The kids should not be used as glue here to bind you and he together.

Honestly I think he would struggle to have them 50/50 but I think he would want to try, and not just to get out of maintenance as I think he would be fair financially.

I think he would be open to idea of counselling if it wasn’t so expensive! He has had therapy before so I know he’s not against the idea personally. But we are currently paying a lot for nursery fees so we’re quite stretched.

We had a very similar age gap between our children. We fell into the ‘friends zone’… actually sometimes I didn’t even want to be his bloody friend! However, as the children got older and a little more independent, we found time for each other again and in turn our relationship improved and we are back on track.

It’s so hard when you’re both so tired and working bloody hard. I hope there is light at the end of the tunnel if you want there to be.

Oh yeah, and it feels like everything you earn goes to the nursery! It’s relentless!

OP - I think it's too early to throw in the towel. You are in the baby/toddler phase and it's really challenging for many (most?) people. Adjusting to two kids, no sleep with baby is much harder when there is a toddler needing attention. Breastfeeding.

At this point - if you have a bit of extra money - I'd invest it into getting more help. Rather than talking at counselling about H not pulling his weight - get a cleaner in. Remove that as additional irritant.
Get a little bit of babysitting - so that two of you can do something. OR maybe so that YOU can get a break.
I found that in those early years - the couple needs to make it through and survive the physical challenges of exhaustion, etc. And - when it gets better - and it WILL for sure as the baby gets to a more manageable sleep pattern - then you may be able to get more of a focus on the relationship.

There is a hierarchy of needs - physical survival - sleep, rest, etc - come before emotional/relationship needs.