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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Resentment damaging relationship

3 replies

tabbycat19 · 06/04/2024 19:41

I find my relationship with DM can be quite strained, this is due to things that have happened in the past.

We had a period of being quite close but I feel we've mostly been fairly distant from each other.

DM can be kind and helpful, but I find our relationship difficult since the birth of my children.

We were semi close prior to this and in the early days but I think becoming a parent myself has made me realise a lot of things in my own childhood were far from ideal.

Perhaps it was the era but we seldom did things as a family, no one ever came to anything at school, no plays, award ceremonies etc. holidays we were packed off to grandparents. I just had to get in with it, as a result I was a lonely child with few friends a feeling that has always stayed with me.

When we finally put down roots and I made friends I was very happy. For the first time in my life I felt settled and close to DM. This was a great time in my life and I remember it fondly.

This lasted around three years until I came home one day to be told we were moving an hour away as the school I was at wouldn't suit my sister and that was that.

We moved away from all our family and friends to make my sisters life better. It made my life far far worse. I was 14 in a new place with no friends, no support network and my parents just left me to it. They watched me struggle and basically drown in loneliness and did nothing to help or intervene.

I'm so resentful and can't imagine doing that to my children. It has had far reaching consequences throughly my life. I ended up in a long and abusive relationship as a 16 year old because I was so afraid to feel that lonely again.

My parents never even noticed the slow dulling of my happiness, and if they didn't they didn't say anything.

I feel a bad daughter for being so bitter as I have a nice life now but these thoughts eat me from the inside out every day.

Am I awful for not being able to move on and for being so resentful

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 07/04/2024 08:02

I don’t see how you can get rid of resentment, I wish I could ditch mine, it would make my life happier.

twohotwaterbottles · 07/04/2024 08:07

Aw OP it's tough. I had a similar situation. My parents weren't really bothered. Too wrapped up in their own life and actually moved house without me when I was 15. I had to stay with various friends of theirs until I'd finished my o levels. You can imagine how that went. As a consequence I've been an anxious attached type and this has affected my relationships. So my advice would be seek some counselling and explore dealing with it for you. I've kind of accepted that you can't change how your parents were and are and some of them are selfish and have no clue or interest in proper parenting. I'm 55 and only just sorting it all out. Hugs OP

GreyCarpet · 07/04/2024 13:53

I'd seek therapy to allow you to process these feelings.

It doesn't sound as though any of this was done deliberately to sabotage you but that, equally, your needs and feelings were recognised. You weren't seen.

Therapy would help you to move past the resentment.

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