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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm not sure how I feel about this

26 replies

Forgotten22 · 06/04/2024 15:05

There's a guy I really like, but he really likes someone else.

In short, he took the plunge and asked her out and she recently rejected him. He was pretty upset about it and came to me for comfort, talking about how much he likes the woman and how upset he is that she's not interested.

A few days later he has asked me out.

It's upset me even though I've liked him for a while. It's clear how much he likes the the other woman. I feel like I want to say no?

OP posts:
Mrsttcno1 · 06/04/2024 15:06

Definitely say no! Don’t start any kind of relationship of as a rebound.

Pantaloons99 · 06/04/2024 15:07

I'd say no at this moment in time. It's very possible you could be a great match but this just feels really off so soon. Are you quite young? This feels like a teenager situation.

Original poster
Forgotten22 · 06/04/2024 15:09

Not so young. Were both mid 20s. It's just upset me because I've liked him for a while but this is the scenario he's finally asked me out in.

Obviously if I'm upset my gut is telling me something is wrong. I'm going to say no to him. I never thought I'd say that though but I think you're both right.

OP posts:
Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 06/04/2024 15:11

Forgotten22 · 06/04/2024 15:09

Not so young. Were both mid 20s. It's just upset me because I've liked him for a while but this is the scenario he's finally asked me out in.

Obviously if I'm upset my gut is telling me something is wrong. I'm going to say no to him. I never thought I'd say that though but I think you're both right.

The danger is that, if you DID go out with him, you'd always wonder if he wouldn't rather be with the other girl. Plus you might have to put up with him talking about her all the time! I think you're quite right to turn him down, after all, you were his second choice and you should NEVER be anyone's second choice!

betterangels · 06/04/2024 15:12

No and no again. Clearest case of rebound ever. Don't let him treat you like that. If he wants to date you, he can wait a bit.

opentoadvice88 · 06/04/2024 15:13

Only go if you’re happy being runner up and potentially being used to either fill a void or make her jealous.

It wouldn’t appeal to me.

SamW98 · 06/04/2024 15:13

No OP. Please don’t be his fallback girl. Wait for someone who makes you their first choice

category12 · 06/04/2024 15:22

Definitely say no.

I would back off from him entirely if I were you - it's no good for you being someone's shoulder to cry on if you fancy them.

Over40Overdating · 06/04/2024 15:25

Say no! You will always feel like second best even if it turned out you were a good fit.

I am always wary of men who feelings dump on female friends about their other relationships and then ask them out - he’s either someone who will have his head turned by a comforting ear every time he hits a bump in life and / or so emotionally unintelligent that he can’t see that dumping on you about how his perfect woman has rejected him and then asking you out is actually quite offensive to you.

Original poster
Forgotten22 · 06/04/2024 15:25

Thank you everyone for all your advice.
You've all made me much more confident in my decision to say no to him.

OP posts:
Kay101 · 06/04/2024 15:34

Definitely no. You’re not a rebound for anyone

betterangels · 06/04/2024 15:35

category12 · 06/04/2024 15:22

Definitely say no.

I would back off from him entirely if I were you - it's no good for you being someone's shoulder to cry on if you fancy them.

This is true, OP.

Watchkeys · 06/04/2024 15:50

'I feel like I want to say no' isn't a question.

pinkyredrose · 06/04/2024 15:51

Tell him to get to fuck. No- one wants to be the consolation prize.

Mydahliasareshit · 06/04/2024 16:05

It's already doomed because of this, which is temporarily annoying for you, but he didn't have eyes for you OP, otherwise he'd never have told you. You're much better off knowing and keeping your dignity while he pines over 'the one that got away'.

greatvisuals · 06/04/2024 16:29

Say no for now.

If he really, really wants to be with you make him work for it for 6 months!

B1rd · 07/04/2024 00:07

Tell him that your are flattered by him asking you out, but he was only trying to date your friend a few days ago.. I dont think now is the right time for you to ask me.

Make him wait....

Watchkeys · 07/04/2024 06:25

Anybody advising you to make him wait or make him work is advising you to play games, OP. When you meet a compatible partner, the way that you can tell your compatible is that neither of you needs to 'make' the other do anything or understand anything, because they already do.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 07/04/2024 06:33

Ewww. He thinks that you'll appreciate being his last resort? That 'I suppose you'll have to do for the time being' will make you grateful?

He can fuck right off.

loadingposts · 07/04/2024 07:41

Agree that you should say no but you could use it as an opportunity to tell him you do like him but you are definitely not prepared to be someone's 'runner up prize'. It doesn't work like that and you're only interested in one day having a relationship with someone who only wants you.

And then leave it there. If he really is just confused and genuinely only wants you then in time it'll be obvious but right now, it needs to be left well alone. You are not the consolation prize.

MmedeGouge · 07/04/2024 07:50

Just to put a different spin on things:- Maybe he had only thought of you as a friend but after you spent some time with him, listening to his troubles, perhaps he started to see you differently.
Sometimes there is no initial spark and an attraction develops through friendship.
I think I would make a joke about the quick turn around of his feelings and possibly give it a whirl depending on his response.
Good luck!

CurlewKate · 07/04/2024 07:54

When I brought relationship issues to my mother (And I did. A lot!) she used to say "If you had a daughter, what would you advise her?"

Catandsquirrel · 07/04/2024 20:06

I'd actually be really straightforward here. I would quite casually say 'I've actually enjoyed your company for a while but am going to have to say no as only a couple of days ago you were devastated over Sarah turning you down. I hope you feel better about that situation soon but I'm not looking to be a rebound'.

A PP makes a good point about him having his head turned easily by emotional support but if this is genuine he will be back if he knows you may be interested.

Don't rule him out forever but this is a bad time so don't jump in anytime soon. You wouldn't feel secure in the relationship without him showing it's actually you he is keen on. If people want to call it game playing not to say either an immediate yes or a permanent no then fair enough.

Original poster
Forgotten22 · 23/06/2024 17:42

Forgotten22 · 06/04/2024 15:05

There's a guy I really like, but he really likes someone else.

In short, he took the plunge and asked her out and she recently rejected him. He was pretty upset about it and came to me for comfort, talking about how much he likes the woman and how upset he is that she's not interested.

A few days later he has asked me out.

It's upset me even though I've liked him for a while. It's clear how much he likes the the other woman. I feel like I want to say no?

Just wanted to provide an update on this situation...

I said no to him shortly after I started this thread and read the replies. I said that it didn't feel right when he likes someone else so much.

Couple months later he had completely stopped talking to this woman, so I actually asked him if he'd like to go on that date he suggested because I'm interested.

He said no and we're better off as friends 😂

We now haven't said a word to eachother for a week when we were talking everyday before.

OP posts:
Catandsquirrel · 24/06/2024 10:58

Well I think you handled it well and saved yourself upset if you actually liked him. If he'd been interested he would have been happy to be asked a couple of months after and understood your reasons for waiting. Sounds like a rebound suggestion to me.