Can we mend our issues to get back together

[thelattelover]

Can people who were together a lifetime and break up come back together to fix issues and leave the past in the past or can it never work??

We've been together 25 years and have children both still under the age of 10. Our communication skills broke down on both sides and we ended up being more like room mates than lovers. We separated just about a year ago but have both found it very difficult and still find that we still very much love each other. I can finally see from his perspective things he felt about me that I need to work on and communicate openly and honestly with him about, he says he sees where he went wrong with me and how we should have put more effort into one another. We both see where we ended up poisoning a great relationship and we'd both like to fix it but are both terrified it might not work and if we will mess things up again.

Neither of us want the children to know if we decide to try this out because we both know we need to go way back into our past and fix past issues that kept coming up within the relationship and caused arguments, we would obviously need couple counselling and 100% truth and honesty and put things to bed once and for all..... But can this be done?? Can trust be built up again? Can people learn from previous actions and and come back together to make something much stronger. I think we both really see where we took each other for granted and read situations wrong because our communication skills broke down but is it enough to make it work a second time round. Has anybody done this before what did you do and why did it work or not work out? We both stillvery much love each other the attraction is still there and that spark but we're both afraid of past experiences happening again

It absolutely can if both parties are willing to work toward it and know exactly what needs to be worked on. A clear roadmap is essential for both.

I don't know, my instinct is no.

I think acknowledging your own part in a breakdown of a relationship is important as part of getting over that and not repeating the same mistakes again in future relationships.
Applying that to the same relationship would be difficult as it would be so easy to fall back into old patterns, not to mention the affect it may have on children. It's a tough one.
After 25 years, is it not just because they are familiar? Something new be that single life or a new relationship is daunting so I think trying again may just feel like the easiest option

I do see what you mean. But im not sure how, but it seems like we have managed to actually fall more in love since separating but we are both worried about old patterns as you mentioned. That's why we both realise a few certain moments in time need to be discussed properly (rather than us just brushing them under the carpet and then they keep resurfacing) we both know what happened between us that we'd need to put certain things to rest so we can rebuild trust again, but can trust be rebuilt? When both people realise the issue and really want to repent, repair and forgive and move past it can it be done. It's more that he can be quite vocal during an disagreement and I feel like I can't communicate properly to express my own feelings honestly without feeling like I'm going to make the situation worse.
We've both discussed this that in order to discuss things correctly I've to stop clamming up and hiding things because I'm afraid of damaging the situation even more. I just hate arguments and confrontation. I quickly close up and retreat, I've done it as a kid and done it in our relationship. There is certain things me and him need to revisit from our past and talk openly about things but I'm afraid that while we do that he won't hear me out or my fear will take over me and I'll become an emotional wreck. Can couple counselling help provide a better environment to discuss things or is it better to try and do it ourselves

I've never had couples counselling but it seems like a good place to start that may help you either work towards getting back together or navigate how to properly break up.
Lots of people don't like confrontation etc but stating how you feel rather than being accusatory is a good way to discuss things.
However, if he makes you feel that saying how you feel or voicing your opinion makes things worse that's a huge red flag for me.

I think you just put the term correctly for me. He would've been a bit accusatory and he's a big over thinker. There are times in our relationship I've withheld telling him about running into certain people while running errands etc or maybe communicating with people he doesn't really like or have much time for so therefore I lied because I didn't express the full story because I felt like accusations would be threw about, BUT when I think on the situation I do understand where he's coming from. I've nothing to hide, I've done nothing wrong so why not just give the full story, why do I clam up and think he's going to think all sorts if I tell him the full story. He's asking me to sit with him and go back through things where he feels there's more to the story or that I've withheld information from him in order to save a row, I'm happy to do that but also a bit worried because even in times when I am being completely honest he over thinks and thinks there's more to it and he'll get very defensive and I feel like I'm constantly trying to explain myself even in the most innocent of situations,but I do accept I'm part to blame for his over thinking. I can see and understand things from his perspective and he sees why I used to clam up because I don't like arguments or confrontation, I'd rather dig a hole and Bury myself in it but I've always been that way.

I want to be fully honest with him but I want to do it in a calm controlled atmosphere where I can talk to him without feeling myself wanting to close up or face his reaction or his accusations. He's a great guy, our relationship was actually fantastic in many ways bar this one area where we are both to blame because I feel like certain things might set him off whereas he just wants full honesty and says yes it might annoy me but I'd rather that than thinking you are lying to me. So I do hold myself accountable for my ways, I just want to get rid of this anxiety inside me of thinking he's going to come up with all sorts of things or accusations. I've nothing to hide from him, we've both been faithful to each other, there's no issues there. I feel like its something inside me a fear I have. I feel like I caused the issue in the first place. How do I overcome that fear or anxiety in myself and just be an honest person no matter what his reaction is especially when I know its an innocent situation

Has he ever reacted that way when you've mentioned bumping into someone he didn't like?

I think our downfall is just that we have two different styles of communication during a disagreement and it's something I never had the balls to bring to light. I'm really no good at arguments, I'd rather sit and discuss it whereas I feel he can overthink things and it really plays on his head and he can be very vocal but in an argumentative way, but he's that way in general not just within our relationship. So I tend to close up if I know something might upset him rather than being open. I just prefer not to have an argument but then that's not right either and again I'm just no good in an argument. I feel like I don't express myself correctly or probably victimise myself and feel sorry for myself. If I could conquer that fear in me and learn to say what I need without fearing the consequence or an argument it would help things a lot, if I just had a thicker skin not just with him but with everyone. I always fear being disliked or thought of badly rather than just being transparent. He on the other hand will speak his mind and say something wether you like it or not and I actually respect that about him and wish I was the same. How can we learn to understand that we communicate differently and come to a common ground. He's quite good in an argument and defending his feelings but I get easily offended, hurt and upset and I close up with fear. We actually are fantastic in every other aspect of our relationship, we get along great, have great fun together we match in every way possible and there's so much love there, it's just how we deal with things when we disagree and the way I handle things isn't great. How can I overcome this and just be honest and open with him without him flying off the handle. He wants to understand it all too, we both really want to sort things out but we are both afraid of that old pattern. If we could fix that we really are a great couple

What are the arguments about? You can't control his reaction by modifying your perfectly normal behaviour. It sounds to em and I'm no expert that he has to work on this himself, maybe with a counsellor.
It is not OK or your fault that you avoid mentioning something as simple as bumping into someone for fear of his reaction and accusations that there must be more to it.
It sounds like although you've split, you haven't had much time apart. It took me many many months after the end of my 15 year relationship to realise all the bits that were wrong, how I'd changed behaviours to avoid disproportionate reactions etc.
This may not be the case for you at all but it seems like that from your posts.
Make a break, a proper one, have individual counselling. If you both still want to be together in the future then you could.

However I think a year or two away from having to think how to stay something or even if to say something because of the other person's reaction will make you see you deserve more.