Adult daughter - difficult relationship

[FleetwoodCam]

Hi,
Just looking for advice on how to handle a relationship with my adult daughter (27).
My daughter and I have never had the easiest relationship. She tends to be quite controlling and opinionated about my life.
I have another child (12) at home and she has her own DC. The problem is that my DGC are used for leverage.
I'm 47 divorced and want to be dating. I've had one failed relationship since the divorce, it ended about 2 months ago, with a guy DD didn't approve of, so now she thinks I shouldn't be dating for a long time and should prioritise my younger child, her and her children.
I also work full-time.
If I don't do as she says, I will have contact with my granddaughters withdrawn and lots of passive aggressive social media posts written about me 🙄
My younger DD spends every other weekend with her dad so I'd like to be able to meet someone to spend this time with. She is also spending more and more time in her room chatting with friends in the evening so I can get a little lonely.
I'm sick of having my life judged and to have to walk on eggshells for a relationship with my DGC.
Does dating and having some fun in my life really make me a terrible grandparent? It's not happening around the grandchildren by the way!
How do I manage this relationship, to be friendly, supportive but also have boundaries allowing me to live my life? I'm sick of conflict..

I should add, dating is just the current issue. We disagree on other things like finances, how much childcare I am able to assist with, choices I make around my younger childs rules.
DD is in an unhappy relationship and I think this may play in a little?

Op I'm sorry but your daughter sounds like a bully. You are your own person and if you want to have company at the weekend then do it!!!! Are there any social clubs you could join???

She doesn't sound like a. Very supportive daughter. I would tell her that it's your life and you will do as you please. You're not harming her, your younger children or your grandchildren and if she makes it difficult for you to see them then it goes to show more about her than you.

Your dd is being totally unreasonable and emotionally manipulative.

You should call her bluff. What a bitch!

Perhaps just keep quiet about your life and do what you want.

Your daughter is being massively unreasonable. Get yourself on dates, prioritise yourself, your family and your grandchildren but you’re entitled to a life outside of that. How you spend your free time is absolutely none of her business and I’m sure she would have something to say if the roles were reversed.

I think there’s probably a huge backstory here. Why does your daughter feel the need to try and manage your personal life? Have you been known the lean on her in the past for emotional support? This often leads to a parent child role reversal.

I don’t agree with her using DGC as leverage but perhaps this is her way of telling you to focus on the people who are in your life rather than focusing on who isn’t in your life.

How long have you been divorced? Was this from the adult dds dad? It’s not fair but if so I’m wondering if she’s just struggling with you being with someone who isn’t her Dad? Apologies if I’ve missed something here. Ultimately you are entitled to have someone special in your life and as long as you take it slowly with a younger dd in your life that’s absolutely your prerogative and your adult dd will have to get over it. (I say that as someone who was a single parent before I met my dh). It sounds like your adult dd is really invested in your life and as much as she can stamp her feet and threaten to cut you off from your grandchildren- which is horrible - I highly doubt she’d keep this up so I’d just call her bluff on it.

Yes, I agree OP is entitled to have fulfilling relationships outside of her DC/DGC. I meant from the perspective that if OP has leaned on DD throughout her childhood, perhaps she’s sick of hearing it and has suggested a break from dating. Obviously I am making assumptions here, but it’s not the normal set up to have your adult DC dictating your love life, which makes me think there is a back story and perhaps is not the case that DD is just being awkward.

So she has a partner and thinks you shouldn't have one?

She interferes in your finances. What would her reaction be if you did that to her?

Your adult DD has made her bed, now she must lie in it. You are young & deserve a life. So do what makes you happy & fulfilled. You are not the built in baby sitter or whatever she expects. If she withdraws/minimises contact with the grandchildren (not very nice of her) so be it. Don't be held hostage by her demands

Hang on! This adult DD doesn't get to dictate her Mother's life. OP is entitled to a life of her own. She's not just Mum and Grandma.

OP stick to your guns. She doesn't get to rule your life.

I think there's a massive back story I take it you dds both have different dad's. Atleast 3 failed relationships? Different men in and out can have negative impact on a child's life. I don't think I'd want my mothers new partner around my children either.

Yes. This is what I am getting at.

DD should not be allowed to dictate but I have to wonder what the backstory is that has lead to this dynamic between OP and DD in the first place.

Of course she’s not just mum and grandma. But why does DD feel entitled to input her opinion in the first place? Parents can lean on children for emotional support and children end up feeling intertwined in their parents emotional welfare. When those children become adults with opinions, all of a sudden it’s none of their business.

I am really surprised no one here is considering there is an entire other perspective to this situation.

I would stop giving your DD so much information about your life and your future plans.

Just don't tell your DD you are dating - say you are busy at that time with friends. Talk less to her about your personal finances etc maybe takk about something on the telly or what you're reading etc.

As @LadyBug2022 said keep quiet. She doesn’t need to know what you do in your spare time, it’s really none of her business. It seems to me she’s parenting you when she should be concentrating on her children

Thank you for taking time to respond

I haven't leant on DD for emotional support. I've been divorced from her father, for about 4 years. They're relationship is good and he's moved on and lives with his girlfriend about an hour away.

It's more opinionated than interference, asking how much things cost, what time you get daughter should be up until, anything really.

DD is feisty and dramatic. Her own relationship is fraught with problems and shes often highly stressed with her own children.

Two daughters, same dad, series of miscarriages in between.

I'm my experience while not normal or acceptable its not uncommon at all to have adult DC try to control their mothers, especially where they've skin in the game because they're worried free childcare or inheritance may be at risk. Far from resulting from poor parenting or reversal of the child/parent relationship, adult DC who do this tend to have been extremely well serviced, hence their fear they will lose out to any rival for their parents attention.
I think OP you've no choice here but to call her bluff. If she withholds the GC she has a lot to lose in terms of childcare and support, so may well decide to rethink that one. Regardless, if you give in to this, where will it end?

You have to make up your own mind about this, Fleetwood. Your elder daughter should not really interfere but it is quite natural for parents and children to have and voice opinions about each other's lives. I am sure you do not neglect your younger child in any way, I am equally sure that, however 'bossy' it comes across, your 'big' daughter cares about your welfare,.

I think it is a good idea not to confide too much about dating. When the 12 year old is not wish you, you can do what you like. It isn't unreasonable for you to date. Have some fun but don't be quick to make a commitment, keep it friendly and light. Jusf my opinion.

47 is so young! You should definitely date as you wish. As for dd withholding grandchildren—she needs you more than you do her. Just ignore social media. Offer what you want in the way of babysitting. But be too busy most of the time except as a warm and loving presence. You need to be able to have a life.