I have not and COULD not tell anyone this in real life (although sometimes i have wanted to) so please be kind as it's a big deal to do so.
I am a married lady in my 30s with two young children, with a supportive, devoted, loving, caring, good looking husband.I have a great, lucky life.
Afew years ago i was standing at the school gates when i noticed 'him' (this other guy).I am not going to lie, my first thought was that he was attractive and i wondered whose father he was.But just a passing thought.
Some time after, our daughters became friends.Best friends.Her mum is separated from her dad (he has her at weekends) The dad approached me one day after school realising i was his daughter's best friend's mum and said he was keen to get to know other parents, so he could take her on playdates (all totally innocent and friendly, decent bloke) I agreed this would be nice and so it began happening.
My DH was abit put out about me meeting up with him 1-1 but it was always very platonic, just two parents on a normal playdate with kids.Despite me seeing him as an attractive man, it isn't like i have ever felt around him how you usually do when you fancy someone, such as that rush of excitement or feeling flustered, maybe because i'm in 'mum mode' or could it be i'm making the thought of him into some false fantasy perhaps.
Anyway, to reassaure DH and also because i thought it would be nice for them as two dads with girls of the same age, i began to steer some of the playdates so DH could go.
As a result, and not seeing the dad at the school gates anymore, i don't see him alot now, and we haven't had a playdate without DH present for many months.
I have the odd messaging contact with 'him' but only about playdate arrangements.I had always signed off with either nothing or a smiley face as that felt more appropriate, and he did the same.However once not long ago, completely out of habit messaging girlfriends, i forgot and put a kiss on the message, and he put one back, which threw me abit as to whether there was meaning behind that.
I went through a phase some time ago of thinking about him too much, but it died down, but now its happening again.
The times it happens are when i'm in my car listening to music, when i've been drinking, (like the 'old' me) and also i'm ashamed to say when i'm having sex with DH.When i am in 'mum mode' i don't really think about him much.
I have never cheated on anyone, despite having been in a situation where i could have done so as a way out of a crappy relationship.But morals and knowing how it feels myself and not wanting to be that person have stopped me.
DH and i have alot of love, history, memories and two kids between us.I would never do anything to jeopardise that.But at the times mentioned above i feel like i am wrestling with the old younger me (who loved to live life on the edge and craved the excitement of flirting and getting attention) to stay in control and not let this run away with me.
I know i should pull back, but i keep having to resist the urge to message him.
I feel awful for having these feelings about another man who is not my husband.
How do i get him out of my head.....