Anyone been crap at confrontation/honesty in relationships and managed to get better?

[choixduroi]

I am an anxious people pleaser and was brought up to believe that wanting things for yourself and having feelings were being 'spoilt' and entitled, and feelings were not talked about. I realise this was pretty standard for the 80s.

This led to a long marriage (then divorce) where I always tried to please and be wonderful, subsumed my needs and found it almost impossible to discuss serious or difficult topics with ex DH. Lack of honest communication was a major reason why we drifted apart.

Wanting to learn to do better in my current relationship with DP of 4 years (long distance, late 40s with teens so prospect of living together in 3-4 years). DP is also rather anxious and finds it hard to discuss any more tricky issues. As the result I already have quite a few topics between us where I either feel a bit frustrated, worried or pissed off, which I don't directly discuss with him. I discuss them in imaginary conversations with him when I'm alone, in a brutally honest negative way. I have no idea how to broach things in a way which is kind AND honest, for me the two are so diametrically opposed.

I really love him and he is great, and I know would like me to be more honest (although because he is also anxious I do worry about upsetting him). I can feel that these things are gradually mounting up.

Is there anyone who has successfully overcome this, and how did you do it?

Hi,

Yes I have always been bad at standing up for myself or raising issues in relationships. Still not brilliant but recently I have been starting small. Might be something with a friend or my ex (kids dad) and might say over text something like: I'm not very good at these chats but earlier on I felt a bit X or Y.

The times I have done it have had a mostly positive outcome and if they haven't it makes me feel even more convinced it was the right thing to do.

Once its out your mouth its a relief. Maybe start small too and see how it makes you feel. I am definitely doing more of it than I ever did. Feel like in a few years' time it will come far more naturally.

Would recommend you try! X

No, what you went through was not pretty much standard for the 80s. Wanting things for yourself and having feelings is NOT you being entitled. Your parents were not good parents to you when you were growing up and such behaviour like people pleasing often arises from wanting to parent please a difficult and or otherwise emotionally absent parent. I would seek therapy from a registered BACP therapist and interview such people at length before settling on any one therapist.

You were taught a lot of damaging lessons about relationships when you were growing
up. It’s not you who needs to do better in your current relationship either, it’s him and it does seem to be going nowhere. What do you love about this man anyway?. No one ever bothered to show you what a mutually respectful relationship is like and your current relationship falls short too. Do not settle for this.

@2kidsnewstart , thank you. Yes you're right, it's about starting with small things and just speaking up honestly, while respecting the other person. I think I need to try and see it as more risky NOT to be open with how I feel, that might change my perspective. It's difficult though. I like your approach!

@AttilaTheMeerkat my parents (mostly my Mum as she was a single parent) did try to meet my needs and did love me, but the whole tone was always very 'think of others, don't upset anyone, above all don't be difficult!!' and the approach to any conflict was that 'I am the parent, you do as I say', (which I have heard from many friends of my age growing up then (I'm 48), so if there was a serious issue as a child for example, my Mum would help and support me, cuddle me, and she would sort out the problem and defend me to the hilt, but what she could not really bring herself to do was ask me how I was feeling or have a two way conversation: she would say 'I expect you're feeling fed up, why don't you go for a walk/buy some sweets/read a book', as she found it easier to suggest a practical solution or just wait until we were both in a better mood or the issue had been semi forgotten. So that I saw that dealing with conflict was either 1) stronger party going nuclear or 2) both sides ignoring the issue or waiting until the situation resolved itself, but definitely not honestly and openly talking through the issue and feelings.

I can tell that this attitude contributed to the breakdown of my marriage - my DH was no monster, he just needed me to be honest and set boundaries and I didn't until it was too late and I was totally resentful. I am overall very happy with my new DP and he is truly devoted to me, and it's because I'm noticing that this communication issue is creeping in there too, it's rather that I want to grow beyond the mistakes of my past relationship so that I can be happier through being more honest and being able to trust someone enough to let them see the dark side and see my negative feelings.