Things have never been worse

[Nothinglefttosaynow]

I'll try to keep this brief, have been with H for almost 20 years, I am late 30s so most of my adult life with a couple of breaks in between when he wanted to split. Things have significantly deteriorated between us. I looked back over texts last night & in the past 6 months there has been no fun remarks, no compliments, no questions just statements about the kids or house really. Added to this we are no longer having sex, maybe once every 6 weeks, even when things were bad before the sex was still good. I can't actually seem to tell him I love him, the thought of it makes me feel uneasy. Why is this? We sit in separate rooms, don't go to bed together & have nothing to say. We don't go on dates or share friends. The whole thing is quite depressing to be honest. I have a long weekend from work & I am dreading it as I know we will have to spend time at home together. Usually I would be so excited to have time off work but I have an awful feeling in the pit of my stomach all the time when he is here. Help! Am I the problem? Is this what happens?

No advice, but lots of sympathy and empathy. I dread the long weekends and coming home from work if DCs aren't around. I dread even more the thought of retiring or being unemployed like this.

I think ii does happen a lot, but isn't talked about much. If it was I guess people would be braver about communicating and splitting for that matter. It doesn't help that the ILs are exactly like this too either.

Omg I could have written this, I'm just sat in bed now thinking about how to broach it and what to do? It's quite depressing and lonely. Like you I have a lovely time with the children. Though myself and husband spend zero time together. I'm not sure what the answer is apart from separating but that seems traumatic, even the thought of the conversation. I keep putting it off.

Can you book things for yourself to do this weekend? A hair appointment? A film? I like the gym because it's open late.

(I'm same age as you, with children.)My marriage is ending ATM and our texts were similar, really functional, and we go to bed at different times etc, he doesn't talk to me, although I was absolutely dying for him to notice me, or compliment me or anything so in that way your situation is different op.

I don't think you're the problem 🩷 maybe time to have an honest chat with him about where you're headed?

I think I resent him. For many reasons & now I can't bring myself to try and be affectionate anymore. It all feels forced & awkward. Initially I was upset by the lack of sex, the last good thing, gone, but now I don't even want to if the offer was there, it feels unnatural. I think before he's always been keen even when I haven't and that's been the biggest shift really that he's just not interested anymore. Infact he often doesn't even say goodbye to me when he leaves the house. Total disregard. I won't initiate a split it feels too traumatic for DC so I suppose it comes down to making the best of it. Sorry so many of you are feeling the same.

Retirement feels like an impeding doom. He is talking about making plans for a summer break and I just don't want to. They're always terrible, he behaves appallingly & it's no fun for anyone. We are supposed to have a family event to go to in November & I can't think of anything worse. Pretending to be happy in a room full of other happy people. The whole thing is crumbling. A year ago I would have been so excited to spend time as a couple. But now it fills me with dread & I feel panicky about it- will everyone see through the facade? Will we be able to make enough conversation to pull it off?

Crikey, you're not even 40 - you're not doomed to eke your life out like this, you know.

You have half your life ahead of you. You don't get a do-over.

I'm feeling exactly the same.
We have separated in the past but I want the best for the children so we tried again. It's all pretense now.
Holidays are coming but we don't go away together ever.
Unemployment/ redundancy is looming and I'm dreading it. Work has been the saviour for my MH. ( how I'll cope with Retirement is beyond me)
I'm treading water.

You are younger, you need to find a solution don't end up like me.

We separated briefly after a bereavement in my family & I regret daily that I didn't stick to my guns. Before kids I adored him, he's always been quite difficult but I was happy to bend to support him & now I just think why should I? It isn't healthy but seems to be a common feeling. I suppose that's why most teenage romances don't last- you grow up into different people who don't belong together.

As for the kids, it's not exactly a brilliant model of relationships for them to grow up with, is it? Sounds like a terrible, strained atmosphere, a joyless household with parents who don't even like each other.

If things have been on a lull for 6 months out of 20 years together wouldn't it be worth throwing the dice and just telling him how you feel?

Every relationship has lulls, well 20 year ones with kids thrown in.

Perhaps he is feeling similar but being male thinks he should just suck it up and put his head down.

Isn't it worth at least being brutally honest?

It doesn't sound like there is no way back for you guys, just perhaps someone needs to make a first step

Would you consider couples counselling? If you can both approach it with a view to being honest with each other you may be able to either determine what the issues are, or alternatively that separation is the best option.

Please don't stay together just for the children - it's a terrible example to set, to just put up with a relationship situation that makes you miserable. Be honest with them if it comes to separation.

You could try Relate, it didn't work for us but he wasn't invested in it, so it was doomed from the outset.

A bereavement in my family was an issue here too- in the sense that my grief was an inconvenience to him (and still is). Rather than seeing me, his wife as a new postpartum mummy with a broken heart, he saw someone who wasn't meeting his super high expectations. (Although I kept the house running and little ones fed, loved etc)

Try and have an open conversation with him and see where it leads. Just consider what support you have if things aren't working out xx

Another one here. Except this has been going on a lot longer than 6 months! I'm not prepared to go on forever like this, I'm weighing things up - the ages of dc for one thing. I'm getting there but it is a slow exit. It took a while to get into this marriage...it is taking a while to get out of it.

And no, it isn't a good role model for the children, not at all. It seems like there is guilt whichever way I turn. It is a case for me, of having grown and changed (20+ year marriage here). It's a sad situation, one I never anticipated. I'm not as trapped as I feel but I am trapped by my own guilt. No advice, just to say, you are not alone.

Thanks everyone I definitely feel less alone now. It's a strange feeling I can't imagine other couples sitting together but alone, I'm sorry it's so common! I suppose the issue is I'm past caring enough to fix it. We have nothing to say, just 2 flatmates living together. If it's at all relevant, H has worked/lived abroad for a few years & has only been back working at home full time for the last 6 months which I think is absolutely shining a light on how awful things have become. It's easy to gloss over it when you don't have to sit in the discomfort all the time. We also work separate shifts so don't have to spend all that much time together, but this probably doesn't help with the disconnect. I don't know if there's an answer. I'm not actively looking for one. In my mind I suppose he's the one at fault & should be trying harder - he probably feels the same about me.

🩷 you're not alone

I never saw my situation coming.

It's not an easy situation for sure, wishing you well wherever it leads you xx

My husband is at home a lot more (different working situation). I think the issues were still there, like you said op, a light has been shone on the situation but not the cause of it.