Don’t want to share DD as a single mum….

[Ppeter500]

i know everyone will think I’m mad but DD is only 5 months.
relationship has been going south since the minute she was born (although looking back probably was getting there while I was pregnant).

I know DP doesn’t want to be with me and vice versa. We’ve tried to make things work but no matter what I do, everything is wrong.

the only thing keeping me in the relationship is that I don’t want to share my DD with him or
his family. His family are awful, so blasé, no awareness of car seat safety, food safety (when weaning in a few weeks), they smoke etc etc. At the moment I’m always around so can put my stamp on what I’m not happy with and they have to listen because I’m there.

but if we split I have to share her with DP (who is completely and utterly useless), and really don’t want to share her with his family either. I know that if he says he’s having her overnight, that he would end up giving her to one of his many sisters. The thought of it all makes me really sick to my stomach as I just can’t imagine being seperated from DD for more than a couple of hours at most.

what on earth am I meant to do? I’m really caught between a rock and a hard place. Do I stay until she’s older and just try my hardest to make things work? Or do I just stop beating a dead horse and get over the fact I have to share her…..

Bumping …

Well you knew the family before you decided to have a child and you can't keep the child to yourself. Just because your standard isn't other people's doesn't mean they won't be good grandparents,aunts,uncles etc

Sorry you’re going through this OP.

I’d be tempted to stay whilst DD is so young/vulnerable so you can keep an eye but realistically you aren’t going to care less about the quality of care your DD is getting just because she gets older. So where is the cut off point?

Agree with PP, it may be hard to hear if you feel PIL aren’t as safety conscious as you would like but presumably if DH is one of many siblings PIL have considerable experience child rearing.

Honestly, I’d say split now. She’s so young that he won’t get (or even ask for?) 50/50
care. A night or two a week will then become ‘the norm’ and - if he’s as useless as you say - he’s unlikely to push for more as she gets older. You’ll feel loads better when you’re solo parenting. I hung around far too long; split when the kids were 5 and 8. It would actually have been easier on them to split when they were younger.

I think now would be the best time to split. I'm sure that you're breast feeding, so couldn't be away from you for too long. So you can dictate what happens.

Realistically though, you might have to share her with nursery at some point and that has the same worries too. But you also need time off and you should share with Dad, if he wishes and every child should have that opportunity. As far as I read there aren't any concerns about him, having her. if you have any concerns about his family after they have had her, then contact the safeguarding team at your local council.

It is a tough decision, but this about putting your daughters needs first and letting her have access to her Dad, because that's important for her too. It's no longer about you deciding for yourself.

I would split right now and let him take you to court for overnight contact which will take months and as you're breastfeeding wouldn't be encouraged. Yes you'll have to share her but is he really likely to go for many hours? You can use that time to do chores or see a friend and then give her 100% the best of you when she's home.

I'm so sorry though. This isn't the dream of family life with a little baby.

Realistically though, you might have to share her with nursery at some point and that has the same worries too

^ what? Nursery isn't compulsory. Sending your child to school at 5+ isn't the same as a non speaking baby or toddler who can't tell you when they're being neglected or abused.

What is the relationship like?
What's the hone life like?
Are you able to mentally separate from him? Just go through the motions and wait time out?

If he's not aggressive or abusive to you or your infant I would stay put until she's at least 1 year old.

The reason for this is that you could be housemates for a while and since you're likely to be on mat leave at the moment there's many many changes that your daughter is going to be navigating and this is one less to manage.

It should make you sick to your stomach. Because you're a protective mum and it's very very healthy to want the best for your child.

You could consider a house move and job move together. So you're both miles from the difficult people he is related to.

It would mean lots of new friends for him, you and your baby. It might be the remaking of the relationship? Or it means if you choose to separate later on, he's less likely to do the overnights alone so less likely to ask until she's older.

@Isthisexpected Presumably the OP will need to use some type of childcare in order to work to support herself and her DD? How else will she pay her bills?

A couple of things.

The sooner you split, the less impact it will have on your child because she will grow up with separated parent as her norm.

Secondly, if he is the type to off-load his child onto his sister or his mum, he will probably very soon get bored and lose interest. Coming to fetch her will be a chore. Being on time will be a chore.

As others have said, she's too young for 50:50 yet so do it now, allow him to see her at your flat or strolling around the park with her in a buggy between breast feeds.

Also his family members have lives and eventually won't want to be unpaid childcare. Your dd is cute at five months but by 10 months my ds was running around the house breaking things and drawing on walls given the chance. He needed watching every second and was much harder work. At that stage, free babysitting by relatives seems to 'fade'. 🙂

You need to raise your child in a happy respectful home for them to have a good childhood. They need to have a happy mum who sets them a good example. And you need to be honest about your relationship. No point in delaying.

Echoing other posters, I'd separate now. She's too young for 50/50, the younger the easier for kids in separations. Initially I'd offer him to see her at your home with no overnights, if he's as useless as you say he'll likely take that option.

Separting from my ex the biggest lesson I learned was that my children are not my possessions, they don't exist as part of me. They are entitled to relationships with their father and wider family.

I'd do it now. I hung on for the same reasons as you (fear of other parent being crap with small DC alone) and am now stuck because they are older and v bonded to their (admittedly better but not great) daddy. I wish I'd gone sooner tbh.

Only you can decide if you should leave, if you do hopefully it will be amicable. I do think that you need to realise that you do 'share' your daughter with him regardless of if you want to. He is her father and she needs his love and protection just the same as she needs yours.

Split up now.

If he’s that useless he won’t have her overnight and if he dumps her on his family then you can just refuse overnights.

She's not your personal property, though. She's his child, too, and she has a right to have a relationship with him, no matter how much you despise him.

Split now.
Court like contact little and often at that age and were happy (in my case) for no over nights until 4 years. She saw her dad 3x a week for 2 hours when she was little, never ever at my house but at softplays area with toddler section or local library and slowly built up the time until she started nursery when it was 3-6pm Wednesdays, and all day Sunday 9am - 6 pm.

In terms of not wanting to share her that's a trickier one. Unfortunately you will have to if he wants contact you cant really comment on what he does with her on his time unless it's a real Health and Safety issues.

However, as a single mum do not underestimate how important those breaks are, you will be running a house and doing all the childcare, all the sicknesses, all the disrupted nights. Things like just nipping out for some Calpol or to meet friends become a whole different ball game. So having your child somewhere they are loved even if it's not up to your standard is valuable too.

Easy fix. Separate then move far enough away from them all that it's an inconvenience for him to see her.

You said yourself, he's useless. Do you think he'll be arsed driving an hour and a half each way every weekend to see her? Probably not. And she's too young to be away from you long atm. So he'll get into a habbit of not bothering his arse.

Move away. A long way away

Your dd is just as much his as she is yours.Ypu are extremely selfish to both her and your dp

You've no right to her more than he does.

Just because he/they don't live up to you standards doesn't mean their relationship isn't equally important.

You actively chose to have a child with this man knowing him and his family. Now that you don't want to be in the relationship all of a sudden they're not good enough to be around her?

She's young, doubtful there'd be overnight contact ordered if you choose to go the court route.

If he is not abusive, I would hold on to the relationship for as long as I could. Because I wouldn't want to miss out on time with my baby. Nursery is not compulsory and it is ok to take full maternity leave for as long as possible. Then if possible to return using part time hours.

There is a big difference in leaving a child who can't tell you what happened (not to mention express their need using words and not just cries and clues that are easily missed). I was a lot less worried about ds1 compared to with what I was with ds3. When I separated from ex.

I agree.