DH does love me but can't express it very well

[VoluptuaGoodshag]

I just feel the need to write this down as it's cathartic. My DH is a lovely man, handsome, good dad, outdoorsy, etc. My perfect guy you would think. However he has always been a dour type. Even during our courting stage I always felt that me on my own wasn't quite good enough, we had to have bells and whistles (good weather, nice hotel room, interesting things to do). Whereas I always felt that two people should be comfortable having fun (especially in the first lustful months) anywhere, it didn't really matter.

Anyway, we are married and have two kids. Life has slowed down somewhat. I would love for him to be more go-getting and positive but he always dwells on the negative aspects of life. After looking after the kids all day I find it very draining having to handhold him through out life. It's not that he's shy but he really looks for the negative spin on anything rather than the positive. Anyway, he asked why I'm less cuddly and romantic these days and just freeze when he tries to cuddle me. I acknowledge that I do do this but when I thought about it I said it was because he makes me feel so unloved. There is no passion, everything is so regimented. When we fall into bed we are both knackered but usually him more so than me. As soon as he lies down his eyes close and even though we may still be having a conversation his eyes are closed and he doesn't look at me. The upshot is I am usually reading a book coz I know that even if we did start some shenanigans it would be due to my olympian efforts and he's still fall asleep before the final score IYSWIM.

I told him all this and that I need an indication of passion to ignite mine. That a cuddle just after the kids in bed and in the kitchen or the living room would be different and may lead to more and why doesn't he try to seduce me then. He accepted what I said and despite saying he'll make an effort he never does but I'm now getting resentful because I'm the one feeling guilty.

I suggested that we go out more and do more things but he's always reluctant coz he's too knackered by 10pm and I am reluctant because I can't be bothered putting the effort in only to be met with negative comments like the meal was crap, look at the state of this place, I'm so tired, the heating in this room doesn't work, there's nothing to do in this weather.

Don't know how to move on from this but thanks for reading this far

Hi Volupta, have no big words of wisdom but just wanted to let you know that someone has read your post and offered sympathies.

Do you get time to do things together, without the kids anymore?

I'm not sure you can change someone who is naturally grumpy (I have one of those as well ). You can try and change the way you react, i.e. not taking his bad moods personally (it's prob nothing you have done anyway!). You could also do what YOU enjoy rather than trying to make him enjoy himself all the time, as that can be really draining. What would make you feel happier?

Do you get any time to yourself? I've started making time for a hot bath in the evenings when I can soak and read a book (and have a glass of wine if one is available) and it's made a big difference to my mood.

god he sounds like a right wet blanket

I wrote my DH a letter once when things were not so good and it worked brilliantly. Having it all down on paper makes it seem more real, and serious IMO. why not try a letter explaining how your DH's relentless 'wet weekend' approach to life is slowly taking the joy out of life for you (and it can't be much fun for the kids?)

i agree with not feeling that you have to do anything to try to make him enjoy himself - just focus on you! I do think that going out together is really important, I know it's hard and DH and I still don't do this enough, but if you can it will really help - though I think I would set him a challenge and say that as SOON as the first whingy comment comes out about the food or whatever, you will leave!!!!

He sounds maddening and I sympathise!

I have a suggestion, which is giving him supplements and changing his diet, unless you have a fab diet already, perhaps you have in which case

It's just that it's so difficult to do a great energising diet nowadays with all the crap in the shops.

Send me away with a flea in my ear, I don't mind, it's just another option to google how vits and minerals can help with that "tired all the time" feeling.

My DH goes through periods of being Victor Meldrew too. This week I'm trying to get him to agree to a short holiday somewhere warm, but his response is 'why bother coz it will go wrong, hotel will be crap or weather will be crap, and you know I hate holidays anyway'.

This is a lie false memory. He is relaxed and fun to be with once he gets there.

I just let him get away with it for a month or so, then have a major arse-kicking strop with him. Works for us.

Thanks for your comments and support! I get some time each morning Mon to Friday when the kids are at nursery. I've started a yoga class which is nice. I do try to please myself more often than not but it just seems to create a bigger distance between us.

I'm even off out on the town tonight with a pal.

I get really worried that he is becoming more and more like his Dad - a person I have little time for because of his ignorant, silly views on life.

Moon - I know what you mean - it's like pulling teeth. TBH I'm tired of having major strops (too draining also). I'm a happy go lucky person by nature, laid back, fun loving, look at the positives in things. I hate unnecessary confrontation and I hate going over things again and again that I've mentioned before.

because this is my second marriage and have come to realise that my expectations of being with a soulmate are probably unrealistic and that this is it!

Another thing he does that really annoys me is this:

I say that I think something is good or nice or I like it. He says the exact opposite. I say he's entitled to his opinion. Then if he is speaking to others who have the same opinion as me, he then changes his to agree with them. It drives me mad. Apart from not being consistent, it's like my opinion wasn't enough on it's own but had to be substantiated by others before he can come round to my way of thinking.

Can you enlist any of his friends or your mutual friends to point out how grumpy he appears? I have a good friend who is able to gently tease my DH about his gloom. I find teasing him generally works better and is easier for me (less stressful).

Before Christmas I found a local jive class I fancied joining. I told DH I'd like him to come with me. He was VERY reluctant, claiming other engagements, too much work etc. I only had to drag him the first time. He now loves it and we have such fun together one night a week.

do you go out together in the evenings ever? perhaps do something fun together that doesnt involve big conversations eg see a film, play tennis, dance - and try to do this every week

i think time apart is really important too - so time together is more interesting than slumping in front of the tv

• does he go out? perhaps he should at least once a week with mates/play sport or whatever?