Sick of myself but don't know how to change - please can anyone help? (in despair)

[magicstatue]

I've never really posted much before, I'm more of a reader, but everyone seems so sensible here I feel like I need to ask a question. I just hate myself, I'm weak and pathetic and really just behave like an overgrown adolescent all the time. I'm desperate to be a better person and to be happy and capable but I just keep failing and getting stuck.

What's prompted this particular attack of despair, though I do feel it a lot, is that DH has said that he's going to rent the spare room out in a B&B way (nothing formal, just a bed for the night and breakfast afterwards) to make money. He took redundancy a year ago but all the money's gone now. I work part time but it's not enough and he doesn't want to work for anyone. he told me that we can't afford to eat if we don't do this.

I know I should be pleased that he's being resourceful and wants to provide but I just can't stop crying. I really don't like the idea of having people in my home like this. We sometimes are a host family for foreign students and I find that intrusive enough, though they're always lovely girls!

This is how stupid I am. DH and my mum both agree that I can't do anything difficult and I was diagnosed with bad PND after DS was born but maybe I wasn't ill, it was just that I can't do anything hard. I hate being like this but I don't know how to change and I feel so stupid for moan ing on like a teenager when people have real problems. It's why DS is so miserable - as well as having no money he has to look after me because I can't look after myself! I'm so and with myself but I feel so stuck.

I'm so sorry for going on like this, thsnks for getting this far. If anyone can offer some advice on how to change or maybe a book or a website; or perhaps just to give me a good slapping which is what I need! Thanks.

You poor, poor thing. You don't need to change yourself, you need to alter the way you FEEL about yourself. I am feeling very similar to you at the moment, albeit for different reasons, (thread here). Because of my situation I also feel hopelessly inadequate right now, but deep inside I know I can do anything I put my mind to, just having a temporary crisis of confidence. Maybe you need to look at your situtation that way.

Whilst they may think they are being supportive, your Mum and DH making comments like that to you is only going to make you feel even more depressed and loathing towards yourself. You need to stop beating yourself up immediately, I bet if you really thought about it, you do a hell of alot more for yourself and others than you realise. And having PND is not your fault, it happens to many women, from all walks of life and you do not suffer from this because you are weak.

Be nice to yourself and the rest will follow.

Good luck.

I'm sorry, I know it's stupid but I just want everything to be OK. My parents are quite well off and I suppose it just never occurred to me that life may be hard in this way. I've never been well off myself but got by. I think I just hoped it would start improving and it never is because of my attitude. I'm sick of making excuses for myself but I really don't know how to change.

I think my ideal situation would be if DH and I could do these things together and be a real team, but obviously we can;t be becuase I'm not a proper adult and need someone else to take control. DH has to run things for me and what kind of a way for him to have to live is that?! I'm such a horrible brat in an 'unreal world with an unreal head' as DH says and he's totally right. I'm sorry, I'll stop rambling on now.

I work part time but it's not enough and he doesn't want to work for anyone. he told me that we can't afford to eat if we don't do this.

If my dh said he didnt want to work for anyone else and we had no money i'd tell him tough shit and unless he could think of a proper business idea with the capital to back it and the bank behind him etc then i'd say go and get a job, any job to bring in money, renting a room out may be an idea but it's hardly the answer to your prayers is it?

Can't say I blame you for not wanting other people in your home either.
So your DH and your mum say you can't do anything difficult right? so you just agree with this? why don't you try and put your mind to something and prove them wrong?

My dp said I wouldn't be able to run my own business he said I wouldn't make any money from being a childminder so what did i do? Did i listen? NO I set up the business and now i'm earning approx £1000 per month, it hasn't been easy and there have been times i've felt maybe he was right but the point is I tried and now it's working and paying off and he's proud of me, i'm proud of me too, what i'm saying is even the people closest to you aren't always right.
I suffered PND in the past, i got some prozac, i got some counselling and eventually i sorted myself out - it can be done, let's face it what other choices are there? We have to keep going for the sake of us and our children, giving up is never an option.

It will take time, it's taken me 8 years to get to this point but I'm here and i'm stronger than i have ever been in my life.

All you have to do is think about what you want from life and if you can't decide now then that's fine just take baby steps and eventually you will look back and realise how far you have come like i have.

Feel free to keep talking, getting things off your chest and trying to work out what you would like to do because we're here to listen and help.

Well done greeneyedgirl, you're absolutely right, it is all about how you feel about yourself. I was treated for depression about 10 years ago, feeling very similar to you. Everyone's problems seem so much more serious, everyone looks like they are coping so much better and so the cycle begins. I saw my GP and was referred to a cognitive behavioural therapist and I have never looked back. You deserve to be happy and investing in yourself will naturally have a positive impact on your family.

All the best for the future

Look for some things you can do - start small and make a list of your achivements - you will feel better soon. PND can be helped are you on medication?

If you feel traped because of 'having' to do BandB then why not put a limit on it and work out some other things you could do.

You seem a bit focused on how well off your parents are - i bet they had to work hard for it - it is not all about money but how happy you feel whilst making ends meet.

I do wish you luck as i know how bleak everything looks when you are depressed - but this will pass and you need to know that and if for the time being you 'cant' do anything then so be it but it wont be forever.

And BTW, I don't think it is at all unreasonable not to want people in your home, concentrate on what is most important first, building the confidence you need to recognise that you are capable of cating a great and positive life for you and your family..Once you have done this, you'll find another and happier solution. Didn;t think it was every possile, but like LoveMyGirls, now run a business myself (and earn more than the DH!) No reason why you couldn't too!

tbh- you still sound depressed.
Have you spoken to your HV or GP recently?
You haven't said how old ds is, but it sounds like he's still little, and life can be very tough then.

Is there a reason why DH isn't working for himself?
If he won't work for others, then surely he should be doing something? He has a wife and child to support.

Sounds like your self-image has taken a beating, and please forgive me if I'm way off the mark, but it sounds like you believe things he's telling you... "I'm not a proper adult"..."I'm stupid"...etc

What are the issues with DS? you said he is so miserable...

Thanks everyone and well done greeneyedgirl, I'm so pleased that you're finding your strength! Is it OK if I ramble on a bit more? Sorry it's boring but I think it's just helping me order my thoughts!

DS is 2.9 and so needs childcare if DH goes to work (at least on the days I don't work). We're not near any family and so don't have family support. If he goes to work then obviously he'll have to spend some (or maybe all depending on what kind of job he's able to get). He worked in public service in an office for many years and so doesn't have any skills outside this, and he won't go back to work in that environment.

Because of the way that I behave and my total refusal (though it feels like inability a lot of the time) to face up to life being difficult it means that we can't really function as a team very well because he has to do things for me. I tell him that if he had a job then I'd change my hours and we could work on a solution to help with child care costs but he says that wouldn't happen becuase I couldn't do that as it might be difficult. I just feel that if he had a job then there'd be more stability and routine and I'd know where things were and could plan a bit, but I feel like I'm just stumbling around now because I don't know what's happening and what kind of plan there is for the future (well, I do now, it's doing B&B, but that doesn't seem to have made me feel better! ).

I need and want to be tougher but right now I just want to go to bed and hide!

Magic - you sound very down and tbh I agree with EPPM, depressed.

Depression is an illness, you don't ask to get a cold, or flu and you certainly don't ask to get depressed. It just happens, even when other people have worse problems than you (and that's NOT your fault).

It doesn't mean you're incapable, or daft, or any of the things you've said you think you are in your posts. It just means you're not very well and probably need help to get back to yourself.

You don't need to be sorry, you haven't done anything wrong. Life can be unbelievably tough at times and DP not working and money worries must be stressful to say the least.

Have you always felt like this, or is it something more recent?

There's a self-help Cognitive Behaviour Therapy Website that I use (and am supposed to use a lot more than I do according to my doc ) and that's really helped me.

link here

Be kind to yourself - everybody deserves to be kind to themselves!

EachPeachPearMum (that's such a lovley name!) - thanks, sorry I cross-posted there. I think DH could work for himself and has ideas which he tells me about. I try to support him and say that I'll do things for him to help (make appointments, research on the internet, that kind of thing), but then nothing ever comes of it.

DH stopping work a year ago has been a big change - he's had some counselling and admits that now, but it still seems to be that I keep getting it all wrong. He says I never know how he or anyone feels so I may not be doing him justice! I think that I'm supporting him but I'm not because all that ever happens is that he gets more miserable and disappointed.

Must go now as DS has been parked in front of the TV for far too long now! He's just come in and told me that he's eaten all of his easter egg .

There has been some great advice offered on this thread, so I don't really have any more to add. Your posts have left me feeling really angry for you. I feel pretty much like you do, but I'm fortunate enough to have a DH who gets off his butt and works damn hard 6 days a week to keep a roof over our heads.

You have a job- your DH doesn't?

Your DS is old enough to go to nursery now, without too much trauma - even my very sensitive DS managed nursery at 2.9. That would free up your DH to work - be it anything.

Am I missing something here?

The B&B thing would make me cry too.

Everybody has given you fab advice, mine is don't do a B&B is you don't want people in your home, we do it but we are lucky in that we have a large enough house and separate rooms far enough away from guests that is doesn't matter if our DD makes a noise, if you are feeling down then please don't do it. It is tiring and stressful when you are having a rown with DH or DD and then just like that have to switch on the smile and the polite voice to open door and answer telephone.

Is your DH depressed?

Magic, what do you mean by your 'inability to face up to life being difficult'?

Do you mean difficult in a financial sense and you are demanding of things you cannot afford?

Or that you find you cannot cope with the emotional stresses of daily life?

I think you need to stop listening and accepting the definition of you that your dh and mother (MIL?) have decided on.

Take a step back. List your positive points.

You are working, and bringing up a family, and trying to support your (non working) husband. To me that sounds like someone who is supportive to others, and can cope with life. Please don't be so hard on yourself. Oh, and FWIW I think your dh needs to get a job, and not make your house the local B&B.

He sounds depressed too, actually.
I know (in our x-post) you say he doesn't want to be in work, but many men are of the view that if they're not working they are worthless. It sounds like he's covering up perhaps his embarrassment, and shame of not working.
It also sounds like he's projecting his frustrations onto you.

It was him telling you that it would be difficult to cover childcare costs- not you that pooh-poohed the idea!

If ds is 2.9, very soon you're going to be eligible for the nursery grant, which iirc covers 15 hours per week at a local nursery.
Obviously, I don't know how far away that would be (are you urban or rural?) but it would be a good start in terms of covering your part-time work.

If DH has worked in an office in public service (local govt?) then he must have IT skills such as excel, word, access maybe. Presumably customer care skills, etc etc, which are transferrable.

Please don't mind my asking, but is he much older than you are?

The B&B thing sounds like a good idea- and its very easy to stop if you both decide its not for you, as you're not having any alterations etc to provide it. Would this be instead or as well as visiting students?

If it's 'as well as' then I would think it is time to suggest to him that you downsize your house!

2 adults and a toddler do not need a 4 bedroomed house, and it must be eating up money heating, and lighting it.

There are some really good threads on mn about making your money go further, and there are lots of ideas on them about where cuts can be made/savings shaved etc.

Aside from the view you have of yourself, which I am sure is not a true picture (!) these would be practical, small, achieveable steps you could take as a family, which would demonstrate to DH and parents how mature and adult you are.

Just don't bite off more than you can chew!

FWIW I have been at the bottom of that pit. ANd it really does seem as if it can never get better.

But it does, truly.

HTH

I would not like having strangers in my home either so I don't think you are being unreasonable about this.

Your DH sounds as if he needs to be honest with himself and get to grips with his own personal problems as it sounds as if he is just dumping his worries onto you. Obviously you should be supportive, which it sounds as though you are, but support only goes so far, he needs to help himslef too.

As other posters said, please don't allow yourself to believe and become what your DH and Mum label you as. You have a child, you run a home, you support your husband and (as this thread shows) you are intelligent and still able to think rationally. It also shows you are a very kind and caring person, except to yourself!!

I think you need to really concentrate on all your positive points and realise what a wonderful and strong person you are. Take some time out to do something you really enjoy, even if it is just going to the park with your dc. Look outside yourself at the world and you'll realise how exciting it can be living this life we are given. I do that when I am listening to music and it always peps me up and makes me feel like I can achieve anything!

Statue, the problem isn't that you can't do anything- it's that your DH keeps telling you that you can't so you end up believing him. he sounds a bit controlling TBH. He only seems to want himself to come up with any ideas/solutions to problems.

i was a lot like you until recently, and when i sat down and really looked at myself what i realised was that i had to take control of my life.

If your DH refuses to get a job, then let him stay at home and look after ds and you go and get a full time job and prove that you CAN do things. I'm sure you are a very capable woman, and the more you do things for yourself the more confident you will become and your self-esteem will grow......i know it will because this is what is happening to me now.

I do think what other posters have said about your DH being depressed may be one of the root causes of this cycle that your whole family seems to be in.

I hope you can take some strength from the other women in this thread who took hold of life by the short and curlies and proved to themselves and others around them how strong, courageous and resourceful they are. Just do it a little at a time and you'll get there.....