Think I've had an empathy bypass... how can I improve?

[Imicola]

I've recently come to realise that my emotional intelligence is not great, I lack empathy with those I am closest to, and would much prefer to just move on and hope things are ok when others are having a hard time. I also have never been great at asking questions which impacts on both my personal and my professional life and I struggle to move beyond small talk to form actual friendships with others.

Im trying to work in it, have been reading more to learn about how to communicate better etc, but I wondered if anyone has any tips or advice... has anyone else been like this and managed to change things?

I feel similarly. I actually have very little tolerance for people who 'whine' and complain about their problems. This is my issue 100% and I wish I could be different. I'm quite stoic and just carry on & wish others would do the same. It's a huge flaw that I have but tbh I don't really show any emotion ever. I think it's a weakness & I would never cry in front of my husband. I'm broken & I do realise this. I actually do work with very sick children & I have huge amounts of care and empathy for them but I can't seem to transfer this over to people I don't deem 'worthy' of it. I don't think I'll ever change now to be honest. Again, I am aware of this trait, I don't like it & I wish I wasn't like this.

Yes, I'm the same. I know all about active listening and other techniques, but often struggle to use them especially at home. Professionally I find it much easier weirdly.

I think the key is to practice biting your tongue, and remembering the methods you've learnt. Think before speaking that kind of thing. If it doesn't come naturally though it is very difficult.

I spent the first 30 years of my life thinking it was rude to ask questions about people’s personal lives, reluctantly answering questions about mine because I thought maybe they couldn’t help being rude, but certainly not asking any questions myself.

It was only when I was delayed in an airport, bored, and read a book on communication that I realised it was the other way around and that it apparently expected to ask people questions to “show an interest”.

I still don’t understand it. It still feels rude and intrusive. But it does seem to work.

I'm similar, but I now ask people a lot of questions (partly because I've learned that it makes you sound interested in them and can help build relationships and partly because I am curious about people in an analytical rather than empathetic way).

I might not feel empathetic but I've learned what the best thing to say might be (from listening to others) and just say something similar.

The things you struggle with are also the things that some autistic people struggle with. So I'd find a self help book written for an autistic audience and see if that helps.

Thanks for your replies, they make me feel less bad about it, knowing i am not the only one!

@Nothinglefttosaynow i also have empathy for some, but not others. I can empathise with those I don't even know, but somehow not with my family. It makes me feel a bit of a hollow shell i guess...i care about them, so why do i not care about what they are going through? I just want them to be ok so in my head i assume they are if they aren't saying otherwise (but, I'm not asking!).

@OwlCityisthemostunderrated i think subconsciously it's similar for me, that it seems intrusive and rude to ask too many questions. I just read a book called supercommunicators and found it surprising that it is recommended to ask people questions where they'll need to open up about emotions and feelings. I do ask questions, but they tend to be fairly closed ended ones, and small talk type chat rather than anything deeper, so I am actively trying to change it but it's not easy!

My DH thinks I don't care what's going on with him, whereas i think he doesn't want to tell me what's going on! I tend to just ask if everything is ok and if he says yes then i leave it at that, but clearly i need to be asking something else. Active listening makes sense, but in some situations it really does feel intrusive, but I'll persevere.

I think reading more on the topic will help. Supercommunicators was useful, but perhaps i should have taken notes, as there is a lot to remember. A book for an autistic audience may help, as i struggle to take examples given and apply them to a different context, perhaps i need something more literal.

Hmm the thing about your husband makes me think it’s not you. If you ask an adult how they are, and they are not ok then it’s on them to tell you, not you to wheedle it out of them. That smacks of emotional immaturity/passive aggressive behaviour. Unless he is saying well I’ve told you before I’m not ok and you don’t show an interest so I’ve stopped telling you?

I really admire that you have posted this question. Depending on what skills our parents had, I think most ,of us are on a learning curve with this kind of thing!

What is your self-talk like? Do you tend to be very critical of yourself? I think it can be hard to be compassionate towards others if you don't have much compassion for yourself.

The best way to learn interpersonal skills is to see someone modelling them. If you can have a few sessions with a counsellor that can be well worth it, because a good counsellor should be engaging with you by using the skills you want to develop. Or if you have someone in your life who is a empathetic listener see if you can channel what they might say.

Out of interest, how do you feel when someone, a friend, or your husband expresses their feelings to you? Do you ever feel annoyed or surprised that they feel a certain way that might differ to how you feel?

I agree with this OP. I think it's great that you are thinking about what you are doing but I also think it's important to understand that many of us struggle with direct communication issues as we just didn't learn it collectively. In your case it might be something that you can play with a little and see if you can ask more direct questions and lean in empathetically but also accept that the other person has to meet you somewhere. Also, why does it have to be acceptable for you to listen to someone who constantly moans and complains? That is draining and it sounds like your boundaries are good in that you are able to back off when you need to. Sometimes there are expectations that we as women are constantly empathetic and available however we all have limits and perhaps you know yours. Good luck with your exploration into this tho, a bit of self knowledge is always helpful!

I also agree with finding a counsellor who can model this. A lot of counselling training is about improving this skill and it can be challenging but ultimately helpful to spend time with someone who is adept in direct emotional communication. Liberating in fact.

I don't think there's anything wrong with you I imagine it ties in with your work inward feelings on "whiners" is fine you don't have to be there thereing everything you have enough emotion at work to go round and you have no reserves.

I'm stoic I was a sick kid you build resilience and just get on with life.

Op because you have recognised you are not very empathetic then you can work on it and if that means not saying anything till you can work out what to say then that's OK.

OP, it definitely isn't only you. I was raised throughout childhood NOT to ask personal questions. It was considered the height of ill manners.

And some people are perpetual whiners. I think the best example I can give is of my ex droning on about how his back ached from driving 85 miles to collect ds while I was undergoing chemo. 🙄

There's obviously a middle ground where if you think someone is below par or upset, you can gently ask if they are ok, get them a coffee, see if they'll confide in you, but back off if they clearly don't want to talk.

Don't take all the blame on yourself. It takes two to communicate effectively.

Yes, probably a bit of both to be honest, but it's definitely not only my problem! I just also notice it in other areas of my life, so i know it is something i should try to address.

@Janpoppy self talk is a bit mixed to be honest, i tend to have imposter syndrome and if i make a mistake i feel awful and self talk is probably pretty negative.

Thanks for all the comments. I had wondered if counselling might help. I think we have some available through my work so i might look that up and see if they have any suggestions.

I think this is right, kind of what are you whining about, I wouldn't have been allowed to whine about it so now I think not whining even though my arm is hanging off is the right thing to do.

I read somewhere that we are most irked by people who display the opposite behaviours to us as we think ours is right (or have been conditioned to). I'm really unsympathetic and married to someone who is also very unsympathetic (to others not to me or daughter) . My addled brain says I won't make you any better by being sympathetic so why bother , that's probably tied to me being conditioned to not moan and just get on with it. With the result that, if someone is sympathetic when I am having a tough time I have to be careful not to cry!

Surely you don’t think the rest of the world is responsible for your misunderstanding? I mean, you lived under a rock, under the impression that a single social rule you’d somehow absorbed from somewhere in childhood had to be obeyed, despite the fact that other people disobeyed it regularly without apparent ill effects, and then you bought a book in an airport and changed your mind?

@PlasticOno you seem to have understood the gist of it quite well, but put a bit of an extreme slant on it.

Let me put it more in context for you. I would travel a lot for work, and meet a lot of people, making small talk with dozens of different people every week. The majority of the time this would stay as small talk. I did not think these people were rude.

One or perhaps twice a week I would be talking with someone who would keep probing with more and more questions. How did I get these scars, how did I feel about my mum’s cancer diagnosis, how long had I been with my husband etc. I did think these people were rude. I wouldn’t ask people what I felt were personal questions.

The book was about communications styles. It explained more about why they did it and what they were trying to achieve.