Hello forum. I am in a distress writing this.
I've been with my partner for around 4 years now, we're engaged. We were supposed to set a date to get married this year. Lately I've been feeling more and more emotionally starved with my partner being very busy. The relationship didn't seem as it used to be anymore, and I wasn't sure why.
I became increasingly anxious. I noticed he took his phone with him everywhere. I brought it up many times, but he's always assured me he's just very busy with work, his new multidollar billion important project. He was recently promoted, so it all seemed to check out and I tried to gaslight myself I'm making stuff up. Meanwhile, the idea of him cheating kept playing out in my mind. I asked to see his phone - he became very defensive and "set a boundary" as he didn't want to be "this man whose partner checks his phone". I thought okay. Yesterday I've spend 2 hours making dinner, he came home and hasn't eaten, this made me think he ate somewhere else. Unfortunately my suspicion increased and it's led me to checking his phone while he was asleep I am not proud of it. I found conversations with his female colleague, who he's sending hearts to, writes her paragraphs (about work and their boss but nonetheless), and says he can't wait to meet her in person and hug her. WTF? I found this in the archived folder in whatsapps. There was more. He raised kids in his previous relationships (not his), and we discussed a few years ago that it makes me feel uncomfortable that he was speaking with his ex, so he blocked her. I never had anything against him speaking with kids directly. It turns out he's unblocked her too and still speaks to her. Of course, he's denying having an emotional affair and refuses to cut contact with both of them, says he sees nothing wrong with his conversations. Meanwhile, he barely has time to message ME while he's at work, and he's not available to me because "work is so busy".
I feel like such an idiot. He's been doing this while giving me flowers every week for years, cooking, planning dates, giving me gifts and being a supportive partner, but I've lately felt like he isn't as emotionally invested. At least now it all makes sense to me why he's stopped writing paragraphs to me when he's at work, that's simply because he's doing it with someone else. I feel massively gaslighted, AIBU about this whole thing?