Does anyone have this kind of relationship with their parents and siblings?

[Poptart37]

I want to start by saying I love my family dearly and we are close and spend a lot of time together but often when I am with them I feel like they don’t really know me, like the true me deep down. I sometimes feel out my place when spending time with them and often that is because of jokes they make at or about me. They will joke that I’m messy/lazy which yes as a teenager I was absolutely but now as a nearly 40 year old mother of 3 I most definitely am not.
The running joke when I was younger was that I never cried, never at sad movies, tv shows etc. but really back then I did feel like crying but because it was always said about me I held it in. So now as an adult they often say I’m hard as nails but actually I often do cry, to myself or my partner but never my own family.
Sometimes the things they said just are an outright lie, they will joke that in so competitive and have to win everything, when I’m actually the opposite and never claim to want to win at all? In fact I will openly say I’m not great at a lot of things.
its hard to explain but deep down I just don’t feel seen or understood but them, it’s nearly like a friendship group I have outgrown but they’re my family. I won’t if anyone else has ever felt like this

Anyone?

I have a very superficial relationship with my parents and siblings. Love them all, but they don't KNOW me, we are very different inside. I have friends that I can share things with, so I don't see it as a bad thing, just a different kind of relationship. We get on, we love each other, that's enough. Sounds like you have done resentment about your family pigeonholing you though, and that you'd like things to be different. Can you accept things or challenge them?

I wouldn't spend too much time worrying about it. Get on with your own busy life with your dcs and the proof will be in the pudding for them as they see you're not that person anymore.

I could have written this post at your age. Totally get what you're saying.
But as time has gone on, I've ceased caring and I get my validation elsewhere. As my parents aged and needed care and support from us kids, the dynamic seemed to change although there were times when I felt catapulted back to childhood (eg when my older brother congratulated me on a good suggestion/point I'd made. I felt ridiculously pleased!)
Now, looking around me, I see dysfunctional families everywhere but also, a great emphasis on the importance of those blood ties. We do all get on and have fun together so I'll go along with that.

I don’t know why I let it get to me so much. I think because I see friends who have such close relationships with their family who are like true friends to them. And I want to try to have that with my own children but unsure how given the experience I’ve had with my own parents

I feel a bit like this and I think my partner does also. There are times my mother buys me a gift or recommends something, convinced I will love it but I actually think it is something I liked or would have enjoyed in my teenage years. It is probably because that was when my parents last truly knew me as I was living with them. I feel I have gotten less dependent on my parents over the years so naturally need to share less and I don’t think they particularly ask and as long as I am seen to be happy then everything is kept quite surface level.
I think if you want or need to have a deeper relationship then you need to be more involved and organise things, share info with them and have more heartfelt conversations. It isn’t a necessity to have this sort of relationship though if you have a deeper connection with your partner or different family or friends.

I think a lot of parents struggle to see their kids as adults, and to see the changes that they've gone through since they lived in the family home.

There's a book that might be useful to you. It's called They F**k You Up by Oliver James. It's about how we're given roles and essentially characters to play within our families, and how straying from them as we grow can affect dynamics. I definitely get where you're coming from. I am "the practical, sensible one who would have done great things had she gone to uni." It isn't who I am, but when I try to point this out, it's usually met with a knowing, patronising chuckle as if they know me better than me.

I 100% feel like this, but I've never seen it written out so clearly before so never really thought if it as a thing. I have sort of voiced it to my DH who understood. I think he is the only person who properly knows me. I don't think one member of my family really knows me, they just have this caricature idea of me in their heads. I get very similar comments about things I did/didn't do as a kid, emotions I wouldn't express, slightly odd things I'd do, etc. It gets quite boring constantly hearing that version of you be referred to as if it's gospel, and no one is interested in knowing who I actually am now. The way they see me is completely different to the way anyone I've met since being an adult would see me. But weirdly I do like my family (mostly) and we do quite a bit together, yet I also find them a bit annoying because of this.
I have also found that my childhood friends who I am still friends with now do a similar but not to the same extent.

I had a colleague send me a glowing review recently as part of a reward programme we have and I was chuffed to read it as it was so unexpected. But one of my first thoughts was that if you showed it to my family they would never guess it was written about me, the proper grown up who is able to do her big girl job really well!

I feel exactly like this.

My relationship with them is surface level only and they really have no idea who I am.

I don’t share anything meaningful about my life because they either have no idea what I’m talking (and make no effort to understand) e.g. developments in my career, reaching a fitness goal, or they ruin it by being judgmental and sneering. So for my sanity, I have stopped telling them anything important.

I essentially practise grey rock with most of them and keep conversations completely and mind-numbingly mundane e.g. the weather, chit-chat about babies in the family.

My advice would be to not to let it get to you and to focus on your life & family and just thrive in silence - some people don’t deserve to share in your successes, even if they’re family.

Same thing can happen with me. Sometimes my mother thinks I have an agenda when I absolutely have no agenda. Sometimes she thinks I'm thinking things that I'm not thinking. I don't like being unfairly judged. When I protest, it's ignored.

I think the best thing is not to react and just put space between you and them when they do it. Literally don't react. They could be projecting.

Yes, my family don't know me. Ever since I had my 2nd child they no longer visit.7 years now. Their is jealousy there. When I try to have a conversation about my life they nod then start talking wholly about themselves. They don't ask anything about me. Its bewildering really but I've got my in laws who turn up, are fun, are kind. Iive started to feel really sorry for them. Yes I miss out somewhat but I'll have a great relationship with my kids.

What are they jealous of?

Such a shame that they’re missing out on a relationship with their grandchildren / nieces & nephews.

Good guessing that they are a neice/nephew. I really don't know if it's jealously, it's a guess as they get jealous of everyone. I have a son and daughter. My mum has 2 daughters and they get jealous when they feel someone gets something they don't have. I also have a close bond with my in laws. They think I'm still 12, bless them. They lack kindness and will be mean when no one else overhears. Then they deny their words. I suppose people like that are abusive and the more they gaslight, inside they must realise they don't like themselves.