New boyfriend has told me he cheated on ex fiancée at the start of their relationship, how would you feel?

[Lollyloo38]

I’ve been with my boyfriend now for almost a year. He told me a few months ago that he slept with someone else at the beginning of his 5 year relationship with his ex girlfriend and didn’t tell her. I asked outright if he had cheated as my ex partner had cheated on me and he told me this and said he didn’t want to lie to me.
he went on to propose to his ex around 2 years later and they were set to marry but they broke up before that. He never told her about the cheating. The woman he cheated with was someone he worked with at the time and they spent one night together however they did remain in sporadic contact over the years. I told him outright that if he felt as guilty as he said he did then why did he not tell his girlfriend and why did he keep in touch with the OW? He said it wasn’t much contact but she was still popping up every now and again during the start of our relationship until I asked him to delete her, maybe I shouldn’t but the last message she sent him was one asking if he was “still romancing?” after he told her he was with someone new (me).
his explanation for this is that she showed him attention that night and he was very drunk and things weren’t good at home (but he went on to get engaged and have another 4 years with his partner).
do you feel that people can change or would this put you off someone?
his defence to me is that he didn’t have to tell me and that only 1 other friend knew about this, and I guess he didn’t have to tell me but I did ask because I wanted to know.

Oh agreed it I could possibly see past one but not the other but they'd have to admit it was their mistake! Ongoing affair no way.

I actually think an awful lot of men (and women tbh) have cheated at some point or would have had the opportunity arose. Most of them wouldn't admit it if they could get away with concealing it.

He has been honest and to me that would be positive. But only you know what your views on cheating are, OP. I know some people consider it utterly wrong in all circumstances - others have a more nuanced view.

Good luck whatever you decide.

I think it's utter nonsense that most people would cheat given the opportunity. I know plenty of people who have never and would never cheat and plenty of other people who are always cheating or always on the look out. The non cheaters have been given as much opportunity as the cheaters. All of the people I know who have cheated or do cheat are absolutely a particular type. Selfish people cheat. Self obsessed people tend to cheat. Also quite weak people. It's easy to believe, if you are a cheat, that it's just something everyone does, but it's really not. I've never known a loving, giving, genuine, authentic person who also cheats. Ultimately you betray and lie to the people you love the most... That takes a certain personality type.

What age was he at the time?

Another here who thought that early in the relationship meant that he had slept with someone else as his relationship with his ex was getting off the ground and before there was definite commitment. I’m not sure I would even call that cheating. But 1 year in is a whole different matter and definitely troubling. I wouldn’t describe it as being early on.

That said, everyone is capable of making bad decisions and doing the wrong thing once - it’s not inevitable they will do the same thing again.

He has told you when he didn’t need to and I would take that as a good sign. Don’t feel duty bound to end it if you don’t want to.

@Francisflute and @whichwayisup make great points! Reread their comments.

I think the first commenter was also correct. He is showing you who he is—telling you who he is—this makes you helpless to criticize him when he does it again. It’s actually a well known confidence trick. He implicitly makes you one with him in having cheated on the first gf. You give him absolution for it when you accept it. Then when it happens again you will feel like you don’t have cause to be really outraged, after all you condoned it before.

I'm my experience, no they don't change. Especially the ones who have a long term "thing" with someone other than their partner - be it full on affair, emotional cheating or fwb type thing.

Happened to me, at both ends of the relationship. I didn't know I was the OW at the beginning, I believed his crap about "but we are better at communicating and I love you more". He done the exact same to me at the end of our relationship. I also suspect more short term cheating (at least emotional cheating) went on during our long relationship, but no solid proof.

A drunken kiss on a night out with no back story I could probably excuse, but nothing long term.

Believe in him.

The “romancing” text would give me pause for thought tbh. In fairness, he wasn’t the one who typed it so can’t really be blamed for it. It just seems sort of intimate to me. And it implies that she thinks he’s a player.

I am 52, and I must say that I do know people who’ve cheated on exes who wouldn’t engage in infidelity in their current relationships. People I know very well, such as my ex flatmate and my best mate at work. My mum’s close friend left her husband in the 1980s for another guy, to whom she’s very happily and faithfully married at age 85. So I think it does depend on the relationship. Only you know what your relationship is like and how likely he is (and you are!) to ignore temptation.

What would put me off is the 5 year relationship and no marriage. Someone who's engaged to you for 2 years with not so much as a wedding date set, doesn't want to marry you. Unless there's been some drastic set of upheavals during that time.

That plus the cheating....

He fannied her around it sounds like.
He'll do the same to you.

I'd wonder at him giving TMI on it to me. Why worry someone about it if its been dealt with, is in the past and not going to affect the present? All its achieved is to leave you mulling it over. It could almost be as if he likes it when a GF has less security, makes him feel bigger as his partner gets reduced by being set up with unnecessary competition.
I'd then decide to get off this treadmill as I don't want to take part in his form of sport ( I've just been to the gym, hence the analogy). It's much easier and nicer to be with someone who doesn't have these skeletons, or doesn't bring them up because they really have moved on. That he needs to talk about it, is a warning, heed it, I doubt he's learnt anything from it and could fall into a similar situation quite easily unless he successfully trains you to be his constant cheerleader. He's also saying, "give positive attention to me all the time, even when I'm a dick, or I'll go elsewhere". Are you in training?

I think he is a cheating type still, because of the 'reasons' he gave for doing it.

I cheated - and when I speak about it now, I take full responsibility. I was young, thoughtless, and I did not consider my boyfriends feelings at all, because I was too busy enjoying the excitement and the infatuation. But seeing what it did to my bf when I confessed - my goodness I would never want to put someone through that again. And I never have.

Whereas this bloke tries to make it's his ex's fault - aaaw, poor diddums needed attention! And he was drunk! And there were problems in the relationship! what else can a person do but cheat??!!

So you better be careful. If he gets drunk, or someone gives him attention when you are having a rough patch - you know what he's liable to do.

I’ve cheated in the past and moved past that. I was very unhappy in my marriage and almost looking for a different partner but I realised many men are players and what I have is not worth throwing away. I set boundaries and didn’t give to temptation. There are many reasons people cheat. Because he has done it in a past relationship doesn’t mean he will do it now. He has years of history with this girl who messages him he needs to break that as he has choosen you.

Many don’t set out to cheat and there are many reasons why it can happen. Good people can make mistakes.

It’s a red flag.

Sad to say but, OP, you have learned the hard way never to ask questions about a new partner's sexual history because no good can ever come of the answers.

This. And also people who have never cheated before can still cheat.

I would say it isn't the act itself, it's more how he behaved afterwards and his attitude towards it..

No, I wouldn’t date a man who has done this.

Moral of the story... never be honest about your shortcomings because MN will say he's showing you who he is and dump you anyway.

Better to lie and potentially get away with it :)

The thing that stands out for me is that it was a whole year in, he was already living with his ex so it was definitely serious. The way he is talking about it doesn't fill me with confidence that if he were drunk, you weren't getting on, and someone started paying him attention that he wouldn't do the same thing again.

He doesn't sound remorseful. He sounds like he got away with it.

Yep

I think it is good he has been honest, as it shows he knows what he did was wrong. However I agree with you he hasn't fully worked through how he got in that situation and resolved his own insecurities that led to it - to the point it doesn't feel he has learnt much and could do it again.

Men do this a lot. When they keep doing it, it doesn't matter how honest they are about it if they can't recognise a pattern of behaviour and get help/work on it. I think it would give me a seed of doubt, for sure but better than someone pretending they never did anything bad in a relationship and just happened to always date psychos.

I would suspect that the truth was much worse. That is because I knew someone who did this. He was a serial cheat, but would tell a little bit of truth to make it look like he was fessing up and was an honest guy, and would use the phrase ‘ I don’t want to lie to you’ to make himself look truthful. Even though he was lying to your face.

He is telling you who he is.
Don't be shocked if he cheats again.
I wouldn't be trusting him, a waste of time to.