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Original poster

Dating just because I want children

27 replies

MintChocolatex · 04/04/2024 20:24

I've always wanted children all my life, but in the past few years, with everyone in my age group having them (mid 30s) I've began to feel desperate and that it's all I think about. Im freaking out about my age and if i'll achieve my dream. I feel now, in the next few years, will be the making or breaking of my life. I have very few friends or family and life is lonely.

I have never been too successful with men. I have had a few short relationships which haven't worked out, no more than a year long. But these were mostly pre 30, when babies weren't everywhere and weren't on my mind.

I would say also i'm an experienced OLDater, having used apps on and off for about 10 years. I can get first dates, but either when we meet I don't find myself wanting to see them again or they don't want to see me, it never seems to work out which is demoralising and tiring/time wasting in itself!! I really want to pack in dating. I don't enjoy it, I genuinely feel when i'm getting ready for a date that i'd probably prefer being on my sofa relaxing. I also work full time so having to date on my time off when nothing works out makes me feel resentful of having to do it.

But with that I know i'm never going to meet someone to have a baby with. And due to the fact i'm feeling desperate about being pregnant, every first date I go on i'm wondering if this person would be willing to have a baby within the next couple of years.... even more so than if the relationship itself would be successful long term I think. Although if I don't like them/am not attracted to them, I don't continue dating for the sake of it.

It makes me feel like i'm being a bit dishonest about dating really, I don't know that I really want to be dating or to find a relationship, mostly because i'm fed up of it all not working out, its just about NOT ending up childless. I feel awful really. I've even considered how it wouldn't be awful if I had a few years relationship and then it ended as long as we'd had a baby. Being a single Mum wouldn't be awful and of course i'd hope to maintain a good co parent relationship.

I don't want to go it alone. Has anyone else felt this way? Or have any positive stories?

OP posts:
opentoadvice88 · 04/04/2024 20:29

What puts your off about going solo?

It’ll take the pressure off and you can date when you want rather than because of a need.

MrsTerryPratchett · 04/04/2024 20:34

Do you feel attracted to anyone generally? Because physical attraction is the main issue with OLD. You meet someone and frankly, a lot of it is about smell and weird subconcious stuff. So do you ever feel that?

Isthisexpected · 04/04/2024 20:38

OLD is generally just a numbers game. But I'd also look at who you're meeting. If you want a child with someone you need someone who says on their profile they definitely want kids and then be upfront about that being a goal quickly. My now husband and I discussed having children within two years on our second date as we were older.

In your shoes if I wasn't in a long term relationship by 37 I'd plan to go it alone.

Original poster
MintChocolatex · 04/04/2024 21:36

MrsTerryPratchett · 04/04/2024 20:34

Do you feel attracted to anyone generally? Because physical attraction is the main issue with OLD. You meet someone and frankly, a lot of it is about smell and weird subconcious stuff. So do you ever feel that?

Yes, I liked someone I met recently, but he didn't feel as strongly as me so it didn't go on

OP posts:
Original poster
MintChocolatex · 04/04/2024 21:38

Isthisexpected · 04/04/2024 20:38

OLD is generally just a numbers game. But I'd also look at who you're meeting. If you want a child with someone you need someone who says on their profile they definitely want kids and then be upfront about that being a goal quickly. My now husband and I discussed having children within two years on our second date as we were older.

In your shoes if I wasn't in a long term relationship by 37 I'd plan to go it alone.

Yeah but I can't believe the amount of people i've been on first dates with over the years, how can NONE of them be a real match?

And yes, I only ever match with people who state they want children on their profiles, even if it isn't filled in at all, I won't match with them

OP posts:
LividAA · 04/04/2024 21:40

Stop that shit and look at the Donor Conception Network.

MMMarmite · 04/04/2024 21:44

Try speed dating. You get to several people each for 5 minutes, saves a lot of faffing around online and then not fancying them in person anyway.

Newsenmum · 04/04/2024 21:46

LividAA · 04/04/2024 21:40

Stop that shit and look at the Donor Conception Network.

I agree with this. Just get onto the exciting fertility journey!

DreadPirateRobots · 04/04/2024 21:54

If you're resigned to doing it on your own down the line, and frankly coming at it this way doesn't make for long-term relationship stability, you might as well go it alone now, and have the chance to meet a real partner later without all the complications of an ex you share custody with and assessing a man's willingness to give up his sperm the second you meet.

LifeIsShitt · 04/04/2024 22:03

It will be much harder to meet a man as a single mum I would continue to look for a partner personally and not go it alone.

Dryt · 04/04/2024 22:08

If mid 30s is 33-34 why not give yourself a couple more years to see if you can find a partner who you’d actually like to do the whole family thing with, while building savings and planning for if you don’t. If mid-30s is 37 or 38 and you would definitely rather be single with a child than partnered possibly without then maybe explore the solo options?

Strawberriesandpears · 04/04/2024 23:49

May I ask, where does the child come in all this? Do you think bringing them into a possibly new and unstable relationship with the idea that it doesn't matter if you split a few years down the line so long as YOU are happy is fair? And what about the father too? Where does he come in all of this? What about his life / feelings?

ViciousCurrentBun · 05/04/2024 00:16

How many dates have you been on? when I think of the hundreds of men I have met, not dating but just at work, hobbies, officialdom such as having a medical appointment, people in queues at the checkout. The amount I would have contemplated to date even casually is minuscule, it’s a numbers game.

PlasticOno · 05/04/2024 00:28

If you have very few family and friends and ‘life is lonely’, are you having a baby as a bandage? Is it worth working on your friendships, both for themselves and in case there’s something to learn there which might be applicable to your relationships? I can’t imagine ‘Are you up for a baby within two years?’ is a great state of mind in which to approach first dates.

Hibernating80 · 05/04/2024 00:40

I recommend you find a group counselling session with people in a similar boat. If you want it and it's not happening then there is possibly something sub conscious holding you back. There are plenty of fish in the sea.

Sashya · 05/04/2024 01:03

OP - you need to quicky become more realistic and decide what is actually important to you. IF having it all is not possible - decide on the next best thing and go for it?

I don't know what is really going on with you and dating - but given that your relationship history is what it is - doing more of the same is NOT going to get you to a relationship+baby in the next couple of years. (bar a miracle)

If you really want to have a baby - you have two options atm - get pregnant "by mistake" - or go to a sperm bank. This way you will definitely not end up childless. And after that you could maybe relax and stop pointless OLD. And maybe, without the pressure of finding someone to impregnate you - you'll meet a partner.

withbells · 05/04/2024 03:14

Why do you want a baby and can you realistically do it alone? Have you really thought about why you want a child? So many people are opting to be child-free and there's lots of benefits to that.

Is the only reason you are dating is to get pregnant in the near future or are you hoping to fall in love and create a family together? Because those are 2 very different things.

Solo parenting is hard, but if you really want a child then it's sensible to start considering a sperm bank.
Have you had any fertility checks?
I think it would be easier to have a child solo now when your peers are having children, rather than wait 5 years then do it.

So many men and women find love (or love again) after they've had children so don't let that put you off, as you've experienced dating isn't easy and online dating doesn't generally deliver. Once you have a plan regarding having a child you will find your life alters so much and you will be mixing with lots of new people which might in turn lead to you meeting a partner.

Justanotherdobby · 05/04/2024 03:21

I was in your position and eventually decided to become a single mother by choice at 34. I am currently pregnant with my first child but it took multiple IVF rounds and sadly, several miscarriages to get to this point.

Consider whether you are willing to potentially miss out on becoming a mother by continuing to focus your energy on dating, something you acknowledge you are not enjoying, is not going well and you are only doing as a means to have a child. Fertility tests may be able to give you some idea of your ovarian reserve but they cannot tell you anything about the quality of your eggs and if you should find as I did that you have health conditions that may make conceiving harder you may not have as much time as you think to have children.

If I had my time again I would have started ttc solo earlier and potentially spared myself the heartbreak, stress and financial impact I had to experience. You can fall in love at any age, your time to conceive is limited. I'm so excited to meet my little boy and finally feel as if my life is moving forward positively after years of feeling stuck and unfulfilled. There is more than one route to contentment/happiness, just something for you to consider x

letitlego · 05/04/2024 07:26

This is a very familiar story

Ten years ago i was you: single, worried about not having children, with of single friends in the same position, all feeling anxious

It sounds like you really want it to happen and OLD is a numbers game

Reassess what you looking for in a man. Do they share your values? Why have you rejected so many after the first date?

terfinthewild · 08/04/2024 01:09

opentoadvice88 · 04/04/2024 20:29

What puts your off about going solo?

It’ll take the pressure off and you can date when you want rather than because of a need.

Hopefully the fact that she realises that children have a right to have the love and protection of both their parents and shouldn't be brought in to the world for the sole purpose of fulfilling the needs of her own desire for motherhood.

Pinkbonbon · 08/04/2024 02:00

You need to stop.

Once something becomes an obsession, you stop thinking clearly. Baby fever is not healthy. Nor is the obsession yours has deepened into.

Consider seeking therapy. I'd advise anyone with an obsession that's making their life miserable to do the same. We need to stop encouraging eachother to lean into things that could ruin our lives.

Set asside this 'dream'. Now I'm not saying it'll never happen. But I am saying- we do not ruin our lives for non existent people.

Nor is it OK to use other people just for a baby. How would you feel if a man only wanted you for your uterus?

None of us are entitled to kids just because we want them. No matter how much.

I know it hurts like a bitch to let go of a dream. But this dream is toxic to you. Treat it the same way you would any other mental illness. Because that's what it is.

Sometimes we get sick. Or obsess over unherhy things. It's common. Normal, even. But that doesn't mean we should lean into it.

Time to let it go.
Find other dreams. For now at least.
If you're not happy without a kid, you'll probably not be happy with one either.

Pinkbonbon · 08/04/2024 02:05

terfinthewild · 08/04/2024 01:09

Hopefully the fact that she realises that children have a right to have the love and protection of both their parents and shouldn't be brought in to the world for the sole purpose of fulfilling the needs of her own desire for motherhood.

Show quote history

100% this too.

That and the fact that having a kid is one of the most gruelling things you could ever do. So to deliberately do it alone, is madness. It might work for some but I wouldn't advise anyone to choose it. It puts women in such a precarious position to have kids anyway, let alone...alone.

user1492757084 · 08/04/2024 02:55

Look seriously into having your eggs frozen so that if you are a little older when you meet a Mr Right and marry, you will have options of perhaps having children.
Be strategic about meeting a partner. Make it your aim to partner up...
Speed dating, asking you friends to indroduce you at coffee meet ups (your friends know you), joining clubs for activities that you really enjoy in the hope of meeting a compatible date.

ThisNiftyMintCat · 08/04/2024 03:33

Have you considered moving country? Maybe English men just don't do it for you

KatPurrson · 08/04/2024 08:53

If you want a kid start now and work directly on that.

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