Not another emotionally abusive relationship?!

[Yourusername3636]

Hi mumsnet people. Thanks for taking the time to read this. I have 2 DC under 3 with DH (although we are not married) and a 10 year old from a previous relationship. My last relationship turned sour soon after we moved in together when DC was about 2. He was emotionally abusive and would physically throw things/kick/punch things etc. He has a high powered job in a foreign government so completely steam rollered me in court. It was awful. I had a break of 2 years after my separation with him before meeting my current partner, who I thought was very different to previous partner. We have been together 5 years and have 2 children - moved fast, I know.
He came clean about a gambling addiction when I was pregnant with our second child. I had thought he was saving for a deposit for a house, he was infact wasting thousands of pounds each month on his gambling, leaving me to pay the majority of bills. I was a fool. He got clean and his parents bailed him out. He has developed a vile temper (I had seen it aimed at others before but not me until I had his kids)- loosing his rag and yelling at me in public over nothing. He has shouted in our own garden that I am an unfit mum and he will have the children taken away from me - a reoccurring theme in his angry outbursts. He shouts and my eldest DC and makes her cry. He has started comparing me to other women, saying I am not normal and they are. He punched the wall last week because I served a roast dinner in dishes on the table instead of plating it for him. I have tried to stand up to him but my voice isn't loud enough, or I say the wrong thing - it doesn't help. The strange thing is I start to doubt what's happened, he will come back with a bottle of wine and play with the kids, laughing... Like I should feel happy and fine too, like nothing has happened.
He regularly gets angry and shouts or stonewalls me for hours (but talks to the kids!) I have just found out he is over 10,000 in debt on credit cards and payday loans (I have been asking for months to see his finances). He then lied to me about how he used this money as I could see in his statements he hadn't used them for what he said he had and the debt went back years. He is hemorrhaging over 500 a month just on basic interest payments.

 I now want out, he is refusing to leave the rented house. We have been in couples therapy but he said during a 1:1 session that the therapist said I was not right in the head and it was "all my fault". He then said he didn't want to go again. 

Will I be able to sort out child arrangements without a court battle? Does anyone have advice on this. A huge part of me still feels like I am responsible for his behavior and I literally feel like I am stood in a boxing ring with him constantly belittling me in front of the children. I feel utterly stuck and useless and just want to find a way forward to keep it peaceful for the children. Any advice greatly appreciated x

1. Get therapy for yourself
2. Get a lawyer
3. Go through the family courts and leave him - he is a terrible example to your daughter

Thankyou niftymint. I would love to get some therapy just for me. I think that will be my reward once this is done. I'm definitely not going to have any more relationships until I figure out why I keep ending up in this situation. I was hoping I could avoid family court... I definitely can't afford a lawyer... And while he is refusing to leave the home I am still reliant on his money as I can't technically top on my small salary with benefits (which would also entitle me to help with therapy costs and court costs). Just feeling so stuck and everything is so raw. Thanks for your clear advice ❤️

If you cant leave for your self find the strength to leave for your children, especially your eldest daughter. I was shouted at and belittled by my step father he sounds extremely similar.
I'll tell you something you do not want to hear but you need to hear. Growing up with an abusive step father has destroyed my self esteem and I have severe attachment issues , I have had alot of counselling and therapy but I still have alot of work to do. The worst part of it all is not only do I hate him, I resent and hate my mother for not leaving him until I was much older and it was too late the damage was already done. I understand domestic abuse is complex, however in 2024 there are options and you can leave. Starting all over again with nothing and even fleeing to a refuge will save your relationship with your children and save you all overall. I wish that this happened to me and my siblings , I was the eldest and it's very common that the abuser will pick a scapegoat. Please protect your children at all costs. This is damaging them every single minute you stay with this man , if the daughter doesnt see you leave and have a better life ... what do you think she will be attracted to when she is older? It's not pretty believe me. Leave leave leave.

Contact womens aid , they will answer all of your questions , even support you through the court process , do it as soon as you can

Womens aid.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I could have written this post myself a few years back. I would contact Women's Aid for help getting him away from you . It might be worth making an apt with universal credit and explain you are separated. Mediation is usually the first step in family court and you get the fee off if you are low income/ on benefits, however tread carefully as there is evidence of abuse here. Always worth getting advice. The fee isn't a lot of you can't get it wavered.

Step one is getting away from the draining leech. Do not let any of the name calling, belittling get into your head- this is part of the gamblers tactics to keep you down so they can continue to abuse you.

I feel for you but it will be better now your eyes are open.. there are great free advice phonelines for people affected by gambling too, they can help you see that the problem is with him and you are not responsible.

Check in here and keep reaching out. You are strong and you deserve peace and safety.

Definitely contact a domestic abuse organisation. You can also get free advice from Citizens Advice who can help you with claiming benefits.

Looking at some of the things you've said, no therapist would tell their client that another person is not right in the head. In case you weren't sure, he made that up.
Given that he then stopped going, or seems more lehr that the therapist tried to get him to see his own character flaws and he reacted badly.
And comparing you to other women is a firm of abuse. Again he's lying, there is nothing wrong with you and you are not an unfit mother.
I am concerned though that he is from another country. You need to start getting your ducks in a row to leave and get advice about how to protect your two youngest from being taken out of the UK.

You can find a way through this OP. It's about finding solutions not just seeing obstacles.

Hi allears!
Yes I suspected he was making up what the therapist had said. I actually emailed the therapist to end the sessions as he said he no longer wanted to go and that our trust had been undermined as he had said XYZ about their session. The strange thing was the next session that was booked... He thought we were going to go and was surprised I had cancelled them. I feel like my head is in a washing machine! He has asked that he see the email I sent the therapist and the one they sent back. I have said no. But now feel like I have done something wrong by cancelling them... Which is what I mean by feeling like me head is in a washing machine.
He is not foreign, that was my previous partner (so I know all about child arrangements in other countries if anyone needs advice on that).
He's refusing to engage in any suggestions for mediation or the possibility of leaving the house, he's being superdad of the year and I am feeling like I have made a storm in a teacup and everything is on me and I should apologize and carry on like normal.

Hi All ears, sorry I wrote a long reply but I don't think I connected it to your post. I'm on a learning curb here, bear with me!

@Yourusername3636 I've been listening to a podcast called The narc & me. You might find ir helpful in your situation, especially as his behaviour is messing with your head.

I'll give it a look. I don't think he is a narcissist though. My previous partner was for sure! This is more confusing!

He may not be a narcissist but he is a cunt

So after a few nights of completely ignoring me he's just confirmed with me that I want a separation. He's then accused me of waiting for the bills to be paid before I decided I didn't want us to be together (like I prioritise that in this situation?!) and said he doesn't want mediation or to f""'ing talk to me and would see me in court. Humph! I said I was going for a walk around the block and he accused me of seeing a boyfriend! I don't know whether to be happy he's at least heard me, cry because he's being unreasonable or laugh because he thinks I've been having an affair. Just thought I'd update you all and thankyou, so much, for the support. I don't have a huge support network or financial backing and Mumsnet/womens aid/gamcare are keeping me going x

He came clean about a gambling addiction when I was pregnant with our second child.

I would have left then. It's time to leave. Good luck.

I wish I had. I had issues with my hips so was unable two walk at the time, I guess vulnerability made me forgive. I'm done now though, although he has told me this evening he is going to use everything against me and destroy me on court. It's 1.30 in the morning and our DC wakes up crying saying owww" (he is currently sleeping on her room - which stinks of his cider breath). I go mad fetch her Calpol as I recognise the owww" to be pain, likely tummy ache. I pass it over and very loudly and clearly he tells me "F"' OFF YOU VILE C"T" on front of her. This is going to be so awful for the kids I actually feel sick!