Someone slap me please, I am a cow!

[greeneyedgirl]

Living with my parents due to splitting with hubby (have been since 2006) and I am really getting fed up with the way things are.

My parents are very good to me as I don't need to pay rent (currently jobless) and they love having my dd in the house. BUT, my Mum and I just seem to rub each other up the wrong way all the time. Generally we are very close and I love her to pieces, but now I just seem to be irritated with her all the time and snapping constantly and she is doing the same with me.

I am not very happy with my life, although not depressed I think, and she is not happy with hers and because of this we have frequent arguments about stupid things that mean nothing. I know that she thinks alot of my worries are superficial (but I am a natural born worrier and worry about EVERYTHING) and often gives me lectures. I am not allowed to say things about my weight for example, because she says I am insulting her because she is bigger than me. I get told how "snotty" I am and how I make her feel bad, and she does say this quite alot, even though she believes she doesn't.

I could go on, but as you can see it is all pointless inconsequetial stuff! As a result I feel guilty because I suppose she must be right and really think I need to move out and leave her and Dad to their own space, but without a job and savings, what the hell do I do? I don't want to make her feel bad all the time, how can I be a better person?

It is 2008, have you not been working towards saving to move out for the past two years? Why can't you get a job?

Oh and the problems you have are probably entirely due to the fact that adult children shouldn't live with their parents.

Think that was a bit harsh.But the sentiments are probably true.
You are bound to start getting on each others nerves after a while. The issues may be inconsequential, but the fact that you are unhappy with your life, is not.
Perhaps you could sit down and try to make a plan on how you can change your life. What ways you could, in the short term be a bit happier - be out of the house more ? Have some activities planned to do that would keep you all focussed.
And in the long term, what measures you need to put in place to find a job where you could eventually sustain yourself & your DD financially - college course ?

I did have a job that ended last yr and I temped over xmas, but trying to get a part time job is like searching for the holy grail (full time would not be worth the hassle financially and for my dd). If I was looking for full time then I would be able to get a job tomorrow!

As for savings, no, all the savings I had I have used to live off whilst not had a job, and I am not getting anything from the divorce as OH is in debt up to his eyeballs. I do have plans to make things better, I want to go to uni when DD starts school, but that is 2 years away and I DON'T want to claim benefits and I haven't, all I get are tax credits and some maintenance from OH. I doubt very much I would get a council property as I am not an desperate case.

I passed my driving test last yr and so I do get out alot more than I used to, but with the weather being so crap at the mo, not really a great deal to do.

Basically that post was just a long winded way of saying I am starting from scratch again. Carmenere, I know that adult kids should not live with their parents, is another reason I feel so awful.

Thanks for replying both of you

What is stopping you from getting a job?

Getting out of your parents' house is important - the sooner the better. I really don't think that adult children still living with their parents ever works very well - never mind with a baby or toddler in the mix.

As for the snapping and being unkind and rude to her - well, that is entirely within your power. You just need to stop doing it!

Sorry you are having such a hard time. It is difficlut starting from scratch, esp with a little one in tow.
I understand your reticence to claim benefits, but if you are entitled to them then in my opinion you should claim them. Perhaps you could use some of that cash to pay your Mum a bit, that way you would feel a bit more in control.
Well done on passing your test !!

Options for jobs at the mo are basically a supermarket, which I really don't want. I am sure it would be better than nothing, I don't mind retail, just not a supermarket.

I am with agencies, I scour the paper every week, I have speculatively emailed companies with my CV. I may be forced to do FT, but with the childcare costs it would still be difficult to move out, I would need to find out about housing benefit. I went to the Jobcentre in my town to set up an appt with a lone parent advisor and they looked at me like I was mad and didn't have a clue what I was on about!

I am doing as much as I possibly can to get a job! I have just sold my engagement and wedding rings for extra cash.

I didn't say I was being unkind to my Mum, I never would be, I have been brought up well in that respect, it is mainly just snapping I guess. I will stop.

I don't think I did the right thing posting here, just feel a complete failure now.

Thanks for your advice ladies, at least people are listening.

Thanks Mum1369

I lived back home with my parents for a short while and under completely different reasons, but I knew that after 4 months, I had to get out to preserve my sanity relationship with my mum...

I do think it is important to get out of the family home and it will give you back some control of your life....

Benefits are there to help you and don't be afraid to use them...

Good luck!!

Agree, you should claim benefits whilst you are jobhunting, thats the whole point of it. Its ok to be proud of supporting yourself etc but in reality you arent - your parents are looking after your needs ie rent.

It is only natural for you both to be getting a bit wound up because as you say you are all adults with your own ways and you all need your own space.

I would look into options for accommodation if I were you and I would take the job in the supermarket to give you an incentive to get back into work and then you can pay your own rent in your own place and peace should be restored!!

i think you should work in the supermarket and getting out of the house will give you a boost and a bit of money.. and you will feel less like a kid and more like an adult again.. keep looking for other work too. but definitely do something NOW if you can. we live with my PILS for 4 months when we were moving house, it is hard being in someone else's home and their space and it is nowhere near as relaxed as being in your own home .

If you worked FT and earned less than (I think) £56,000 pa you would qualify for working family tax credit, child tax credit and help towards your childcare costs. My mate is a police sergeant and she says she gets most of her childcare paid for. I work as a teaching assistant so it's school hours - crap money BUT I will get about £600 per month in tax credits which will help me immensely! Will pay the mortgage at least!

The reason I want the part time job is for the working tax credits, as they are very generous. But I always thought the amount they paid towards childcare fees gets less when you're earning a FT wage IYSWIM.

I am worried to claim benefits, as when I was pg I tried to claim jobseekers allowance (we had foolishly moved to a new town in the early stages of my pg) and I didn't get that because I had done part time work for less than a year once in the distant past and didn't pay enough NI apparently. This was despite working in a FT, very well paid job after that period for 2 years.

What benefits could I claim? Also, how would I find a rental property if I was getting housing benefit? I know most private rental landlords don't take on those who propose to pay the rent through housing benefit (found that out working for a housing association).

Looks like the supermarket route is all I have left, better just get on with it.

hey don't give up! there are landlords out there who don't care where the money's coming from so long as it gets paid on time. have you applied for council housing?? we've been where you are and it feels like it's sooo much to do but we finally got a break when we went to our local citizens advice. they helped us suss out what was what and helped with filling in forms etc. also try gingerbread site. it has great tips etc for lone parents. hang in there, things will get better.

I have been where you are but lived with my mum for 9 months, not the finest 9 months of my life but not my mums fault either, having 2 kids & 2 adults in one room was probably the main cause!

Have you contacted your local council? they normally have landlords they work with who accept housing benefit etc?

Being a single parent with no job i think you can claim, income support & child tax credits why have you not done this?

It sounds like a very difficult situation for all of you. Could you and your mum make a plan together for helping you move on? She probably niggles away at you because she doesn't see the situation coming to an end. Good luck with your plans.

Thanks for all your help and advice ladies, it's really helpful. My Mum doesn't like me talking about moving out as she would like DD and I to stay forever I think lol. So when I do say anything about moving out she gets upset and thinks it's personal, although it doesn't help that it tends to be on the back of an argument.

My frustration stems from what I see as my failure to be an adult and provide for my child and unfortunately this means that I am not a ray of sunshine all the time (although I am cheery quite alot). I have calmed down from this morning by spending time with my DD making rice krispie cakes (I am baking challenged I am afraid lol), and feel a bit better. I am off to see my new dp tonight, who is so wonderful to me I can hardly believe it, so I know I also have alot to be thankful for.

I think I will look into the benefits route on Monday and see what I could get. Thanks again ladies .

You should be able to get income support or jobseekers allowance (which I think is about £59 per week) as well as your child tax credit / child benefit. Don't be ashamed of claiming these. One day you will support others in your position, maybe, who need help via your tax contributions. That is what society is for, to help each other. Extra money will help you financially and will help your self-esteem because you won't be as dependent on your parents. Hope you feel better soon.

Your poor mum. She ends up with an adult child and grandchild in her house and invading her space. Then she gets snapped at too.

Echo the other posters - you need to move out - I don't buy the idea that you can't work - you come over as literate and intelligent on here - of course you can work.

Good luck

I moved back home
with a young child

I did work and my mum helped with m dd

good luck with and try working a break will be good for all of you

Um, thanks for that Quattro . I never said I couldn't work, just finding it hard to find part time positions as they are few and far between at moment in my town. Yes I am literate and intelligent and as I said if it was full time I was looking for I would have absolutely no probs at all getting a job (albeit a crappily paid one)!

I have lived off my own money, have borrowed (despite offers) no money at all from my parents and I will never do so. I do all my own shopping (and some of theirs) and I do not expect everything to be done for me. In my OP I obviously came across as a moody and ungrateful teenager, which is far from the truth. I tell my Mum regularly how much I appreciate her and what a great person she is, it's just that sometimes we are equally sharp with each other.

One of the other problems is, as I stated before, is that she doesn't want me to leave, so discussing it is difficult.

Sometimes when things get a bit grim it is useful to get other people's perspectives, no matter how harsh they may sound, so thanks all.

Be nice to Greeneyedgirl or you'll have me to contend with

Hey Greeneyedgirl, long time no see. Don't have much to add, other than I am sorry to see that things are not working out great at the moment and that you are not happy with your life as it stands.

I am sure you would change your situation if you could so ignore some of the less sympathetic answers here.

It's really hard to rebuild after a divorce and you are very brave to start from scratch, as you call it. Don't worry about snapping at your mum, that's just what we all do with our parents in this kind of situation, no matter how much we love them. I am sure DD will do the same to you one day

how are things otherwise, did it not work out with that guy?

Hey Posting!! How goes it? I must admit I feel better already than I did when I posted earlier. I was probably just having an "I feel sorry for myself" moment. I am sure things will pick up for me, just gotta wait it out.

The guy is absolutely the best decision I ever made! He's gorgeous, intelligent, kind, generous and seems to like me very much, the feeling is obviously mutual. He keeps telling me how wonderful I am and I do get to wondering what the hell he sees in me lol, but hey, I'm not going to complain!!

Thank you for being nice as always . Oh and believe it or not, I do actually post on non-angst threads hehe, I do have a sense of humour tucked away somewhere!!

Haha, you saw through my ingenious subtle name change . It was funny the other day because someone I had not previously interacted with (well, not to my knowledge), referred to me as Postingatlast in a thread, even through I had posted as Postingforawhilenow!

that's fab news about The Man. Remember all the worries you had about him at the start??!! You must be happy you let yourself dive in... gorgeous, intelligent, kind... is he perfect?!

Really, are there other subjects outside of this one???!! Don't tell me that or I'll never get out of bed! It's hard enough being addicted to "Relationships", I just can't allow myself to be tempted and look elsewhere

Hope it sorts itself out at home, I'm sure it will...

I know, it's dangerous looking at other topics, but I seem to be getting rather fond of the Chat section. Some of the threads on there are hilarious, nice if you want a bit of light relief!

Don't think new bloke is entirely perfect (phew), have seen him when he is not happy with someone (to do with work), I think you could say he doesn't suffer fools gladly!

Mum and I are fine again, I suppose I posted just to see how normal/abnormal the situation was, probably didn't get that across in the OP. Anyway, thanks for visiting my thread, nice to speak again, keep well!