Moving in with a friend

[Louise0923]

My relationship has recently ended after a long time with the person (and being engaged). He said he wont move out of our shared apartment as it is me initiating the split. I think this is a bit of a poor reason, as I sold my old home to move here for his job, and now I’m settled here, and he has another newer job which is now further than my current one.

My childhood friend has recently had a divorce and is renting a 3 bed detached (lots of space) with her two young children. She keeps offering for me to go and stay there for a while, even to give him some space to see if he’ll consider moving (he might realize he’d rather be closer to work or nearer his family/friends if I’m not there).

I kept turning it down, as I love our friendship and you always hear horror stories of people not getting on, and fall outs happening! However, she recently said she’s lonely and she’s not offering out of ‘being a good friend’ but that it would be nice to have company. It wouldn’t be forever, and if he won’t allow me to stay in our apartment I would get somewhere on my own.

Has anyone moved in with a friend before? Any positive stories or horror ones? We are very similar in our hobbies and likes/dislikes but are also fundamentally different in the fact she is laid back and I’m quite uptight!

Have you bought the house with your partner, or are you renting? If bought personally I would rather get it sold than walk out.
If you're renting and can easily walk away, personally I would take up the offer from your friend but I'd put a time limit on it and also talk through how you see it working in reality (in terms of things like would you be eating together/ spending time together or remaining more separate/independent). I think her having small children might make things harder for you all but it could work as a short term solution.
I've not shared a house with friends since my 20s, many years ago, when it was a completely normal way to live. I used to love living with friends :)

Ive lived with many friends. Mostly it’s been fine, some have been terrible! Had some great uni flatmates that I’m still friends with to this day.

My sibling kicked me out their flat while I was waiting for a tenancy to start in another city, so I moved into one friends kids bedroom for about 6 weeks in my early 30s (their kid moved out to another bedroom) it was massively kind of them and although we don’t keep in touch now it was nothing to do with me living there ( I think!) We did keep in touch for years after I moved out/relocated.

Another friend I rented her spare room out for 3 months. It was a lovely house and her toddler was so sweet. Her husband worked away mon-Friday but was around on the weekends and he seemed fine too. I had no issues living with them.

But I once signed a year long tenancy with a friend when we were in our late 20s and that was so toxic, just a few weeks into living with each other things went sour and it just kept getting worse . We went our separate ways at the end of the tenancy and never spoke again. I even had to delete both her and her little brother from my Facebook.

@Louise0923 when you say you’re uptight and she’s laidback - in what way? This could be a massive cause for conflict!

For instance the last friend I lived with was SO messy! Like dishes left in the blocked up sink for days and days with bits of food floating around. Lots of food debris and spills left over the worktop. Piled up trash. Food bits in the sofa etc and her constantly hogging the one sofa

I knew it was only temporary - 2 months -. so I just ignored it to keep the peace and preserve the friendship but if I’d had to live there for longer I’d have been resentful. It’s not as if I was there as a guest - I was paying rent and it wasn’t mates rates! I did feel she could’ve been more considerate.

Thank you for such a helpful response and including the positive experiences you have! I’m not worried about her being laid back but more me being uptight!!! I’m not a flexible person-but this in part because I have a very busy job, and if I don’t stick to a schedule, I wouldn’t have time for the basics such as food shopping & eating. I’m just a little concerned she’s wanting company and a friend, but I won’t really be able to take time out to be at home with her. When we meet, it’s usually when I’ve scheduled that time in on a weekend, week day me is very different, and I’m afraid of being blunt when I have to run off somewhere if that makes any sense? I just don’t want to ruin the friendship.

I think her wanting company and your busy schedule is a good reason not to move in.

She must be expecting you will have more free time than you do because it seems you won’t be spending more time with her than you already are. She might become disappointed or even resentful.

On the other hand, if you are able to provide the company she needs she will feel much more lonely when you move on.

Yes I think there’a a lot of gloom and doom about living with friends but many of us have positive experiences too!

Perhaps casually bring it up in a conversation and make it clear that you wouldn’t make great company in the week due to your busy schedule but say that you guys could at least catch up every weekend (even if briefly) and see how she responds?

When I lived with the friend who had a toddler I’d go days without seeing them as she lived about 2 hours from my workplace, I’d leave super early and get back late, especially if I stopped off at the supermarket.

She went to bed early with her toddler who slept in with her so she’d often be in her bedroom by the time I got back at 8pm or 9pm. We’d usually see each other in the kitchen briefly or catch up on a Sunday.’ I think it worked well!

Another thing is will you be paying any rent? I’d advise that you do. My friend with the toddler said I didn’t need to as her and her partner managed the mortgage fine and I was only planning to stay there for 6 months, but I insisted on paying from the outset. She wouldn’t accept the initial figure I suggested though -she said it was too high (!) but we did agree on a lower figure.

IME paying your way helps you go about your business as a regular flatmate more easily, because your friend will probably have less of an expectation that you provide company since you’re no longer just a guest. And it helps avoid any potential resentment forming on either side.

When my DD split with her ex she was left with a big house and not enough money. A friend she worked with had split from her DH and came to live with her. It all worked out brilliantly. There were no children involved though. Her friend now has a new partner and moved out. DD now has a lodger who was a stranger but they get on brilliantly too.