Is it odd for me to have had an honest and to be frank, open discussion with my x about stuff *after* we'd split up?

[LaComtesse]

We've broken up several times but this time it's for real and we spoke last night on the phone. For once, all the snide comments and one-up stuff was missing and I found myself able to speak frankly about past relationships I'd had (not in any way to have a dig at him) whereas before I'd hedged around and not told him stuff so he'd tried to drag information out of me. In turn, he'd managed to talk to other people about stuff I'd wanted him to months before and of course, it was no big deal then. But too late....

I find it a bit peculiar - if we'd managed to be as frank before, maybe we'd still be together. I don't know if we'll stay friends now but it's given me food for thought. And I thought I'd learnt about dating in my 20s!! Evidently we both had a lot to learn.

Many many relationships get flushed down the loo due to poor communication. It may be too late for this one, but if you can remember this lesson and communicate well, the next relationship you have may well be great! Good luck.

Lack of communication = lack of relationship, in my opinion. What a shame it happened all too late though, LC. Life's weird sometimes.

in the aftermath of my split from my partner of 14 years he talked and was more open than he'd ever been. The total lack of communication was a big factor in our break-up......but he has since gone back to his old ways which makes me realise i was right to end the relationship.

I'm now in a new relationship and we talk about everything....i refuse to ever let myself get stuck in another relationship where i know something is wrong with my partner but he won't bloody well talk to me......i'd rather be on my own than live like that again.

am now very good friends with one of my ex but at the time when we kept splitting up there was nothing civil about it, on either side

things change and feelings move on, my ex says I'm a better friend than I ever was a girlfriend and I tend to agree in terms of that relationship

sometimes things are just meant to be different between two people and if you're being civil now there is nothing wrong with that

I think that once the pressure is off in the relationship then it paves the way for better communication.

Hopefully this will allow you both to salvage something and remain on good terms.

Well we're going to leave it for a while before attempting more in-depth conversations but it's certainly a weight off my shoulders. I think I was too worried to confide certain things in him in case he thought badly of me, silly of me really.

Still feel a bit sad it had to come to this before we were able to talk honestly .

I think sometimes it is easier to be completely open and honest once you're no longer emotionally connected with someone and the pressure is off. If there is nothing to loose it's easier to be completely honest isn't it!

I don't think it's odd to have had this, it certainly isn't necessary after every split, but sometimes it can help both parties move on more easily and with less bitter thoughts etc.

Is it really too late......?

H announced 2 weeks ago that he doesn't love me anymore and is leaving, he has unburdened more in the past 2 weeks than in years.
TBH despite feeling desperately hurt, wondering what the last 16 years have been about and worrying about the future for myself and my boys I still love him and feel very worried about him - I was (and he says still am) his best friend, and he has no one to unload onto. I am trying to persuade him to go to Relate (or similar), not necessarily for us to continue, but to allow him to work through his feelings.

I definitely didn't learn about dating in my 20's (having been with H since we were both 19), but I did think we were both there for each other - seems I was very wrong.

I thought I didn't love my DH 4 years ago. TBH I still feel so guilty for what I put him through but we are still together and I am sure always will be. I hope you can have the same result, if it is what you want.

We attended an initial Relate session a few weeks ago (we'd have been together 2 years this year so we thought it was worth a shot) but the waiting list for counselling proper is something like 10-12 weeks. It wasn't what we envisaged but even that is worth it if only to establish what issues you want to
thrash out .

Hmm, that sounds hopeful 3Nab but we'll have to see.

sounds hopeful for you!
H initially wouldn't even consider councelling, now I am fairly sure he won't go, but I am trying to persuade him. He can apparently get something through work which hopefully wouldn't have the same waiting list.
He is definite about moving out though and we have told ds1.
Am still in shock really, and despite it all would do anything to work it out. But am yo-yo'ing between that and wishing he would go asap (if he is going) so I can try to start building a life for the boys and myself.

Sorry to hear that Squirrels.

I'd go to counselling on your own if your DH won't go CS. It would still help you sort things out in your own mind and you never know, your DH might decide to join you. All is not yet lost .

As far as I know, we're still on the waiting list but I don't know what will we'll do if/when we reach the top of it. Another bridge to be crossed at that point. For now, we're keeping away from each other to let the dust settle. I was comforted by our sudden civility though.

why do past relationships matter so much between the two of you?

They don't really - it was just something that came up apropos of nothing .

The past is exactly that, it's gone! Time to move forward. Don't waste energy arguing/stressing about the past.