Should I tell DS about DH's mental health struggles?

[Bluetoadstool]

Not quite sure what to do.

Have just separated from DH of 20 years. It was my decision, and a big part of it was due to DH's mental health over the years. He always been up and down, very anxious and depressed, and the last few years he had a mental breakdown, left his job and spent all day all home just on the sofa playing his xbox. He has been on antidepressants for years, and seen many counsellors and even a psychiatrist. The last few years at home he was disengaged with me and the dc, was angry, irritable and cold. My ds (now aged 16) sobbed to me a few times about how DH was, and how he thought he was narcissistic and didn't ever do anything unless it was for himself. My ds actually said to me "Why did he have a family and get a house and garden if he just wanted to do his own things all the time?"

Now we have separated my DH seems less stressed (he's in a rental place so no responsibility, and sees the dc at weekends). I feel he is in the role of a "friend" to the dc, he likes going on walks with them or watching TV with them.

But I'm worried about ds15. He initially seemed ok when we separated but now seems angry and spends most of the day in his room. He has GCSEs coming up and has done no revision and says he doesn't want to go to sixth form. He is bright (was predicted 7-9s) and I feel heartbroken he's throwing it all away. He is now saying he can't wait to move out of home, even though I try to make it a calm, fun environment with me and dd13. I know dads are important at every age but I'm thinking especially at this age, the son probably looks to the dad as a role model. And I know DH is not the worst, but how he has been was very difficult for us, and now he just spends the day pottering around on his own, no job, no direction or focus, basically living like a single guy in his twenties- surely that must be having an effect on ds?

When DH and I told the dc we were separating we kept it very simple and just said that we wanted to live in different ways but were still friends, and our priority would always be the children etc.

I'm just wondering if I should talk to DS about DH's mental health struggles. I've never told him about it as i didn't think it was appropriate for him to know. But I'm now thinking that might help him to make sense of the situation otherwise it's probably very confusing to him why DH is like this. Or would knowing about DH's mental health add to ds's problems? Any advice welcome!

It sounds like your DS has his own struggles.

Fathers who don't like family life and don't engage can make children feel like they are not enough, and that if they were "better" then maybe their dad would have liked them,

I wouldn't burden your DS with information about his dad's difficulties, he needs support for his difficulties right now.

I suspect that he feels unvalued and not good enough which is probably feeding behind the decisions to not revise and him not wanting to go to sixth form.

Tell him he is loved by you. Tell him that you are proud of him and the difficulties he has overcome.

At 15 I think he’s old enough to know something was going on, and old enough to understand.

I think maybe taking it a practical way too - showing how much rent/food/bills are and how you and dad are paying for everything etc and showing the earning potential of different education levels (of course there are many exceptions to this but as a “general” rule of thumb it’s useful.)

From a similar experience, yes definitely talk about it. He probably knows, but being treated like a young adult and discussing it with him in a factual, non judgemental way without blame might help him process his relationship with both of you, and give him clarity on aspects of his parents marriage. Kids often blame themselves for divorce, this might help him with that. Think about what you want to achieve by talking about it, and don't go in too heavy, maybe broach the subject and see if he wants to talk. You'll probably end up having several conversations over time rather than one big one which would be easier to digest. As I said, he likely knows but may not have words for it or might feel disloyal having those thoughts. Help him to understand that depression is an illness, that there is no blame, but it does limit what his Dad can do. I hope that helps, and I hope talking to him helps your family.

Absolutely I would talk to all your dcs about their father's mental health problems. Surely it's better for them to know this is the reason for their father's detachment, and not just that he can't be bothered with them.

I don't understand how you could have your ds sobbing about his father's apparent indifference and not give him the reason.

Your poor DS - sounds like he's having a hard time at the moment. His GCSEs start in 5 weeks so I'm not sure that now is the right time for heavy conversations, but I would make it clear that I'm always here to talk about anything he likes. Teens say stuff they don't mean so hopefully he will change his mind about going to sixth form.

I also think it's very important for him to understand that he is not responsible for his father being happy. It's not his job to make him happy. If he understands his Dad's MH struggles, that might help put that in perspective for him. Reasure him that both you and his Dad love him very much. His Dad might not be able to give him that reassurance at the moment, but if you believe he loves his son, it might benefit them both if you facilitate their relationship whilst they are both struggling. Which I know is shit for you to have to take that burden, you are separated and it would be easy for you to not want to help your ex, but ultimately anything that helps your son is a good thing. So helping them have a good relationship is helping your son and ultimately helping you too.

I would say, yes, absolutely.

It may alleviate a lot of his worries and answer a lot of questions he has been having about his dad.

There is nothing to be gained from hiding it. Age appropriate explanation and the reassurance to ask you if he has any questions and come to you with any worries.

An open invitation to talk about it whenever needed is always better than trying to hide something and your child knowing there's something not quite right but being kept in the dark and confused.

BTW. All your children are old enough to be included in this conversation.

Hiding it just increases the stigma for your exDH and the confusion for your children.

I would try and find your DS some therapy so he has a place to unburden and process his feelings. From his perception, his dad gave up when life was tough, so why shouldn't he? I'd also make it clear that there are lots of possible positive futures for him and that if his GCSEs don't go so well, you'll help him find the path to move forward (retakes at college, etc). Taking some of the pressure off can paradoxically help kids get back on track.

It sounds as if you and he have a great relationship and that he's started talking to you already. But I think a therapist could really help you here because he may also be struggling to fully process what happened as teens in his situation can end up feeling responsible for not further hurting the parent they're best attached to. He may also be fearful of driving his dad further away.

Re the mental health struggles, I agree with PP who said to discuss it. My own personal experience of being a teen with a depressed parent was that I internalised it all. I actually have no memory of the depressed parent at that time, just of how much I hated myself. It was only when I learned about that period of their life when I was an adult that things made sense to me. I adore my parents and don't blame them for their mistake in not being honest, they were doing what they thought best. But it's been really hard to undo.

I think you should get your DS some therapy first, because he needs immediate support. Then when he has a good relationship with his therapist, arrange some co-counselling so you can discuss it together.
At the moment you have no idea how the information will affect him.