Need support in ending a relationship with an avoidant man

[AvoidantRecovery]

I am a regular poster but have name changed for this.
I feel crap.
Been in this relationship for over 5 ( me 56, him 62) years and I have been ignoring the red flags over and over.
I was with an abusive ex for 10 years and was on my own for 5 years with young children when I met current DP.
He seemed the complete opposite of ex. A quiet and gentle man- no violence or nasty words. He gave me cuddles, bought me little gifts, held my hand- made me feel special and loved. After about 6 months things slowly started to change. Sex became less frequent, passion subsided, non physical intimacy started to tail off etc. There was future faking going on for sure. He told me that he would move in with me,( with both own houses). It was a lie, he never wanted that.

I have always known the truth I think, but was so desperate not to be alone
We have had many conversations about what is happening, especially over the last 6 months, many arguments too.
He is finally having counselling.
I know though that he is physically and emotionally unavailable and probably always has been. he has never been married or had a relationship longer than 5 years- lived with someone briefly once.

My self esteem has been plummeting and last night I told him that he was not in a position to be in a relationship. I had a shit sleep with horrible rejection and abandonment dreams.
It's alot of small things, the withdrawal, like death by a thousand paper cuts. The complete lack of non sexual intimacy, lack of any compliments, too tired to go out and do anything and I mean anything.

He pours himself into his work. He has been booking in sunday shifts( he doesn't need to, he says he likes the money) without talking about it with me, we hardly see each other during the week and the weekend is basically what we have. Now it is often just one day.

I work in a school but he now never manages to get his holiday to tie in with mine, so we never go away any more.

All the messages he is sending is that he is trying to pull away and minimise contact . When I talk about this with him he vehemently maintains that he wants to be with me and wants to fight for the relationship and change things up, but continues to do the things he knows I find hurtful, nothing changes .

When I ask him what he needs to be feel safe, what I could do for him he says he doesn't know, so I am flying blind, knowing that I must be doing things that annoy him, but he won't ever tell me.
I am just looking for support really from other women who are with, or have been with an avoidant/ unavailable man.
I have nearly finished Mr unavailable and the Fallback girl and that is really hitting home.
I am also have counselling again.
I just want to feel that I am not alone in all of this because it feels so frightened, lonely and alone

Following with interest

Sounds very familiar, especially the texting part as it’s so easy to hide behind a phone

@Newbeginning12 can you say more about the leaving triggering an MH crisis? That is ringing very true for me.

It sounds like he wants you as a close friend... and he might not want to be in an actual relationship with anyone.

"Also I feel embarrassed to list all the ways that the relationship is not ok"

MAKE THE LIST.

Get it out of your head and onto paper (so to speak). It might just help you sort your head out and decide how to move forward.

what you need to ask is “what is he doing for me” if the answer is “nothing” why you there?

why would you want to be with someone that makes you feel poop? Relationship anxiety is the worst. Taking the step to end it will be hard, but you can then start to move on.

Hi it’s awful, I’m battling through things at the moment trying to prevent a MH crisis using the tools I have but basically it shows up as extreme anxiety, heart racing, up in the night with a feeling like someone has punched you in the gut , depression being basically unable to function. For me it’s the worst feeling ever. I knew I should have finished this ‘relationship’ earlier due to his lack of interest but didn’t have the guts to do it because of this abandonment syndrome I have. I’m sure this started in childhood as I have both a very emotionally distant mother and father

The good thing about avoidant is when you pull away , they don’t chase . They sadly accept it

look id rather be single than have the anxiety of being with an avoidant man
for some reason it wrecked me and made me even more anxious

I’m assuming you are scared of losing the little he gives you and being lonely ?
just push through and stay single after

this is misery ,life is too short and he won’t change

end it and then go no contact and you will need to tough it out c

And op get some mental health support

you don’t have to live with this level of anxiety

pills and therapy will help
onwards you are NOT alone

I don’t know for sure because I haven’t read around the subject, but I suspect avoidant behaviour is linked to a need to be in control.

In your case op, the clue is how he behaves when you are in his home; treating you like a guest etc. In those instances, he is dictating :

• how he shows affection (acts of service instead of intimacy) and on what terms

-when he shows it -and where -and for how long (limited duration) .

It’s play acting at a relationship isn’t it?

He has either been in a situation in the past where opening up felt intrusive because he felt controlled (parent) or he is afraid of how he feels when he does open up and of not being able to handle it (because he’s depressed or distressed in some way).

He’s allowed to be in an emotional state over the abuse that went on in his school. But if he wants a proper relationship; he needs to face and deal with it if he can.

If he’s working in NHS admin, no wonder he feels stressed!

He doesn’t sound like a bad man to me. Just someone who is perhaps emotionally unaware and damaged. That’s not necessarily his fault but he should have been more honest, with himself and with you.

Also, op, said very gently, but I think you may find it helpful to look at why you fear being on your own so much. Why is the prospect of living alone so terrifying for you?

Also, it may be that you unconsciously sought someone who was emotionally unavailable at a time in your life when you were recovering from an abusive relationship because they seemed “safe” and, now that you have recovered somewhat, that isn’t enough for you?

If you have decided to go ahead and leave him then I think it can be relatively straightforward. Have an honest conversation and then block contact. You do not need permission to act otherwise you are in danger of being all talk no action too. And have therapy sessions in place plus the support of family and friends for when you do.

As you say, him continuing to carry on with behaviour that causes you distress is a form of gaslighting. Alternatively he may not know how to behave differently or it feels too scary for him. Either way, you can’t fix it. Better to feel more in control yourself and part ways.

Thank you all so much for your support. It has really really helped.
Those who are saying to be careful about ending suddenly due to abandonment/MH issues are, I think correct.
Since I started this thread I have definitely been focusing on myself and not the health/ bad health of the relationship.
The state of the relationship is now not a reflection of me, if that makes sense. I am not desperately trying to make it something it is not, not turn him into some kind of rescuer.
I think I knew from the start that he was unavailable, but I kept kidding myself that I could change things.
I know this is typical behaviour, but I was terrified that if I didn't drive things they would stop and my fantasy relationship would come crashing down.
I feel much more peaceful about it all and am finding comfort in the knowledge that I can turn my attention elsewhere, cultivate new friends and get out and about more.
I have started wearing make up again and am bothering about how I look. I am doing it for me. I don't see him most of the time anyway, is it's not for him. I feel much better for these small acts of self care.
I am not interested in find out when we are seeing each other next, I really could not care less at the moment. Last week it would have bothered me hugely.
Since he has now started working on sunday's as well ,I hardly see him anyway.
It's emotional crutch for me at the moment, but as I start to let go it will be much easier to let it all go without a crisis ensuing.

I asked about the MH crisis thing because my relationship with an emotionally avoidant/unavailable man ended suddenly last November and the 4 months that followed I had the most distressing MH breakdown/period of burnout I've ever experienced. I linked it to other aspects of my life at first but it's clear now that it was his total withdrawal that started me spiralling.
Withdraw gradually and look after yourself, op. They just aren't worth our time, energy, headspace or love. I am working on being alone and not feeling awful about it.

I am really interested in this. I also have an avoidant and when I did try to break up with him it caused a terrible MH spiral. I couldn’t work out why. We’re back together now. Everything on this thread is very true.

Hi just wondering what you do when he messages? Do you reply? I’m in a very similar situation (albeit less messages) but don’t know what to do about replying. At the moment there’s long gaps in replying but then I do eventually

Build up a life without him in the centre OP. Fill up your evenings with friends and new hobbies. Then gradually start filling up your weekends. You won’t feel half as lonely as you think. Probably far less lonely than you do saving weekends for a man who doesn’t reciprocate and who probably won’t even notice you’re fading him out.

💐

He phoned last night and said he was coming over but would have to get up extra early to do extra work stuff ( he doesn’t have to do this stuff- he likes to be the hero at work and help people out). I am on holiday atm and didn’t want to be woken up early.
I told him not to come. I told him having grown up with a mother who always put everybody and everything before time with me that I felt triggered by the way he was behaving.
it wasn’t an argument at all though. I just needed to start putting boundaries in place and stop abandoning my own needs .
He seemed surprised and said that he was offering to come over like I wanted him to. We had a long conversation and I was very open that his avoidance and unavailability were not good for me.
His slow withdrawal actually makes it easier to emotionally break away. I am already doing so much by myself anyway. Can’t miss what wasn’t there in the first place.

@Rememberthereasonswhy you are absolutely spot on. He does indeed dictate the terms . I have always felt this. I am compartmentalised. He does this with all of his life . Things are put in metaphorical boxes.
he is not a bad man, but he is a very damaged one.
He has started therapy and I hope that will begin to help him. He is aware that this relationship is going the way of all his others. It is not my job to rescue and fix.