Need support in ending a relationship with an avoidant man

[AvoidantRecovery]

I am a regular poster but have name changed for this.
I feel crap.
Been in this relationship for over 5 ( me 56, him 62) years and I have been ignoring the red flags over and over.
I was with an abusive ex for 10 years and was on my own for 5 years with young children when I met current DP.
He seemed the complete opposite of ex. A quiet and gentle man- no violence or nasty words. He gave me cuddles, bought me little gifts, held my hand- made me feel special and loved. After about 6 months things slowly started to change. Sex became less frequent, passion subsided, non physical intimacy started to tail off etc. There was future faking going on for sure. He told me that he would move in with me,( with both own houses). It was a lie, he never wanted that.

I have always known the truth I think, but was so desperate not to be alone
We have had many conversations about what is happening, especially over the last 6 months, many arguments too.
He is finally having counselling.
I know though that he is physically and emotionally unavailable and probably always has been. he has never been married or had a relationship longer than 5 years- lived with someone briefly once.

My self esteem has been plummeting and last night I told him that he was not in a position to be in a relationship. I had a shit sleep with horrible rejection and abandonment dreams.
It's alot of small things, the withdrawal, like death by a thousand paper cuts. The complete lack of non sexual intimacy, lack of any compliments, too tired to go out and do anything and I mean anything.

He pours himself into his work. He has been booking in sunday shifts( he doesn't need to, he says he likes the money) without talking about it with me, we hardly see each other during the week and the weekend is basically what we have. Now it is often just one day.

I work in a school but he now never manages to get his holiday to tie in with mine, so we never go away any more.

All the messages he is sending is that he is trying to pull away and minimise contact . When I talk about this with him he vehemently maintains that he wants to be with me and wants to fight for the relationship and change things up, but continues to do the things he knows I find hurtful, nothing changes .

When I ask him what he needs to be feel safe, what I could do for him he says he doesn't know, so I am flying blind, knowing that I must be doing things that annoy him, but he won't ever tell me.
I am just looking for support really from other women who are with, or have been with an avoidant/ unavailable man.
I have nearly finished Mr unavailable and the Fallback girl and that is really hitting home.
I am also have counselling again.
I just want to feel that I am not alone in all of this because it feels so frightened, lonely and alone

Also I feel embarrassed to list all the ways that the relationship is not ok and what I have been prepared to put up with.
My mum was a narc and I was always told that I was needy so I have never trusted myself and believed that any wants I had were selfish.

As you don't live together you can end this by simply stopping contacting him again. Be absolutely scrupulous in not getting in touch in any way. You will never hear from him again. Job done.

Firstly, having needs is not selfish. It’s just being human and alive.

Honestly, having been in the same position I think the thing to do is to do it in small steps. This may end up putting a stop to things gradually or a stop to things quickly.

What matters is that you start putting yourself first (rather than breaking from him but then getting into another situation where you put the other person first or the relationship first).

Basically, stop explaining yourself and just move differently. You do not need his permission or understanding about anything.

By this I mean stop centering him and stop centering the relationship. Start centering yourself. Make your thoughts around what do you need/want? What are you not prepared to do?

And just switch to prioritising yourself, considering yourself. Do what is best for yourself. That is what will stop the cycle.

I’m pretty sure that fairly quickly you will find that you realise that what is best for you is not to have him around anymore. And by looking after yourself better and thinking of yourself as central you will be strong enough to do it.

That book is excellent, OP.
I would also do my own thing, with or without him. Soon you'll find yourself having more fun without him and it'll just tail off anyway.

Ed to say I'm the same age as you, and have been in similar relationship

I am so sorry, it can be really hard to be in a relationship once the rose tinted glasses are off.

You mentioned you now only have one day a week together - who starts the conversation off regarding meeting, or planning what to do? If it's always you asking then try not to message and see if he bothers to contact you.

I really appreciate you all replying. I am in bits and feel physically sick.
He constantly texts and phones , morning texts, when at work, when he gets back, phones again in the evening. We might see each other once or twice in the week, normally because I ask when we will be seeing each other. Up until recently I have been spending 4 nights over the week/weekend with him, mostly at his. We live in the same town.. He has been reducing the time we spend together, usually citing work stress. He works as admin at the local hospital.
However, the quality of of the time we do see each other is not good. Usually we sit drinking too much wine. There is no cuddling.
Increasingly he has his back to me when we do share a bed, hardly any cuddling there any more either.
He gives out all the signals of a man who wants out. He appears bored and disinterested when he is with me, but constantly contacts me, like he needs to touch base, but doesn't actually want a relationship.

Look in to your future OP , will he change ? No . Do you enjoy this life ? No . In another 6 years will you look back and kick yourself for not drawing a line now ? Most definitely! Pull off that plaster . Allow yourself a wallow then go out and do what makes you happy , connect with friends and family, I bet they will congratulate you on losing the wet blanket! Good luck , a new life awaits x

You deserve better @AvoidantRecovery

So he's all words and no action? He doesn't want you but he's not letting you find someone who does. Out of curiosity when you go over to his do you do any cleaning or cooking?

It sounds as though it's over but neither of you are willing to say it so you either limp along grabbing at whatever crumbs he offers or you say no, I'm worth more, it's over. And you are worth more.

WhenI am at his he does all the cooking, washing up, does my washing etc- mostly treats me as a wanted visitor in that he constant checks whether I need anything.
But, he won't snuggle with me, give me a hug, barely touches me.
I am terrified of being alone.
I am terrified of this being as good as I can get.
@WeirdIsPartOfTheJob you are absolutely right about moving my focus, my attention to making the relationship a sideline and pushing myself and my needs to centre stage.
I am starting to do things on my own again, seeing friends, going out.
My self esteem is so in the floor that i don't believe that anyone would actually want my company so I push people away. I stopped bothering wearing nice clothes and putting make up on for example. He would never appear to notice if I made an effort so I just stopped. It was all focused on him and the relationship. I lost all value.

He’s not behaving like a man who wants out. He’s behaving as an avoidant person who wants increasing amounts of attention and investment from you while decreasing the amount of attention and investment he gives you.

It’s going to be nothing but increasingly exploitative and miserable for you.

He’ll give you just enough attention via things like text and phone to keep you on the hook. He does that not because he wants you but he wants to feel secure in his ability to have power over you and keep you doting on him and dancing to attention.

He is deeply screwed up and needs professional help. He will just make you increasingly anxious and also increasingly avoidant.

He will chase you if he thinks he is going to lose you, but as soon as he thinks he has you back he will go back to his old ways, only even more so to prove to himself that he can get a good return on his “investment” of time and attention to get you back.

That part of the dynamic is why I say start centering yourself and not him and the relationship. Any big confrontation or sudden ghosting by you will only trigger his insecurities leading to a big show to get you back.

From the way you are writing about his situation and yourself I’m not sure if you would be strong enough to withstand that kind of onslaught. And then the cycle just starts again with the ante increased.

So work on yourself, look after yourself better, centre yourself. This will make you stronger and able either to just slip away or to make a clean break, whichever way suits you best.

A few more things to mention.

It is not your duty to fix him.

His going to counselling will only help him if he does it for himself. As a gesture to “fix” your relationship he will not commit to it and it won’t work.

To be honest, avoidant tendencies are really hard to alter, even with wholehearted and consistent effort. In a man of his age and history the patterns will be really deep rooted. There is no point in waiting round or hoping for a happy ending in this.

You do need to take charge of the situation. The only thing that will make you feel better about this whole situation is using it to love yourself more and having the strength to end it.

If he ends it, your relationship to yourself will only get worse.

The person in this situation who needs to start choosing you is you. You need to choose yourself. That is what will help you.

We get what we settle for.

@AvoidantRecovery my last post cross posted with yours.

Glad to hear you are going in the right direction. Keep choosing yourself.

@WeirdIsPartOfTheJob You are very wise and absolutely spot on.
I love this that you said "The person I this situation who needs to start choosing you is you. You need to choose yourself. That is what will help you."
I am not making excuses for him and am no longer interested in being his counsellor. He was dumped in boarding school age 9, without being told before hand. At one of his schools he says he was dorm prefect, responsible for keeping younger boys in order. This involved him sending any miscreants to the dorm master. The dorm master slept ay the end of the dorm and was a well known kiddy fiddler.
He says he feels enormous rage and guilt for having sent the boys to that man. When he told me this I realised what an absolute mess he really is emotionally.

His intimacy in bed is limited- no oral, give or recieve- no body kissing. I put up with a whole year of not even having my sexual needs seen to.
A whole year.
Until I told him that it wasn't right. He agreed.
I feel ashamed that I let that happen. I was, however, desperate to be loved, anyway I could get it.
I am a sad fuck.

You say no to a half-baked relationship.
You spend time with your friends and let's yourself be available to new experiences.
I would rather be alone than in a crap relationship, start dating, dress how you like, and be as you are.
He is not putting in an effort.
Put it down to an experience of a type of relationship that does not work for you.
Older men have a set mindset and expectation of how and what we should be.
Find the happiness and bond you want and deserve.
Ps, It will not change.
Block!
He's a bore.

@AvoidantRecovery You’re not a sad fuck. You’re just worn down.

One of the things that makes anxious attachment people have such a bad relationship with themselves (so low self-esteem etc) is pretty simple.

The thing you fear most is not being abandoned by the person you are in a relationship with. It is the self-abandonment you practice whenever you choose that person’s needs over your own in the interest of maintaining the relationship.

The more you choose yourself, the less anxious you become. And then the situation becomes more in your control and the other person has less power over you.

What has happened in his past is horrible. He is right to seek professional help over that. That is not your role.

The only person who can really do anything about your desperation to be loved is yourself. Choose yourself. Love yourself. Centre yourself.

Thank you all.
i believed because he was the polar opposite to me ex that he wouldn’t come with soul destroying baggage.
my late narc mother used to make me feel bad for having needs. Here is that dynamic playing out all over again. Someone telling me they are giving me something that they are not giving and making me feel at fault for wanting it.

You've had enormous patience and love for a man who hasn't been able to meet your needs, and when things have become too much, you have bravely told him, and then come to a place where you can get support in a safe way.

Where is the sad fuck, here? I don't see her.

Lots of wisdom on this thread-do many of us have been in similar situations.
I still crave my avoidant man but time has helped and doing things I like with people I like and I would now recognise this behaviour and think I could refuse to accept it.

Sorry to hear you're not happy. What OnGoldenPond said is absolute correct. I know because that was my situation 2 months ago. After 4.5 years together a big fat nothing!
On the positive I now feel so much happier, have a more positive outlook, & definitely don't miss wrestling with how I felt because "He's a nice man" and not abusive.
I think once you decide to leave & have settled into a more settled routine ( not too hard when you feel like you've begged for every hour together) you will find energised.
Good luck 🍀

OP stop whipping yourself man, this isn't your fault. You've just got an unsubtle man attached to you. There's nothing wrong with you.

It doesn't work, rip off the plaster. Don't answer to any of his calls or messages for a few days and then end it properly. The longer it goes on, the more of your life you're going to use up miserable.

Thank you so much everyone. You have all been so helpful. When I few myself emotionally turning my focus on him I am trying to redivert my focus on to me. I shall keep doing this over and over.🙂

That’s what I have struggled with ‘he’s a nice man and not abusive’ however I do believe deliberately keeping on with behaviours that he has been told cause distress and denting he is doing it is very unkind and a form of gaslighting. I have been has lit to within and inch of my life since I was little. I am very alert to it. I recognise the dissonance immediately.

This thread has been helpful to me too, so thanks everyone x

OP, my advice would be to work on the abandonment issues so you can leave him without triggering a MH crisis (which I have experienced in the past with similar situations ) There’s quite a lot of support online regarding abandonment issues (google nicabm.com and abandonment issues). Leave him to it and pump the time into yourself instead