How do you not feel resentful of a man that left you with young kids and started up a new life with his affair partner on holiday and all his free leisure time?

[amethystrainbow]

I’m struggling this week. It does not help that it’s the Easter holidays and I’m exhausted and ex is not about to help a single day. In fact he has not been around for a month. How do you let it go?

I know it’s not healthy to be this resentful but what I would give to be resting in some sunshine with a book. I feel constantly burnt out. Life feels really unfair.

I am stuck in this cycle of exhaustion while their dad just turns up after weeks away and gets to be mr happy and fun who brings gifts 🙁

My take was..

• to know as little as possible, even steering the kids away from sharing information about ExDH’s life
• took great delight in spending all the time I could with my kids, he was the one missing out
• emphasised to the kids that time is the most precious thing you can give. ExDH would lavish them with expensive gift but had no time for them.

Don’t let him see the kids until you have a proper arrangement in place. One that allows you to have nights and days to yourself to recover and do things you enjoy! It sounds like this is all quite new and on top of the exhaustion I’m sure emotionally it must be very very hard! Get some legal advice and a consent order in place ( you don’t have to go to court). My ex H and I have this in place and although there is some flexibility in place ( for the sake of kids), there is days stipulated and agree to. This man seems to be taking the utter piss!

I posted similar and got told I was lucky he doesn't bother, I chose to have kids apparently so should suck it and feel lucky I get to spend every day with them!! Only my ex hasn't seen them in a year!

Agree with above. Not my situation at all and I can appreciate how exhausting it is (my DP used to work away long periods) but I would prefer to get the most time with the kids. Hope you can manage to find a way to have a break soon

Because I didn’t want that life. I didn’t want to not be around for the day to day chaos of parenting. Because I knew that one day our children would be grown and he’d be the one that missed out. That no amount of freedom and holidays and whatever could ever be better than birthdays and bedtime stories and lifts to hobbies and other activities.

And I knew that one day our children would realise what kind of a man and father he is. Just as they know what kind of woman and mother I am. And he is not the winner here, at all. So why would I ever envy him?

Unfortunately it is the long game in these situations.
The kids will understand this one day when they are grown and reflect on their childhood.
It sucks right now, but you’re the “there when it counts” parent. It will be reflected in your relationship with them when they are fully grown, and it will be reflected in your relationship with any grandchildren too.
You just have to keep plugging away and eventually you’ll see it was all worth it.

op sorry if this is stating the bloody obvious and you’ve tried this, BUT have you actually said to him

‘I’m exhausted. Is there a long weekend or few days coming up you can take care of the kids for x nights in a row, I need to recharge a bit so I’m at my best for them if you can commit to some days I can plan some proper rest in?’ He might jump at the chance, might ignore you (if he does ignore you send the screenshot to his mum maybe she’ll offer)

Sorry you’ve had such uncaring comments, Mint. The last thing you need when you’re struggling.

Anger and resentment are absolutely natural when a man abandons his partner and children. They don’t help, but you’d be a saint if you didn’t have those natural reactions.

Good advice above from PPs. Try to think of your shitty ex as little as possible — instead focus on what you need to do and on being happy with DC.

Your DC will know, as they grow up, who was always there for them, who they could rely on, who actually brought them up.

Meanwhile I hope you can get some time for yourself and build happy memories with DC.

To be honest, that's just unlucky, theres nothing you can do.

Focus on yourself, time heals.

Thanks, this was on the lone parents board no less, I don't think anyone has children with the intention of raising them alone so nothing lucky about it.

I have posted more or less this exact post a few times over the years. Sometimes I would be kept awake by the rage at the injustice. At times it was unbearably hard for me to raise my DC, he purposefully made it harder and he went self employed to avoid CM.

Kind posters would tell me that one day he would reap what he has sown and they were right. My DDs are teens now and can’t be bothered with him, we all have a good laugh about how predictable he is. He’s in sporadic WhatsApp contact, usually begging them to go for dinner with him and they delight in leaving him on read. They only bother with him for money.

I also got my revenge. After a ten year battle in which I was a LIP against his aggressive solicitor during two concurrent court cases, I ended up with all the proceeds of the house sale including his diminished share after all his creditors took their bit. He had to agree to paying all the CM from his share before I would release it to him. He got only £5k in the end. At this time we agreed to bury the hatchet for the girls and we all went out for dinner to help get their relationship back on track. I’d recently lost a lot of weight and on the way in to the restaurant, a young woman was really staring at me and said ‘I thought she was famous’ after I passed so I was feeling really confident. I just knew, that for a moment at least, he had a taste of what he could have had had he not thrown it all away for multiple OW and he felt some regret.

It’s sad for the girls of course and it’s definitely had an effect on us all but if I have helped them avoid choosing someone like him for themselves, then it was worth it. So a justice of sorts and I don’t rage at all now. Give it time OP.

I totally get it!
And my situation is different, ExH left and I later found out there was an OW...

We share custody and he does have the kids with him (and shitty OW).
So I do get a break.

ExH is currently ob a 9 day holiday with OW, I have DDs with me plus work and household and all and I'm absolutely exhausted and feel soooo resentful of him.

So, long story short, you have every right yo feel the way you do.

And yes, it's lovely to get to spend time with DC but it's also incredibly hard and you never get any breaks so please know that it's ok that you're not enjoying every minute!

It sucks and its totally unfair and I feel for you!

Take care xxx

Take comfort from the positives -

You don't have to live with him
You get to spend time with your children
You're not an uncaring twat
You don't have to live with him

I think anyone would be pissed off and resentful in this situation. It's a total normal response.

You definitively need to know as little as possible. However you are getting information about your ex, cut it off to the bare minimum. Maximise time and communication with people who make you feel good. Even if it's a book or TV.

Mine moved abroad leaving me with young children and needing to rebuild a career
it’s been absolutely relentless and you have my empathy because there is no downtime .
and then suddenly there is as they get older and more independent and become people not children .
whoever said it’s a long game was right .
It won’t help today’s exhaustion but hold on to your pride and self worth for now .

My two were older, 10&14, so I wasn't as exhausted. However my ex never had the joy of being with his children through good times and bad; being there for them; sharing in their life as they became adults. He once sobbed down the phone at me that he had lost his son. Well, yes, he did. He buggered off with a woman who was seriously screwed up and expected his 14 year old to play families with her. So, no matter how glossy his life may be, I know the reality. Try to ignore his social media as it will fuel your rage and won't do you any good

I also agree with getting a schedule in place for care. My Ex claimed ‘family life is not for me!” when he moved onto his OW.

Stick to the agreed schedule. Hold him to account.

My ExDH always seemed to have something better to do, OW had left her own DC’s too, so I knew they wouldn’t really want to be responsible regularly for ours.

But I made sure they were.
Busy? What are your child care arrangements?
Can’t pick the kids up from school? Have you contacted and paid for WRAC?
Late for pick up (half an hour or more) sorry we have gone out, we are not wasting our day sitting around looking out for you.

He once said “no one is going to tell me when I can see my own children” Andi said “but if we can't sort it out, then a judge will”.

My Ex hated the routine, commitment, responsibility more than being married to me…😂

i have woken up to all your very helpful and amazing messages and I already feel more positive today.

Unfortunately due to the nature of his job where he is in and out of the country, he has the perfect excuse to hide behind regarding child arrangements. So there is zero consistency at all on that front and I doubt there ever will be.

Yeah, and obviously a responsible parent would not be taking/would change that job if the circumstances required it.

I mean wouldn't we all like to be free in that way?

So that can be ignored. It's a him problem not a you problem. You offer the contact and make the kids available at the agreed times/dates. You keep records. You play the long game.

I haven't got personal experience of this but I saw a friend go through it. The contact finally stopped (at the child's request) when she was mod teens.

I absolutely was resentful. My ex left and only saw my DS once. He planned to see him once more but didn't turn up. In the meantime he was swanning around having relationships and holidays. But I know he ended up miserable at 50 living with his elderly DM in an awful area and broke. Good.

My DS recognises and appreciates I was the one who did everything.

It’s really fucking hard but ultimately you will always know you did the right thing for your kids. They will grow up and things will get less tiring. Hang in there

My EX is like this. He moved in with OW when we split but kept it hidden and didnt tell anyone, took me 2 weeks to work it out - idiot.

But he used to see DD then he found out i had met someone and stopped seeing her so i couldnt spend time with my DP. Luckily my parents helped so i could stay over at his house without DD knowing where i was.