aibu to be hurt that >>>>>>>>>>>>

[blushingm]

dh has been looking at naked pics online for the last 9 years........and he says he can't stop

they like the pics you see in fhm, nuts etc. not hard core porn. i don't know if i'm being pruidish and completely over reacting or not....please help

the fact that he 'cant stop' would concern me tbh

I guess men are more visual whereas women need more than just a pretty pic. I asked male friends and dp and they all said they like to look at it but it's just using these pictures as an object for fantasies...nothing more. It's not like they're lusting after these girls.

My dp does look at stuff esp. when travelling. I know that it has nothing to do with me as he doesn't do it in my presence or at home. Just sort of to have a tank and go to bed. It doesn't upset me but what I have done is let him take sexy/dirty pics of me and slipped them into his suitcase or sent them to his private email address. That way he's reminded of me

he's also now admits his old boy is tight and he thinks he need circumsising - hence the lack of sex -but it's been 3 years and he was too 'embarassed' to tell me

is he just a liar???

i really feel betrayed.....he reckons he doesn't do it for a sexual kick and it's different from what he thinks of me. he fancies ,me more than them etc.....i don't know if this is the truth.

he has agreed never to go on internet again - he said to change the passwords

i dont think ybu to feel hurt-you cant help how you feel.i think if it was lots it might bother me but i dont mind dh buying things like fhm.

Sounds like there is more going on here than just the fact he looks at porn sometimes. Is your relationship OK otherwise (apart from the lack of sex)? Is he kind, respectful, a good dad, pulls his weight round the house, or is he totally cutting himself off from you?
And when you say he's agreed 'never to go on the internet again' and wants you to change his passwords, that sounds freakishly unhealthy to me (you are not his mother and it is not up to you to control his communication). Is he never to send another email, book a flight or pay a bill online, for instance? You need to have a talk about what you both want out of your relationship in the future, and whether or not counselling might help you.

can't comment on the foreskin issue but how ridiculous that he has had to agree never to go on internet again. Poor guy. I wouldn't mind but it doesn't even sound as though he was looking at anything other than very soft core porn. There have been loads of threads on this lately so I don't want to go over old ground too much but the bottom line is men are visual animals who have been looking at pictures of naked women since the first paintbrush was picked up.

So what if he does it for a small sexual kick. He would only be the same as 99.9% of other men - and the other 0.1% would be lying.

Men masturbate and they often do so with images in the head. We don't have the creative articulacy of women who masturbate via elaborate and creative fantasies which reside solely in their heads. Are they betraying their husbands any more by doing this?

I don't want to make sweeping judgements about your relationship but if your husband has had to agree not to go on internet again, it implies that you have asked him to do so. And I am sorry but if you are asking your husband not to go on internet to look at soft core images of women (I presume it is just that and you haven't banned him too from banking or any other online activities?!), that is a slippery slope of mistrust and insecurity, which can potentially lead your relationship into far murkier waters.

Sounds like this is not the main issue going on and I would recommend looking and what is lying beneath the surface, rather than getting fixated on such a minor pecadillo.

Sorry to sound so harsh but I really do stand by what I have written.

As you may have guessed, I am a man too.

x-ed posts with Madamez, sorry for repeating parts of what she said!!

blushingm, it's not unusual for men to look at naked pictures of women. As to his foreskin, he wouldn't be the first man to have difficulties and to be too embarrassed to have it seen to - I've known men in the 50's finally get circumcised and understand the difference!

Their 50's even.

He never does banking online anyway - i'm the one who ends up doing bills etc so he doesn't need the internet apart for as a past time/hobby

I'm very insecure anyway - dh knows this - my childhood wasn't great and my self esteem is very low

posting.....can you really look at pictures of naked women without a thought to your wife/girlfriend/partner? I feel that some how he's preferring to look at them instead of me - ie they are sexier and more attractive than me

I can understand your being upset about this, but do remember, sex for men can be a purely body issue which does not have to involve their heads or hearts ( i say can be). Unlike you, he could be very easily just indulging in some physical pleasure while still loving and fancying you to pieces and in fact some of this might even make him desire you more. He really is only looking. My partner was into this for a while... I started asking him about these women, got him to tell me about them, looked at them with him, flirted with him, laughed at them a bit. He now rarely does it. I know it makes you feel insecure and unloved, but forcing him to stop for those reasons might just cause him to feel frustrated and guilty and force it underground so to speak. Frustration and guilt are nasty things that can cause lots of trouble.

Hope you find a way to sort it out. Madamez is very wise.

Ok, YANBU to feel hurt by this, BUT YABU to make him stop or try to control this.

Do you really think a man can only fancy his gf or wife? Do you really think this is fair?

Just because he gets a kick out of looking at these soft-porn images doesn't take away from his feelings for you. It's just images, it doesn't mean anything once he's 'used' the images.

Also, if he hasn't had sex for 3 years do you really want to begrudge him what little satisfaction he does get?

(you'd be better off controlling your energies into getting him to a gp so he can sort himself out and give you the sex life you both deserve!)

do all men do this then? Why?

we've had sex but not regularly. when we first got together it wsas all the time - evn after ds was born he couldn't wait

i don't need to look at pictures of men and if he does t secretly surely he knows he shouldn't.....oh i don't know why does he have to

hello blushingm,

feeling a bit bad that I may have been too strident yesterday.

To answer your question simply, yes of course we still fancy our partners even if we look at porn. When we look at porn, we are not fancying (in the true sense) the people in the scenes, we are just creating a bit of fantasy in our heads. And everyone needs a bit of fantasy, IMHO. i.e. no single person can provide for every single one of our needs, sexual or otherwise. Now, in the worst case, people go off and have affairs, something I have never ever done. So it is not too bad a scenario if it is limited to looking at a bit of porn in the privacy of one's own home.

In reality, whatever the rights and wrongs, people have looked at porn since time imemorial and stopping your DH from doing so is, I fear, counter productive.

Perhaps you could even look at some porn together as a stimulus for your own love life?

Porn is not a panacea but at the same time it is not the devil incarnate either.

I do hope that helps and that you can both find solutions which help you both feel comfortable.

Sorry not at my most articulate this morning, at work and having to write quickly!

BLushingm, it reaslly doesn't sound like porn is the issue here. Do you know how/why your sex life dwindled away? It can't all be down to your DH's tight foreskin if he used to be very enthusiastic (tight foreskins are usually a problem from birth). It's possible he has something else wrong with his knob such as Peyronie;s disease which can make sex painful, but that's a matter for his GP to sort out.
I don;t want to be too harsh here, particularly as I don;t know you, but is it possible that you are unreasonably insecure? Do you accuse him of preferring every other woman he sees (the old bat holding he shitting dog, the spotty teen in the chip shop, his dentist, your mother, etc). It's very hard for a person to keep feeling desire for someone who is constantly whining for reassurance: if your self esteem is very low you need to get some help with that and work on fixing it (for your own sake above all: you are the only one who can fix yourself, no relationship can do that).
Is your DH happy or unhappy about the lack of sex in your relationship ie is it him or you who is refusing it? Either way it's got to be addressed if one of you is unhappy.

i;'m working on the self esteem bit and i'm getting there

it's just him avoiding sex as he says it painful...he showed me his willy and the foreskin is very tight - it never was before - i made a drs app for next week for him

thanks posting your viewpoint as a man is helpful...in some ways i'm quite naive when it comes to men and what they really think and do

WIth any luck, once he has seen the GP and had his tackle treated, your sex life might improve and everything be OK again. If not, it will be time to push harder for a good talk about what you want to happen in your relationship/

Porn isn't really a matter of should or shouldn't, more a matter of you either do like it or you don't, perhaps. Once porn has been used, it's forgotten. It's not like he fancies the women in it and wants them more than you, he is just aroused by the visuals. Don't worry so much.
Hope he gets his problem sorted and is fully functional soon. That will probably put your mind more at ease as it will make you feel more desirable again, and put the porn dollies firmly in their place