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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Dwelling on things

5 replies

Chicken333 · 03/04/2024 21:11

This may sound silly but I found comfort on this forum that u can just spill my feelings into and this is more of a rant to get my feelings out there. I recently broke up with my boyfriend and I know there’s no point dwelling on what went wrong but I just want to understand. He used to make me feel so special and so supported. He was literally the person I would go to and felt safe and comforted. He was only my second relationship so I don’t have much of a dating history but he’s the first person who made me feel loved and made me feel accepted no matter how much of a life wreck I would be. However a year into the relationship I realised that he wasn’t necessarily who I thought he was. He lied about something very big and it broke my trust. We started living together and I loved our routine. He started going out drinking every single weekend. We are both still young so I know maybe that’s normal but I didn’t necessarily want a boyfriend who I was worried about every single weekend when he go out and by this point I knew he was capable of lying and I was just worried. I didn’t feel like what I had to say mattered or that he considered it and it would get me very irritated and I would become snappy out of frustration. Besides the point, yes we stopped agreeing with each other and communicating. I’m scared that I brought out the worst in him when all I ever wanted to do is uplift him, help him and make our relationship work so if u did bring out the bad side of him then that would really hurt me because I always wanted the best for him. The relationship ended because he cheated. The worst thing is he didn’t even admit to it I found out through naked photos of them on his phone. He also became aggressive and completely lost patience to me, would grab me and call me names. He started caring about everyone else but me. I always wanted to work on our relationship together and help him and he always pushed me away. The reason I’m questioning it is because I don’t understand why a person who used to make me feel so safe and comfortable hurt me so much. I’m blaming myself like what could I have done differently, maybe been less snappy on some days, I’m not sure. I know there’s no point to think about it now it’s over but I really didn’t want him out of my life.

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 04/04/2024 07:07

He sounds like an arse, you’re well rid.

whichwayisup · 04/04/2024 07:17

Lesson here is.... Don't move in with a bf after he's broken your trust. End it and move on. Sounds like it was all good during the honeymoon period and then you saw him as he was. Shouldn't have moved in. The rest is just the result of poor decision making. Don't rely on other people to make you feel safe just sort your own shit out and then you aren't relying on someone else to make you feel secure.

Chicken333 · 04/04/2024 09:48

whichwayisup · 04/04/2024 07:17

Lesson here is.... Don't move in with a bf after he's broken your trust. End it and move on. Sounds like it was all good during the honeymoon period and then you saw him as he was. Shouldn't have moved in. The rest is just the result of poor decision making. Don't rely on other people to make you feel safe just sort your own shit out and then you aren't relying on someone else to make you feel secure.

We moved in before he broke my trust, it is true u relied on him to make me feel secure and I keep blaming myself that maybe if I loved myself more it would have worked out and I know there’s no point blaming myself and it’s better to just work on that issue but at least I’m trying to take some kind of moral from the situation and I know he’s probably not even that deep into his thoughts about it

OP posts:
Chicken333 · 04/04/2024 09:50

DustyLee123 · 04/04/2024 07:07

He sounds like an arse, you’re well rid.

Not sure if I just have love eyes but I still feel like he’s sucha great person who just treated me like shit

OP posts:
persisted · 04/04/2024 10:29

Chicken333 · 04/04/2024 09:50

Not sure if I just have love eyes but I still feel like he’s sucha great person who just treated me like shit

No, he's clearly not a great person because he treated you like shit. When someone shows you who they are believe them.

Also this: He also became aggressive and completely lost patience to me, would grab me and call me names.

Raise the bar. It doesn't matter how annoying I'm being, DH might tell me to sod off but would never do this. Learn a lesson and don't tolerate this crap.

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