Don’t know if this is abuse

[Poweringthrough9]

In relationship with DP for 3 years. Was in abusive marriage before. Have a 7 year old from first marriage.

DP starts random fights at random times. Eg we are in the car driving to school, and I ask him
how his friend is doing. He said his grandma died and I say I’m sorry to hear that and is he ok. DP says “sure you are”. I ask what that’s supposed to mean. He says everyone knows I’m a selfish bitch and don’t care about anyone else.

He during fights has called me worthless, full of shit, nothing without my parents (I come from a well to do family), says I have daddy issues and everything is so daddy would love me. Other times he’s lovely.

He never apologizes ever after the stuff he says.

Today we went to the shops and he yelled at me for spending too long picking rice.

I don’t know what’s going on.

He says I’m a selfish cunt who brings out the worse in him and he’s never been like this.

Notice how he gets in your head: he says things like this which you probably (hopefully) have a hard time believing and this makes it harder to let the thoughts go. Before long, he's taken up far more headspace than he deserves.

As you move forward, give yourself times when you let yourself think through everything that happened, because you need to process it to start to see how wrong it all was. This might take a while. But just as importantly, refuse to think about him for most of each day. You'll catch yourself thinking of him anyway, that's fine, just tell yourself you're not doing that right now, and focus on your DD or your friends or some positive in your life.

oh i can guarantee he's been like this before - but THIS is your super power

this is where you tell him that you're sorry to hear that and clearly you are 'bad for him' so you are cutting him free to be the man he needs to be and you wish him the best.

Seriously - get the fuck out of this relationship NOW!

My ex husband used to say that when I talked to him in the wrong tone of voice, he couldn’t help but see red. He once magnanimously said he would try to stop automatically letting the red mist descend on him.

1. he was blaming me for his choice of behaviour.
2. I didn’t even know what his decision of the ‘ wrong tone of voice’ was based on.

I finally worked out the wrong tone was anytime I said anything that was even the tiniest bit critical (eg you’re a bit late), to when my tone didn’t have enough respect for him in it. (Eg calling him from another room).

I couldn’t win because using the ‘wrong’ tone was down to how he was feeling on any given moment. Plus it was a very good way to deflect what I had said (which he didn’t agree with - his problem) back to how I had said it - my problem.

Your DP seems to be using attack as the best defence. Blaming you when he doesn’t like something. Plus there are some people who have to make others feel worse, before they can feel good about themselves.

Well done.
How do you know he’s crying?
Block him on everything or he will suck you back in. And then you will be punished for breaking it off.

Put DC first and keep her away.

So he’s being nice and crying but saying you are a selfish cunt who brings the worst out in him? Well in that case best to never see each other again?

If my OH called me a cunt it would be the first and last time.

I'm so glad you ended it, OP. Enjoy being single, focus on yourself and your daughter, and maybe try some counselling to help you build healthy boundaries for the future

@MzHz 👏

Although if the OP says that he'll then revert to "Oh but poppet I really did think, when we met, that you were The One! Can't we try again, pleeease?"

He sounds horribly abusive. Thank god you've ended it.

I would take a break before seeing anyone else. It would be a good idea to find out what a healthy relationship would feel like for you, perhaps through counselling, before you take the risk again. You and DC deserve so much better.

He’s trying to reel my back in saying we’ve built so much together and that there’s work to be done on both sides. I feel so confused but am sticking to my guns. He keeps saying I’m bring out the worst in him but he’s willing to work on it. But the thought of being back together is filling me with dread. And heaviness.

Don't go back OP. It would just be more of the same sooner rather than later and over and over again. You say that the thought of being back together is filling you with dread- that is all the information you need- your body is telling you that this is not good for you.

Please please please safeguard your child. I don’t want to be nasty but you are complicit in child abuse if you don’t remove them from this situation. Ideally you should never have got into a new relationship after leaving a previous abusive one, clearly you were vulnerable to more abuse and not mentally in a space to protect yourself or your child. This needs to happen now. Contact women’s aid, read the threads on here, look up the freedom programme, speak to your GP. Whatever you do, do not let your child think that this is life, and that this is acceptable. Please prioritise your child.

This about this statement that you "bring out the worst in him".

Take the emotion out and think about it?

Why on earth would anyone want to be with someone who brings out the worst in them? That's entirely irrational.

This is all you need to know. He is ALWAYS going to blame you for the fact that he is shit.

OP be your own friend.

would you let a friend stay in this relationship?
what would you say to them?
be that person

Oh yes, the "I feel that there's fault on both sides" defence. It sounds so damn reasonable, doesn't it? It completely appeals to your sense of fairness and justice. Oh look, he must be willing to try and meet you half way.

Invariably used after HE has done something breathtakingly unreasonable and horrible, and you have done little wrong 😡

Yes. Also, if there's fault on BOTH sides, what is HE doing to solve his part in this? It sounds like it's all about what he thinks YOU should do because YOU are the problem. Twat.

Confused
Dread
Heaviness

Each one of these is telling you: do not go back!

And to add to my previous message, abusers often like to get us doubting our emotions. Emotions have a purpose: they keep us safe. Yes, sometimes we have to feel anxiety and do the job interview anyway, or whatever, but take notice of your emotions because they give you an insight into how you react to this man.

To contrast with your post, for the first two years I was with DH, I was walking on air. And even once I returned to earth, the feelings have been overwhelmingly positive. If he doesn't add value to your life, what is the point of him?

Remember to focus on what you want, not what he says.

OP, you need to listen to what your own body is screaming at you, that this 'man' is dangerous and deranged.

He has already 'laid hands on you', and did it in public ffs !

How long do you think it will be before he's slapping or punching you ?

You are NOT responsible for HIS inability to control either his emotional state or his temper. You've stated clearly in your example in the car that he is deliberately manufacturing 'rows' over absolutely NOTHING ! And he's doing it simply because he NEVER wants to see YOU happy !

Listen to your own body, listen to your own instincts. Protect yourself and your child from this fucking monster by NEVER going back !

Dread, heaviness and confusion when thinking about being with him is 1000% proof that this 'relationship' is NOT good for you or your DC.

How is he talking to you? Do you have any reason not to block him?

Look up DARVO OP. That’s what he’s doing.

No fault on your side OP, please don't doubt yourself.

Ignore the crocodile tears, these are just because he's realised you have seen what is really going on and he's trying to regain control of you.

The only person who needs to work on themself is him and abusers rarely do as they enjoy the control and power,

This man is dangerous and if you give in now his behaviour WILL get worse. Please remove yourself and DC from danger.

You can do this and you will have a happier, calmer life ahead of you. This is not how people who love you behave.

I'm so glad to hear you've ended it! For your sake and the sake of your child, please do not ever get back with him.
Cut contact completely. Don't even give him the opportunity to beg for you back.
Block his numbers and email!

He's an abusive cunt who blames you for his own wrongdoing. What would you say if your kid was with someone like this?

I dont get why people stay with men like this

OP you are worth so much more, dont accept this from anyone

Op if you can't stay away from him for your sake then stay away from him for your daughter's sake, show her that women don't put up with anyone treating them like shit. Show her how to be strong and walk away. ❤️