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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Insecure and feel like a fool

10 replies

Nesses06 · 03/04/2024 19:59

My husband and I have been together for 10 years now, married for less then a year.
Baby on the way, I am 32 weeks.

He is so loving and caring, I won't deny that however;

His search history always has porn videos, instagram posts about only women
Even his YouTube shorts only show stuff about women.

I don't know how to deal with it. I have spoken to him about it probably 3 different times in our relationship but i think he might get better at hiding it. He told me it's honestly nothing to worry about, he occasionally watches it...

But, why do you feel the need to look at it? To seach for it, am I not enough, yes I get it. You are a man, "in your nature" but surely you are secretly fantasizing about those woman and I am afraid that your fantasy world is more enjoyable to you then your actual wife?

He doesn't really share his sexual fantasties with me, he obviously enjoys his private time more... we have sex about once a week?

I just wish I could be enough for one person. He obviously lacking something. Am i doing something wrong?

Which lately has become such a problem for me. I am insecure and feel like a fool.
I use to be such a bubbly outgoing person now i just feel sad. And not good enough.

How can i bring a child into this world with my self worth being so shitty!

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 04/04/2024 07:00

If he’s always been like this, I’m not sure why you’d expect him to change.

LightSpeeds · 04/04/2024 07:20

I'd be leaving him. You're in for a life of misery, with your self-esteem on the floor.

He's told you 'It's not a problem'. Well, it IS a problem for you and he couldn't care less.

I wouldn't want a porn-obsessed wanker being my child's father (admittedly it's a bit late to change that).

Sorry you're going through this...

DustyLee123 · 04/04/2024 07:21

And if there’s any possibility that you’re going to split up, I’d be thinking about what surname you want to give your baby.

Bookworm20 · 04/04/2024 14:30

LightSpeeds · 04/04/2024 07:20

I'd be leaving him. You're in for a life of misery, with your self-esteem on the floor.

He's told you 'It's not a problem'. Well, it IS a problem for you and he couldn't care less.

I wouldn't want a porn-obsessed wanker being my child's father (admittedly it's a bit late to change that).

Sorry you're going through this...

This.

It bothers you and is eating away at you. He knows this, but doesn't give a shit.
So when he says it isn't a problem, what he means is, shut up and leave me alone to carry on doing what I want. Its far more important to me than your feelings on it.

Think about it. if there was something you were doing that your dh was getting upset about, would you carry on doing it? You'd stop doing it! Unless it was far more important to you than he is.

I can't stand men like this. He essentially thinks he can do what he wants and you should just be ok with it all, and if you aren't well just shut up about it anyway.

Its not going to get any better.

That stuff is a deal breaker for me, I know some women are ok with it, but i'm not one of them. And that doesn't make me insecure or a prude or boring or whatever other label is trotted out to enable men to excuse being a disrespectful pig.

I just wish I could be enough for one person. He obviously lacking something. Am i doing something wrong?

Sweetheart, you ARE enough. The only thing he is lacking is respect. YOU are doing nothing wrong. Please repeat that to yourself over and over.
What you feel about this is absolutely totally normal and most women would feel the same.

Tell him how you feel and that its a deal breaker for you. if he refuses to listen and doesn't care then seriously consider your options. You deserve someone who wouldn't hurt you for the world, not someone who purposes makes you feel like shit.
A decent partner would never ever make you feel insecure or question your self worth.

RandomForest · 04/04/2024 16:20

Bookworm20 · 04/04/2024 14:30

This.

It bothers you and is eating away at you. He knows this, but doesn't give a shit.
So when he says it isn't a problem, what he means is, shut up and leave me alone to carry on doing what I want. Its far more important to me than your feelings on it.

Think about it. if there was something you were doing that your dh was getting upset about, would you carry on doing it? You'd stop doing it! Unless it was far more important to you than he is.

I can't stand men like this. He essentially thinks he can do what he wants and you should just be ok with it all, and if you aren't well just shut up about it anyway.

Its not going to get any better.

That stuff is a deal breaker for me, I know some women are ok with it, but i'm not one of them. And that doesn't make me insecure or a prude or boring or whatever other label is trotted out to enable men to excuse being a disrespectful pig.

I just wish I could be enough for one person. He obviously lacking something. Am i doing something wrong?

Sweetheart, you ARE enough. The only thing he is lacking is respect. YOU are doing nothing wrong. Please repeat that to yourself over and over.
What you feel about this is absolutely totally normal and most women would feel the same.

Tell him how you feel and that its a deal breaker for you. if he refuses to listen and doesn't care then seriously consider your options. You deserve someone who wouldn't hurt you for the world, not someone who purposes makes you feel like shit.
A decent partner would never ever make you feel insecure or question your self worth.

Show quote history

Listen to this.

SamW98 · 04/04/2024 16:22

Bookworm20 · 04/04/2024 14:30

This.

It bothers you and is eating away at you. He knows this, but doesn't give a shit.
So when he says it isn't a problem, what he means is, shut up and leave me alone to carry on doing what I want. Its far more important to me than your feelings on it.

Think about it. if there was something you were doing that your dh was getting upset about, would you carry on doing it? You'd stop doing it! Unless it was far more important to you than he is.

I can't stand men like this. He essentially thinks he can do what he wants and you should just be ok with it all, and if you aren't well just shut up about it anyway.

Its not going to get any better.

That stuff is a deal breaker for me, I know some women are ok with it, but i'm not one of them. And that doesn't make me insecure or a prude or boring or whatever other label is trotted out to enable men to excuse being a disrespectful pig.

I just wish I could be enough for one person. He obviously lacking something. Am i doing something wrong?

Sweetheart, you ARE enough. The only thing he is lacking is respect. YOU are doing nothing wrong. Please repeat that to yourself over and over.
What you feel about this is absolutely totally normal and most women would feel the same.

Tell him how you feel and that its a deal breaker for you. if he refuses to listen and doesn't care then seriously consider your options. You deserve someone who wouldn't hurt you for the world, not someone who purposes makes you feel like shit.
A decent partner would never ever make you feel insecure or question your self worth.

Show quote history

Absolutely perfect response.

Please read this and take on board OP

Watchkeys · 04/04/2024 16:24

How can i bring a child into this world with my self worth being so shitty

Then think more of yourself! Respect your feelings. Your partner is repeatedly doing something you don't like, and you are viewing that as your failure.

Tell him you don't like it, and you won't stand for having a partner who does it. If he respects you more than he wants to watch porn, he'll stop, and if he doesn't, you'll know where you're at.

If he's told you it's not worth worrying about, when you are worried, then he's simply dismissed your feelings. He's saying that your worry is worthless to him. He's saying that your feelings are a fuss over nothing. How rude.

Can you see how this isn't your failing, but his?

category12 · 04/04/2024 16:45

Personally, I don't think there's much point in addressing this with him again if you've had the same conversation repeatedly over the years and nothing has changed / he is dismissive of you every time.

You have to look at what the relationship is doing to you / your self-esteem and decide whether it / he is good enough for you.

As you're heavily pregnant, you probably feel more vulnerable and less secure in your appearance already, so it might be that you should look at ways of rebuilding your self-confidence, perhaps with counselling, and decide whether this is a deal-breaker for you.

If you decide to stay in the relationship, will his use of porn continue to erode your self-worth or can you get to a place where you don't care about it (and do you want to get to that place anyway?).

I wouldn't recommend making him stopping a condition of you staying together, because human nature being what it is, he'll probably keep doing it and you'll drive yourself bonkers policing him.

SwordToFlamethrower · 04/04/2024 17:07

He is a misogynist. Ick.

Wantshappy · 04/04/2024 17:31

Iv suffered my other halfs behaviour like this for 10 years and now I wish I left years ago .I'm now 46 and feel very low and unattractive!! Try n put a stop to it before it effects u like iv let his effect me .I'm currently about to end things but I wish I had years ago ...honestly your worth more and its his loss not to see it x

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