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Original poster

Husband messaging someone at work

23 replies

Ladybirdlili · 03/04/2024 16:46

Backstory been with husband for over 10 years, been asking him for a while to make more effort into our relationship just with odd message as it always feels one sided.
So one morning he left his phone next to me in bed and I noticed that a message came through from a name I didnt know..I read back and for the last month they had been messaging every day and more about work and home life including where they were eating for tea ( no mention of me or kids etc) include some wording on on ' what would your husband think of messaging me' with flirty emojis.
So this has been dealt with or so I thought. He said he would cease contact with her as someone else was dealing with that contract at work. I went to talk to him and noticed his laptop and had her name on it. Asking if she was working hard ... He said he was just being friendly as they work together.

Am I being a mug/ overreacting or what? I feel I can't talk to anyone about this without being judged.

OP posts:
Pigeonqueen · 03/04/2024 16:54

Of course you’re not being a mug 😳 I would be furious.

Shoxfordian · 03/04/2024 17:01

Sounds like he's checked out of your marriage

Notinthemood12 · 03/04/2024 17:07

Hes disrespecting you. No you’re not over reacting the cheek of him

Original poster
Ladybirdlili · 03/04/2024 18:17

I commented on the message to him and he's gone off on one. Saying I'm out of order, he's sick of me being like this. I cry and he says I'm turning it on to make him feel bad. My heart hurts so much

OP posts:
Didimum · 03/04/2024 18:22

His defensive says it all. If I’d ever made my husband feel this way I would go to the ends of the earth to reassure him – anyone decent would because your spouse should come before all others.

Namechange666 · 03/04/2024 18:25

Ask him how would he feel if it was reversed.

I'd tell him I'm going to start investing in another man emotionally and start messaging them daily, stop doing things for him and see how he likes it. Stop chasing him for a starters.

Honestly like the pp above said, he has got defensive cos he damn well knows!

Stuckinthemiddle7890 · 03/04/2024 18:27

Op don't let him do that. He has no right to speak to you in that way. Let me tell you, even if it was harmless and innocent, the fact you have voiced concern should be enough for him to listen and act. Why does he need to send anyone at work a message like that? Why can't he just stick to work related messages. If he wants a convo with someone... erm he can send you a message. Do not allow him to cloud what you know is wrong. You're his significant other he should have your back not try to make you feel awful. He should be making you feel secure. If sending messages to this woman is so important tell him to pack up and get her to wash his dirty clothes and cook his meals.. see if she still wants him then.

JustAWorm · 03/04/2024 19:38

Messaging someone saying "what would your husband think?" is implying that they're doing something they shouldn't be. He's after an the forbidden fruit - an affair. I would confront him about that. Ask him to explain exactly what that message meant.

I've been in this position. My partner had a FWB when we met. An ex. He was using my phone while out as he had no data (we were young and poor) and left his phone so he could call me. I saw a message come through from this ex. She was seeing his best mate by this point (she was the one refusing to let things go). I opened the message and it was innocent but curiosity got the better of me. Scrolled back up to a message my partner had sent along the lines of "yeah X said that you're at it all the time and he can't keep up with you. Felt like saying I never had any problems". Regarding sex if it isn't obvious. She had ignored the comment and changed the subject and he messaged again "aren't you going to reply to my last message" with a cringey wink face.

The difference was, when confronted, he didn't have a go at me. He refused to give an answer as to what he meant by the message, though. He hasn't spoken to her again since. Not for lack of her trying, making new accounts and stuff - so there was obviously something going on. It's been 10 years and this was right at the beginning. I didn't ask him to but I made it clear that if he can't help but try and turn conversations with other women sordid then he didn't have a future with me. He didn't work with this woman but she was very much enmeshed into his social circle. His friend found out she had been FWB with my partner, as she lied about that, and he ended it. I don't know what we would have done if they hadn't, or if they worked together like in your situation. I would be looking for some reassurance. He needs to make this up to you and not let you feel like this again! Is he willing to talk calmly at all?

MsDogLady · 03/04/2024 21:10

+Messaging everyday and building their connection.
+Sent ’What would your husband think of messaging me’ with flirty emojis.
+Said he would cease contact with her, but has continued.

@Ladybirdlili, it is he who is out of order.

He has a flirtation going with this OW and is investing in her. He lied to you about cutting contact.

He couldn’t care less about your feelings and boundaries. He is acting like a single guy and is indeed making a mug of you.

How dare he get defensive and blame-shift to make you back off when he is crossing lines with another woman. Don’t allow this manipulation. How would he like you constantly messaging with an OM who was sending you flirty messages and emojis?

If my H disrespected me like this, he would be shown the door while I reconsidered the relationship.

Original poster
Ladybirdlili · 03/04/2024 21:18

Thank you for your messages, I was made to feel crazy about it. X

OP posts:
boobot1 · 03/04/2024 21:34

Ladybirdlili · 03/04/2024 21:18

Thank you for your messages, I was made to feel crazy about it. X

Your crazy if you stay with him.

MsDogLady · 03/04/2024 21:55

@Ladybirdlili, you’re not crazy at all. You rumbled him so he is lashing out to manipulate you into backing down while he continues this inappropriate relationship. He has proven that he has no intention of cutting contact with OW, and feels entitled to lie to you about her.

He is abusing your trust and treating you like something he stepped in. Set a consequence and tell him to leave.

Gowlett · 03/04/2024 22:00

I had flirty banter going on with a few men at the office (I was young & attractive). On email, at the pub. They always started it. I think it was a stress reliever for them. Nothing ever happened.

DrJoanAllenby · 03/04/2024 22:07

Whether he wants to leave you and be with her or he just enjoys the ego boost from flirting with her, doesn't really matter as he's completely disrespectful to you and uncaring about hurting you.

It's over. You've caught him out and he will always feel resentful and despise you and you will never trust him again.

Don't let it carry on causing more hurt and distress. Take control and tell him it's over between you and him.

Westcountrylegend · 03/04/2024 22:12

I was him . I couldn't hide it anymore. Long story short, she wasn't a mug and I lost my family

Ihearyousingingdownthewire · 03/04/2024 23:01

Ladybirdlili · 03/04/2024 21:18

Thank you for your messages, I was made to feel crazy about it. X

Classic tactic of a cheating cunt caught red handed. They really all do follow a script.

JPGR · 03/04/2024 23:24

He’s gaslighting you. Don’t put up with it.

commonsense12 · 03/04/2024 23:34

Ladybirdlili · 03/04/2024 21:18

Thank you for your messages, I was made to feel crazy about it. X

I saw it happen with my parents. Unfortunately, he's been caught out.

CountFucula · 03/04/2024 23:36

It’s not you, it’s him.
he is messaging and flirting with another women for thrills despite the betrayal this is to your marriage
maybe he should leave the home while you think things over?

Burntouted · 04/04/2024 14:51

"Backstory been with husband for over 10 years, been asking him for a while to make more effort into our relationship just with odd message as it always feels one sided."

Leave. Why do you feel the need to continously keep asking someone to basically show interest in you and the relationship??

You've been in a one sided relationship for awhile, or perhaps always. It isn't going to change. Learn how to love and treat yourself better. Stop holding onto hope and see things for what it really is..and has been.

RandomForest · 04/04/2024 15:26

It's time to face the music.

You tell him, he is currently having an affair and if it's innocent he won't mind the screenshots you have of their conversations being sent to her husband, in fact do this, send them.

He's rejecting reality being brought into his grubby life, you are spoiling his fun, rather than respecting you he is treating you with contempt. I suggest you do the same, from now on doing nothing for him, no sex, no food, no comfort, no admin, NOTHING.

How fucking dare he.

You are most definitely not crazy, he's being an abusive twat.

Disturbia81 · 04/04/2024 17:46

Gaslighting in the extreme. No-one would be okay with this.

Mrsgreen100 · 15/01/2025 20:23

You’re not crazy, hate the expression please gaslighting you wake up and don’t bother with this shit. It’s not okay.

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