Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

I need some outside perspective

17 replies

Goingsomewhere1day · 03/04/2024 14:00

This is a bit of a long one but I've been having some issues with my partner (now ex). We only got together in October last year but we have had quite a lot of fallings out. He has ADHD and sometimes he has asked for some space (which he is well within his right to ask for) but I always thought it was my fault or I had done something wrong, which would then cause an argument cos I hadn't given him his space, cos all I wanted to do was find out what I had done wrong and make it up to him. I do realise now that it wasn't my fault he needed space, it's just his way of regulating when things get too much for him.

He has really bad mood swings, one minute everything will be going really well then all of a sudden he just switches and gets really angry at me, will throw stuff and break stuff. And he's really mean to me as well, has called me the most awful things I wouldn't ever dream of. He says that I've not done something, that's why he's angry but he won't tell me exactly what I've done wrong which leaves me feeling so confused. He has always apologised for his behaviour afterwards.

I will admit, when I first started dating him, I was seeing a couple of other men at the same time, but I just thought it wasn't anything serious between us as we had matched on tinder and I thought my profile had made it pretty clear I wasn't looking for anything serious at the time, I just wanted a bit of fun, but when he found out after the first couple of dates that i had seen other people, he got really mad at me, said I cheated on him (which in my eyes I didnt cos we weren't exclusive or anything, maybe I'm wrong, I don't know)

Even after we spoke about it and had resolved it he keeps bringing it up all the time. And I'm no angel, I know that, I've done some really shitty things in my past, BEFORE I'd even met him and he brings these things up too and gets mad at me for them too.

A few weeks ago we had a big long chat, (which turned into an argument, and he physically abused me) about how I need to listen to him and do everything he says, I can make no mistakes, I have to do everything to make it up to him. The things is, I have been showing him lots of care and love and trying to make it up to him but it never seems good enough no matter what I do. I can't do right for doing wrong, everything I do seems to be wrong, even when it's something he has asked me to do previously, I dont know what he wants. He says I have to stop being so selfish and stop complaining and thinking about myself, he's the injured party here, I should only be thinking of his needs, not mine. He has also cut himself multiple times in front of me and blames me for it, which then makes me think "shit! I made him do that."

There was also a time I had put mascara on for work, he came to pick me up and asked if I was wearing make up, which I said yes. He asked why and I said cos I felt like it, I actually wanted to look presentable. He then got mad cos he thought I had done it just for him, I then interpreted this as I shouldn't be wearing make up to work, which I now know he wasn't implying, but still made me feel shit for it. He also accused me of cheating on him with male work colleagues, even if they're gay. He throws this back in my face a lot that I've made these things up and I'm left thinking did this really happen?

A few days after he had physically and emotionally abused me, I confronted him about it, told him what he had done to me was abuse then he flat out denied it and called me the abuser, said I was a psycho, insane, that I'm gaslighting him, that I'm a narcissist. Am I these things? I'm so confused.

I do also suffer with anxiety and depression, which probably doesn't help, but I am getting help for that. But I just feel so much worse, like I'm walking on eggshells all the time. And the worst thing is is that I love him so much!

Please help, I would really love to hear other peoples thoughts on this.

OP posts:

MiddleParking · 03/04/2024 14:02

I think he sounds nice. Stick at it.

EvenStillIWantTo · 03/04/2024 14:02

He's an abusive prick.

You need to leave.

Stop letting his manipulate and distort your thoughts.

Get clear that you need to move on.

heldinadream · 03/04/2024 14:03

I hardly read it but I see he physically abused you x2 or more. So that's it. No relationship. No tolerance of violence. No excuses.

KalaMush · 03/04/2024 14:06

He's awful OP. Delete, block, run.

OlderandwiserMaybe · 03/04/2024 14:09

been having some issues with my partner (now ex).
Good - keep it that way. Dont give this man any more headspace.

Original poster

Goingsomewhere1day · 03/04/2024 14:18

I think I'm just going to leave him be now, I have been thinking it for a while but I was never sure if it was the right thing to do, especially as he had also put lots of effort into me too. I just needed some clarity that I wasn't a complete and utter crazy person. Thank you

OP posts:

Opentooffers · 03/04/2024 14:18

So when you made it clear on your profile that you didn't want anything serious, and he got mad, why did you do an about turn and try to make it serious? Are you attracted by people who get angry at you?
Why are you giving him all the ammunition he needs from your past, then surprised when he uses it against you? All signs were there that he's the jealous type to do this from the start.
Why are you still seeing him after all the verbal and physical abuse he's done to you?
You should of stuck to flings only, but the way you latch on, despite being treated like crap (or because of it). I doubt you've got it in you to just do casual, otherwise you'd of had no trouble dumping him. So just be on your own for a good while, because he just does what he does because you let him and chose it, that's why it happens, it's your choice to move on, always has been.

Starlight1979 · 03/04/2024 14:21

MiddleParking · 03/04/2024 14:02

I think he sounds nice. Stick at it.

😂

BigButtons · 03/04/2024 14:22

A man verbally and physically assaulted you and you are not sure if he is abusive or not? Seriously?

Original poster

Goingsomewhere1day · 03/04/2024 14:32

I'm not entirely sure how it got serious if I'm honest. Even though I wasn't looking for a relationship, I did actually really like him, so I told him I would stay commited to him. He did so much for me at the time.

The reason he knows about my past is that he always said that I need to trust him and always be open with him about everything. It was really difficult for me to open up as it's always something I've struggled with, but I didn't ever think that me opening up would end up with me having it thrown back in my face.

I'm just going to move on now, cos I can't deal with these feelings of constant hurt and confusion and hopelessness anymore

OP posts:

Watchkeys · 03/04/2024 15:41

When you say 'the right thing to do', what do you mean? 'Right' according to what?

Original poster

Goingsomewhere1day · 03/04/2024 17:20

Watchkeys · 03/04/2024 15:41

When you say 'the right thing to do', what do you mean? 'Right' according to what?

I meant I wasn't sure if it was the right thing to leave him or not. As much as he has hurt me, I seem to have hurt him too and that I should be staying to help him to heal. I always felt guilty if I just went and abandoned him

OP posts:

PoochiesPinkEars · 03/04/2024 17:29

Think you need to Google trauma bonding to understand this emotional attachment you've got to someone who in 6 short months has been every kind of awful and all you do is look within for what you could have done differently.

You could be any human in the role of gf to him and his attitude and behaviour would be exactly the same because you can't win against his logic that says 'if I'm upset it's your fault, if you're upset it's your fault, if no one is upset they soon will be and it'll be your fault'

You need to stop asking how a relationship with him could have been sweet and loving and start asking why you would stay in a relationship with someone who treats you like this.

The sooner you identify what in your psyche makes you accept all the blame for other people's bad behaviour, the sooner you can unpick those damaging thought processes and protect yourself from abusive relationships (this is very abusive).

PoochiesPinkEars · 03/04/2024 17:38

Goingsomewhere1day · 03/04/2024 17:20

Show quote history

He has some serious emotional issues. Maybe they are understandable due to his past, or whatever, but still the fact remains he is acting out his own emotional internal landscape and you can't influence that.

He is not in a position to be offering to be in a relationship with anyone as he is not ready to be able to be one half of a healthy balanced relationship.

If he was doing the right thing, he would seek self understanding and help and support to heal whatever is at the root cause of his pain.

Then, he might be able to offer to be in a relationship that won't just damage the other person or make his issues into their issues.

Many people, but especially men, don't want to work on this - it's hard and uncomfortable too face internal demons (metaphorical demons obvs.).

So they find it preferable to partner up with someone who is willing to bend and accommodate where they can't/won't... and then they can have the relationship they desire with none of their issues challenged or triggered...

Or at least as far as their poor unfortunate person can do, and any error (which are inevitable) can be blamed on them and so they learn to dance the dance of trying to prevent recurrence until there is nothing left of themselves and all that's left is a shell who exists to reflect back what the damaged behaving badly person needs to see.

Dery · 03/04/2024 18:04

@Goingsomewhere1day - you sound a bit vulnerable. The right relationship will be easy - it will not involve lots of falling out. Well done you for walking away.

Also you said this: “The reason he knows about my past is that he always said that I need to trust him and always be open with him about everything. It was really difficult for me to open up as it's always something I've struggled with, but I didn't ever think that me opening up would end up with me having it thrown back in my face.”

Again, a decent BF will not insist you tell them everything. Unless you have, say, herpes or HIV or another health condition that a sexual partner needs to know about, your history is your business only. However, be aware that abusers will often demand to know your history so they can get into your head and use it against you.

Watchkeys · 03/04/2024 18:05

Yes, but that doesn't answer the question. If something is the right or wrong thing to do, it must be right or wrong according to something. I understand that you don't know if it's right to leave him or not, but it might be right according to, say, God, but wrong to, say, your mum. So, whose is the authority that you are looking for, to tell you whether something you are considering is 'right'? There must be an authority to defer to, otherwise how could anybody/anything tell you that you were 'wrong'?

Dery · 03/04/2024 19:01

@Goingsomewhere1day - just to confirm (it’s too late to edit my post): you sound vulnerable because you’re querying whether you should walk away from a man who is controlling and physically and emotionally violent. You absolutely must walk away. The fact that you’ve hurt his feelings doesn’t justify his behaviour.

I’ve been with DH 25 years. We’ve had some rows over the years and sometimes really annoyed each other and hurt each other’s feelings but he has never treated me the way you describe. Never. This man is dangerous to you. Please let him go and keep him gone.

Flip