Abusive relationship revelation

[NewNameHello]

Sorry if i come across as really naive but I've realised after reading a few threads, that my husbands behaviour is emotionally abusive. Honestly, id never have said i was in an abusive relationship.

weve been together 25 years (i know…) since i was 17. I have tried to break up over the years but he almost wouldn’t let me and i had no one to talk to. I guess i felt at times that perhaps i wouldn’t get anyone better, he “loves me lots” and “i wont get anyone who loves me more than him” etc. i almost put up and shut up. Now ive got to my 40s. Two children in, im seeing my relationship through fresh eyes. The amount of crap ive put up with for 25 years, i cannot believe were still together. Well i can, ive tried but its impossible to leave because he doesn’t agree. I guess i stayed as all friends were setting down, having kids, getting houses, married etc. i felt trapped but i suppose he didn’t seem that bad in the grand scheme of things. Hes always been a massive drinker. I used to drink lots too back in the day before kids. I dont drink now. He still does.

ive had enough of his anger and agressive behaviour when hes been drinking, it probably kicks off at least once a week with him shouting and telling the kids off. I have to calm things down. Its not a nice environment to live in for any of us.

ive made a decision i want to end the marriage snd go separate ways. Problem is him. Ive tried to discuss with him about splitting up, arrangements, kids etc. he switches off, will walk out the room/house, will roll his eyes as if its - not this subject again- he will sit and ask my reasons for splitting up and then pick them apart and try to turn it all around to be me and “my issues”. That im not perfect either etc. then its almost forgotten in his head and i bring it up again and its like im telling him for the first time all over again, the hurt look, the shock on his face. Ah im just sick of this. How hard is it to break up with someone?! He refuses to leave- ok it is a joint house, he could afford a separate short term rental and I continue to afford the mortgage short term. I have no issues with selling and splitting the proceeds. I just want to move forward and stop living in limbo 😤

Then you make plans to leave, don't try to tell him again, and just do it. Get legal advice first but keep all decisions to yourself. You keep trying to engage with him and he won't listen so just stop. Don't tell your children until you go, if you think they may say to him. I know I say just do it, but make a list of what you need in your head. Don't write it down if you think he might go looking.
Quietly removed anything personal, paperwork, jewellery etc and give it to a friend to hang onto.
Organise somewhere to stay. It could be with family or friends until you can get sorted.
Choose a day when he's out and enlist help.
Remove from your phone anything that might give away your position.
There will be others who can give you better advice, I'm sure.
Good luck

I do feel your advice about moving forwards without him is going to have to be the way it happens. I was almost hoping he would eventually say- yep ok lets split up but he will keep coasting along living in the status quo forever more. I feel like my life is on hold now.

I’m in the same situation op.

He just won’t discuss it, he’s financially abusive and I have no money for solicitors etc.

Ive realised if we are ever going to split it will have to be me leaving and possibly leaving my dcs (teens) behind as I won’t be able to move into a house big enough for them. My lifestyle will have to change considerably and I will probably go from having a good standard of living to having nothing. A divorce and financial settlement could take years as he is secretive and devious. Don’t have the money for a financial detective or whatever they’re called.

Feel utterly stuck too x

My xh wouldn't leave when I wanted to split, I'd brought it up over a few years, each time he would promise things would improve, obviously they didn't.

In the end I left, I told him I wanted to split, found a house to rent and was out within 3 weeks. I had lots of support from my parents, and I knew he wouldn't go without force, which I didn't want for our young dc.

Remember, if you leave and go into rented, you may qualify for help through universal credit depending on your income, plus you can claim maintenance. I went from a very good standard of living, plenty of disposable income to surviving on benefits, luckily my parents bought me a car. It was still better than being with him, and I've worked my way up to a good income again, that I have complete control over

Thank you. Im prepared its going to be difficult for a while being a single parent. I wont have much spare money, but ive looked at my finances and with my wage alone it will be ok. UC would be welcome though to take the pressure off!

its just his flat out refusal to talk about it which bugs me. Im a very reasonable person but he almost goes into petty mode. Its frustrating. I have opened up to a friend about it and to her its black and white. I suppose i dont want to end this on bad terms but hes leaving me no choice. Im sure he will sink further into the bottle and blame me for ruining his life etc. Idc anymore

I hoe you manage to find a way out 😕