Husband always making new friends

[Starlight17]

My good friend came to me with a dilemma about her DH that I didn’t know how to answer so wanted to get some advice from you lovely ladies. Her DH has always been sociable and had lots of friends (male and female) since I’ve known him (15 years) whereas she has a smaller close knit group of friends, he picks up friends from every walk of life - from school to adulthood and everything job between. She said this is fine and knew this when marrying him but it’s started to get on her nerves that when they are out and get chatting to other people (by the pool on holiday most recently) he gets slightly obsessed with the new friendship, has to automatically add the husband to WhatsApp and wants to spend the rest of the holiday with couple (whether she or they want to or not!) She’s tried explaining that although it’s lovely she may not feel the same or get on with the wife so quickly in the same way but he does not understand. Years ago they went thought a rough patch when she found some emails to another woman who was another friend from the past whom she had never heard of, let alone knowing they were texting and emailing every week. Nothing to insinuate an affair, just emails about life and work and the woman using him as support for all of their problems (or so it read) despite having a partner herself. This completely destroyed her trust in him that he would tell her if he was emotionally investing in another woman’s life and I don’t know if it sounds like the issues with these friendships (male and female) are something to do with her trust issues rather than him actually doing anything wrong? Again, recently he’s told he he ran into an old work colleague from a job when he was 16 and has swapped numbers with her. Again this has made her feel uncomfortable, although this time he did tell her upfront. Not sure what advice to give as he seems to be like this with both men and women and may just be overly friendly?

Her DH is obviously very extrovert and always has been. It would be unreasonable of his wife to expect him to change his personality.
Perhaps she could think of some reasonable and non-negotiable ground rules eg if they go on a date he doesn’t go off chatting to others.
At the same time perhaps she needs to be more comfortable with who she is without depending on him to adopt her more private lifestyle. For example if they are on holiday, he can chat to someone he met on the beach while she pulls out a book or goes on a stroll.

The wife sounds controlling if she doesn’t like her husband to have friends .

If a person isn't comfortable with their partner's behaviour, they have to decide for themselves whether to continue to put up with it.

There is no advice, because there is no fault and no objective problem. Her own subjective problem is her own preference.

I don't think it's normal behaviour to go on holiday and want to spend all of your time with a random couple you met by the pool.

And is he obliged to be 'normal' or is he allowed to be his quirky self, @TinkerTiger ?

Is your friend on Mumsnet? How strange you've posted that on here.

Well I think in the context of people referring to his wife as controlling, it matters. If she gets a label for opposing a particular behaviour, then the behaviour needs to be considered.

Thanks for the replies, she isn’t on Mumsnet and I’ve only posted on here as she asked if I thought she was being unreasonable or he was and I couldn’t decide so wanted some objective opinions! I can see both sides and how it can be frustrating for her and also he is just being himself. She doesn’t talk to anyone else about it IRL and I told her I would post on here as you usually get some thought provoking advice…

If he’s always been like this then why has it started to become an issue now? It will difficult for him to change this and why should he?

I personally think it changed when they were having issues and that email situation I mentioned previously came to light, erring me to think it’s her own insecurities since that situation that may be making this a problem.

From what some of you have said, I do also wonder if it could be the whole introvert and extrovert dynamic and while it was nice that opposites attract in the beginning, three kids and many years of marriage it isn’t working for them anymore? (I do generally thinking opposites can work but maybe not these two).

I enjoy chatting to random people but I can't stand it when people impose themselves on others like in the holiday example. I'd definitely be introducing some ground rules for certain situations but on the whole I think collecting friends is a nice thing, better that than a miserable bugger no one wants to spend time with!

I had an ex like this. He made friends with everybody, which did have an upside, we went to everybody’s parties at weekends lol.

He did take it to extremes though.

we were holidaying on a tiny Greek island, (back in the 80’s) before it was over run with commercialism. Anyway, he got talking to a couple on the ferry and by the time we reached the island they were his best friends lol.

It turned out that the hotel (which was very small) only had one twin room available. As we were all very tired we took the room anyway, so that at least we could all have a shower.

So the beds were tiny wooden framed singles which were too narrow for 2 people. It seemed the best course of action was to push them together and we all 4 of us lay across them sideways, the two girls in the middle with the men on the outsides. Every time someone turned over you could hear elbows and ankles clucking on the bed frames.

And that is how we ended up sharing a bed with two complete strangers on our holidays.

Oh wow @Savemydrink that is extreme! I probably haven’t added that although her DH is friendly and lovely to all of his friends and strangers, he can be quite cold towards her and the kids at times (she doesn’t mind me saying). But I guess this is a different topic entirely.

He has developed a preference to hanging out with other people than his DW. This doesn't bode well for their relationship IMO, it doesn't sound like he likes spending time with her, it's avoidance.

He doesn’t sound like he has any boundaries .. I would hate to meet someone like him on holiday who would want to spend time with my DP on a holiday we’d be looking forward to and there’s no way my DP would entertain this kind of imposition. Would be so embarrassed by his behavior as well if he was my DP. Sounds like he has a split personality based on his being cold with wife and kids .. proper Jekyl and Hyde character! I don’t blame your friend for being upset

He doesn’t sound like he has any boundaries .. I would hate to meet someone like him on holiday

But this isn't about you, @Secondstart1001 There's no indication that anyone was uncomfortable with him except his partner, and his boundaries are his own. Just because they're not the same as yours, doesn't mean he doesn't have any.

@Watchkeys the Op has come on here for opinions and that’s mine! I don’t think people spend thousands to go on holiday to spend it with random strangers 😅 let’s just say his boundaries are a lot broader than mine.

I don’t think people spend thousands to go on holiday to spend it with random strangers

But he does, so you think wrong.

He is who he is, and that's who he's always been. His extreme gregariousness isn't an annoying habit that can be nipped in the bud, it's an inherent characteristic. It's also well within the realms of normal - I've known several people like that who just seem to easily acquire friends wherever they go. And the thing is those people are charming enough that it turns out that you are happy to spend a whole holiday with them, even though you wouldn't normally.

I couldn't be like that, nor be with someone like that, as I'd find it exhausting. But I do think it's ultimately a positive trait.

The emails to his friend are not unreasonable either. They're not being "overinvested in someone's life", they're just what friends talk to each other about. I have male and female friends I've confided in and been confided in by... it's normal.

I think your friend gets to set her own boundaries though. She doesn't have to be attached at the hip to her husband. When he's off on one socialising with every man woman and child in the vicinity, she can go for a nice solo walk, or read a book, or just do whatever she wants. She doesn't have to hang out with all the new friends he acquires. She doesn't have to get on with the wife and she shouldn't be expected to.

Sounds like several separate issues here:

The DH is not unreasonable to get chatting to people and make friends- he is unreasonable to want to spend large chunks of the holiday with the new friend when his wife is clear that she wants some private time on holiday

It sounds like there are some unresolved issues following the DH's emotional affair- did they have proper counselling to work through this, and did he ever acknowledge that this was inappropriate

Your update mentions that he can be 'cold' towards your friend and their children- do the DH's wants and needs come ahead of everyone else in the family? He is overall kind and supportive?

He’s not ‘quirky’, he’s bloody annoying.
Imagine hitching yourself to random strangers on holiday. He sounds absolutely maddening.

But it's up to him, isn't it, @GreekDogRescue ? Or does everyone have to agree that what you personally find annoying is annoying, even though nobody in the situation except his wife seems to be showing any concerns at all?

Or is it that you think you know them all really well, and that they're hiding their true feelings, which are just like yours?

Honestly, there's lots of people out there who would be annoying to lots of people, but they are allowed to do what they want, as long as it's within the law. It's respectful to respond to people's requests, but beyond that, nobody is an authority on what anybody else 'should' be doing. There's a lot of prats on this thread who think they know 'how to be a person', and by communication that that's how they feel, they show disrespect to others.

The guy is allowed to do what he wants. His wife is allowed not to like it, as are the people he chooses to spend time with. If they don't like it, they need to communicate that to him, and he needs to respect their boundaries. If he doesn't, then they need to make a decision about whether to distance themselves from him. And that's it. It's not about whether he's right or wrong.

I couldn’ t care less what this peculiar man gets up to but it is clearly upsetting his wife, and I don’t blame her at all. Perhaps have some sympathy for how she feels.
I’ve been stuck with cling on men like this when travelling and they are a pain in the butt.

Perhaps have some sympathy for how she feels

Perhaps don't patronise?

If OP has feelings about her husband's behaviour, she needs to talk to him. If she doesn't like his response, she needs to consider leaving.

Do you think that it's a good idea to try to change your partner into what you want them to be, @GreekDogRescue , or accept that they are what they are and make your own choices for your own happiness?

Sorry your travelling didn't go well.