Feeling guilty about maintenance order

[aunaturel78]

Hi all, my 23 yr relationship ended quite abruptly about 10 months ago when I discovered that my partner had over 10000 in unexplained debt. I have never managed to get to the bottom of where this money went and he sticks with the story that he was financially stretched and had to borrow for general bills. I knew nothing until I was handed a final notice at the door as we had 8 months rent arrears. I asked him to leave that day and thankfully sorted the rent situ. I had been saving a deposit for a new house and he had told me all our finances were in order. Turns out he had the arrears and other personal loans from bank which ge had not disclosed. My whole world was turned upside down in seconds. Once the initial shock went I tried so hard to keep things amicable. He acted like he was relieved to have left the house and showed little remorse like our lifetime together meant nothing. He spent very little time with our son 16 and has not seen him since Christmas. Initially he agreed to pay me 400 per month to cover the rent arrears which I had to pay from my house deposit money. I have received 600 since he left and last payment was in Sept. He has given nothing for our son and I cover all school, medical cost etc on my own, he didn't even give our son a Christmas present! I changed jobs 6 months ago and have a good salary so I think he believes I don't need his money. Things have turned sour since Christmas and he has more or less cut contact with me and calls our son maybe once every 2 weeks for a very quick chat.
I have started legal proceedings for child maintenance and he will receive a court date today. I feel sick to the pit of my stomach and I don't know why. I guess it's like the final line in the sand and we will never have an amicable relationship again. I thought this person was my soul mate and have been completely destroyed by his behaviour but still feel bad for starting proceedings for some stupid reason

Bit more info op. You asked him to leave the day you found out? What did he say? How much were you earning at the time vs him and what were the outgoings?

I asked him to leave the house on day I found out about the arrears and the loan accounts. He had lied to me about money in the past but not on this level. In the job I had at the time I earned about 20% more than him. I was covering groceries, broadband, car, health and life insurance, heating and almost all school related expenses. He was supposed to cover rent and electric.

You sounds quite harsh to end your relationship over a debt - unless there’s more to it ?!
Besides that he should be paying child support so no need to feel guilty on that part .

But OP didn't end the relationship because of the debt. She ended it because of her partner's complete failure to meet his financial obligations and because of the very serious long term lying. I would have done exactly the same.

He’d lied to her - clearly for a long time. She ended it because he was no longer acting as her partner. Good for her.

OP nothing to feel guilty about. Your son should be financially supported by both of you and he should have considered this before running up significant debt. It doesn’t matter that you can cover it, men shouldn’t be shirking their responsibilities because women always pick up the slack. Teaching your son this is not a bad move.

I'd certainly have divorced anyone who racked up that much debt and thought it was ok to lie to me. And look at how he has treated his sone since.
You'd have to be a right mug to live with someone like that. He just doesn't give a shit.
Take him to court and feel no guilt, he certainly doesn't feel any.

It was very much about the lying and secrecy. I could have gotten over the money. The fact that he allowed it to reach a point where we would be evicted and continued to sleep soundly really bothered me. Additionally, where did the money go? There was no explanation and I am confident there was no issues with gambling and no other woman at the time of separating.

Sounds like he dodged a bullet.

Jesus OP, that's all it took, 10k is all your relationship was worth!

You dont need to go to court for child maintenance - just apply via CMS
https://www.gov.uk/how-child-maintenance-is-worked-out

That's not the issue at all. He failed to pay the rent for many months on the home his family lived in and she knew nothing about it until they were about to be evicted. She then used money she had been setting aside to buy a home to pay the arrears.

He, on the other hand, while she had been saving, had been spending the rent on god knows what and lying to her saying they were doing fine.

I'd have kicked him out. I'd have kicked him into next week!

You have nothing to feel guilty about. He cheated his wife and child. Risked the loss of the family home and now refuses to pay for the upkeep of his child.

Whether it is £10,000 or £100,000 it doesn’t matter it is the morality of his fraudulent activity.

your claim for CMS is valid and the only one feeling guilty should be him.

It wasn't the 10k it was the lying and there was history of this previously. There was no explanation of where money went and he refused to allow me to access bank statements. He has something to hide obviously and I can't trust him, which I feel is bare minimum in a 23 Yr relationship.

@soontobe60 currently living in Ireland so maintence orders go through family court here, which adds to the stress

@VanGoghsDog thankfully I have saved hard and started a job that pays significantly more than my previous role so I will hopefully buy our new home by end of 2024. Of course this is much harder as a single parent but I am determined. I have worked towards this for 15 yrs constantly upskilling in my career. I even took on extra private consultancy work last yr while also working full time but that money was used to cover the arrears etc.

Obviously we don’t know the full story but you were obviously putting money aside.
Who was paying most percentage wise in relation to both your earning?

Without any other explanation, is it possible that he got in debt just trying to maintain the households standard of living? And maybe he was too embarrassed to admit it sooner, especially being as you are the higher earner. If he wasn't feeding an addiction or something other illicit activity then surely he'd have something to show for this spending?

Are you joking? This bloke lied, squandered money, almost made his family homeless, left his (hardworking, hard-saving) wife out of pocket so their child had a roof over his head, and is now a deadbeat dad. Yeah right. Total overreaction there, OP. 😒

I feel very sorry for the 16-year-old lad. At least his mom is there for him.

Just to update, he recieved the court date and is not happy to say the least. He thinks I am trying to make him look bad.

He's making himself look bad. Stand firm, make him pay what he owes his son.

Are you joking? The op and their child were facing eviction because of that debt and you think he dodged a bullet?

He's making himself look bad op not paying for his child

Don't feel bad OP he brought it on himself. I'd also be taking him to small claims court about the rent money - it sounds like he's acknowledged the debt in writing?

Hope it all works out well for you and your son.