Advice needed

[WibblyCat]

Name changed for this.
I've been in a relationship with a man for the past 18 months - he is lovely, we are very well-suited etc etc.

He has two daughters from his marriage - they are 4 and 6. DP and his ex-wife separated around 3 years ago - living in separate houses etc., but hadn't got round to getting divorced. Perhaps this should have been, but this wasn't a red flag to me - my own parents remained married for a long long time after their separation.

His relationship with his ex-wife (calling her ex for shorthand, I appreciate they are not yet divorced) is somewhat challenging - it isn't terrible and mostly they co-parent well but there are a number of on-going tensions. Last summer, for example, partner was vetoed from taking daughters away for a couple of nights while ex-wife booked week long holiday abroad for her and children with no communication in advance. They don't still do any joint family type things - they see each other on pick-ups/drop-offs of the children but any other communication is via text. The girls do live with their mum but see DP regularly throughout the week and stay over at the weekend.

They are now beginning the process of getting divorced.
The difficulty is that I have not been 'allowed' to meet his children yet - ex-wife is of the opinion that it is much too soon to introduce partners and that she is only thinking about the children's best interests. DP says he really wants for me to get to know them (initially just as his friend) but that ex-wife is blocking this - and he is worried about rocking the boat as he feels like she could use this to prevent him from spending time with the children. I do trust DP very much and I have seen communications which corroborate his version of events - but I feel very much trapped in this situation and I am at a loss for how to proceed.

I don't have children of my own (and I don't have any particular desire for this). I don't want to launch immediately into a step-parent role (as this would obviously be over-stepping), but I do equally understand that we won't have a successful long-term relationship if the introduction to his children doesn't go well. Any advice would be very gratefully received.

"The difficulty is that I have not been 'allowed' to meet his children yet - ex-wife is of the opinion that it is much too soon to introduce partners and that she is only thinking about the children's best interests."

I know I will get slated on here, but with the greatest of respects, it's not the ex-wife's decision. If she met someone else, you can guarantee your DP wouldn't get a say in the kids meeting him.

"Last summer, for example, partner was vetoed from taking daughters away for a couple of nights while ex-wife booked week long holiday abroad for her and children with no communication in advance."

I was just about to say that all MN commentors always say that a father is equally as much as a parent as the mother (i.e. when posters talk about their DH "babysitting" the kids) and then something like this comes up and I think it's no bloody wonder men don't feel like an equal parent half of the time. So the mum can stop DH taking the kids away on holiday but she can do as she pleases?! What a joke.

Anyway, your DP needs to put his foot down with his ex. You have been together for 18 months. If they have been separated for 3 years then the kids (especially the younger) won't even remember their parents being together so it's not like they need to adjust to mum and dad being with other people. She can't stop him having contact with his kids because he's got a new girlfriend.

Thank you for this - broadly you have summed up what I am thinking but then keep second guessing myself over whether I am being unreasonable or not.

I think ultimately the problem lies with DP a reluctance to put his foot down (I do understand the reluctance and I am sympathetic to this) - I think he is perhaps being naively optimistic and anticipating that ex-wife will just 'come around' if he is sufficiently patient. It just feels quite unlikely and far off right now.

She won't. And the longer it's left, the worse it'll get. Do you (or him) seriously think there will come a day when his ex just goes "Ok! I feel ready for your new gf to meet the children now!" It won't happen. Like I said, she won't give your ex a second thought if she meets someone else. She's just trying to control him and using the kids to do it which is horrendous.

Its not good to introduce the kids to every casual fling you have, but an 18mth relationship is not a fling and to be blunt, the future of this relationship now hinges on your relationship with his kids. His kids must come first, from that perspective, I agree with his wife but being 18mths into a relationship is more than respecting that. I would suggest you get your partner to sit down with his ex and explain that he IS going to start introducing you as you are a permanent fixture in his life and he wants the kids to get to know you. It will be done slowly and with the best interest of the kids in mind.

If your partner envisages a long term relationship with you, he needs to know it will work with his children and so the relationship between you all must move on. He needs to give his ex fair warning and to ask for her support to make this go gently for the children. If he won't even contemplate this, then walk away, he doesn't see you as a permanent fixture.

Start with a brief casual meeting in a neutral place, like a park. Partner needs to reassure his kids that he loves them and that they are the centre of his world. Build on this slowly. Make arrangements with the ex and stick to them to build her confidence and lessen the resistance. Good Luck!

@Starlight1979 @NorthernSturdyGirl

Thank you both for the kind words and advice! I've had a long chat with DP about how things are and what he would like things to be like moving forwards.

DP has put his foot down with ex-wife, and we now have a date in the diary for me meeting the children (in a public space, for an hour or so, all very low pressure)!. Keeping fingers crossed.

That's good to hear. This is a big leap of faith for your partner and he has taken it. Introduce yourself slowly and follow the guidance, build trust. Remember that you aren't mum, as his ex will feel challenged. However when they are in your home with their Dad you will be responsible for looking after them too and as such, maybe ask the ex what the ground rules are to maintain consistency...bedtimes, eating habits etc Tell her you want to support what she does not challenge it. I hope it all goes well!