Do you tell your friends what they want to hear or what you really think (esp when they are very down)

[emkana]

I have a friend who is going through a very difficult time at the moment. The trouble is this: What she really feels she needs atm is somebody who will give her a boost, who will listen to her and agree with her that life is sh*t and that people are horrible to her etc. In truth though I really feel that she is being unreasonable in many ways. But how can I tell her that? And should I tell her that? Would it be cruel to be kind or jsut cruel?

That's difficult. I think if she's really down I'd agree with her to start with and then little by little try and get her to see where she's being unreasonable.

just listen for now.

Yes, I second that expat.

It depends on her situation, it is often easy being on the outside and being objective and seeing a reality for what it is but the catch 22 of being "really down" is that in that persons eyes, things really are that shite/bad/crap etc.

Maybe, try and concentrate on being supportive and really listen to her without judging or teying to fix. Sometimes people just want to be heard.

Think of ways to bring her out of herself. Activities that you could do together. Perhaps when she's a bit stronger, she will be more open/willing to your stance on things.

Or trying.

Willing to hear your stance on things. Sorry but I'm a bit tired, brain is in the hoover!

my mother always judges or starts telling stories about how XYZ faced far worse and just pulled herself up by the bootstaps and now she's fucking Pollyanna Sunshine with Bill Gates' purse.

so i never tell her much of anything.

i've told her i don't want to hear about other people and their stories from a magazine when my PND hits a rough patch.

but she doesn't get it.

she can't even concede how lucky she's been.

so i keep it light with her for the most part.

try and listen. say 'mmm' rather than 'yes' if you really can't agree.

maybe take her to see a movie or something where you don't have to talk?

i struggle with this - am a bit of a bloke on this one, always coming up with solutions. have to fight it.

Sorry for slight hi jack but expat and without being patronising, that's really

I'm with expat

she doesn't know what else to do, Mhamai.

she's lived on Easy Street her entire life, so how would she?

i don't hold her responsible for that, i'm used to it now.

i just go elsewhere with it: sister, cousins, Dad, friends.

mostly my sister and some of my cousins.

It's weird, my mum's dead nine years in May and I couldn't talk/relate on any really meqningful deep level but for completely different reasons. The experts said it was schizophrenia. I think it was years of unnecessary ECT. Either way, I know where your coming from. Did you manage to get that book? The women that run with the wolves? There are so many Mexican references, I swear that book was wriiten for you!
A bloody mighty empowering book too!

Again sorry for hi jack.

m tough one I guess it depends on how close a friend you are. I normally am very understanding and offer advice but if I feel they are being unreasonable I tell them that I am about to bring out harsh jaminmywellies and tell it truthfully. It normally works and I have yet to have a friend tell me they thought I was too rough on them.

I think part of your job as a friend IS to tell her the truth, even if it's harsh. However, the trick is to be careful how you do it. I would suggest listening very carefully without interruputing her, then tell her that she's your friend and you want to be honest and give her your opinion constructively. Always ensure she knows you are there for her and want to help and are not passing judgement.

This is a tough one emkana. I agree with expat in that for the most part the best thing you can do as her friend is just listen. If she asks your advice or opinion, then offer it, in the nicest possible way. Maybe, if she makes generalised sweeping statements like "life is shit" get her to elaborate, that might help her sort things out in her mind too, and help her see that some aspects of her life may be shit, rather than all of it.