Is there an age where dc are more likely to accept a new relationship?

[highlo]

So long story short:

Was married to ExH for 10+ years, had our Dd. Later found out he began an affair during my pregnancy and carried it on for first year of DDs life before I found out.

We then split. The OW was married and chose to stay with her then DH.
2 years later they split and my exH and the OW got together. Moved in together 6 months later. My Dd was still young so pretty much accepted it at face value. My Dd sees her as a SM type figure and they seem to be pretty well blended.

I'm over the cheating and the breakdown of the marriage. Spent 8 years single (a bit of dating here and there when Dd was with her dad but nothing serious and nothing she was aware of).

2 years ago I met my now DP and I've never been happier. Waited a year to introduce them and even then did it gradually (ie they met a year ago and they see each other maybe twice a month, he's only every stayed over 2 nights while dd has been in the house).

The problem I'm having is that she's adamant she doesn't want to see him more regularly, never wants him to live with us etc.

When I ask her why, it doesn't seem to be anything about him personally (and she said she likes him). She says she just prefers it being the 2 of us - it's all she's known her whole life except the last year.

I've constantly reassured her that she's still my priority, always will be, that I won't love her any less etc etc, but she's not having it.

The bit I'm really struggling with is that she keeps talking about how brilliant her dad's partner (the woman he had the affair with) is. How much she loves living with her etc but that she just wants me to be on my own.

It's taking every ounce of my willpower not to say anything - and I never ever would bad mouth either of them in front of my daughter. She's oblivious to the history and I want it to stay that way.

Anyway, this is just partly a rant at how unfair it seems that they've moved on and playing happy families etc while I'm expected to remain alone and see my DP when Dd is at her dads.
It's the only option I can see for now and would never not put her first - I'm just so frustrated by the unfairness of it all.

I'm pretty sure if this had all happened when my Dd was younger she'd have accepted it better but it's almost as if the fact it's been just the 2 of us for so long, that she struggles with the change even more.

I guess the other thing I'm wondering is whether it's likely if there's a level of maturity she might reach where me she realises that it's unfair for her dad to move on with his life while she doesn't want me to? Like at one point when she's out with her friends all the time & has her own bf etc that it might dawn on her that I'm sitting home alone while her dad is cosied with his gf?

How old is she actually? Because I’m in the exact same situation. Literally; the exact same. My kids are 10 and 12 and I just told them pretty much everything you’ve said here. That I care about what they think but that their dad has a full complete life and I deserve the same etc. Not in those words of course but I just told them. They’re old enough to hear it.

@WarshipRocinante it's so so tough isn't it. Takes everything in me not to tell her why it's so unfair for her dad and his gf to move on happily and 8 years later I'm still not "allowed" to.

My Dd is 9 (almost 10)

DPs best friend had the same issue with her daughter. The daughter was 12ish. Friends ex had recently moved his newish partner in, which hadn't fazed the daughter at all.

The problem for the girl wasn't so much about it being a new partner, but about it being a man. She didn't want to share her space with a man she barely knew and really, can you blame her? You tell most grown women "You're going to be living with this random bloke" and they'll probably have the same reaction.

DPs friend eventually accepted it wasn't going to happen and her and her bloke still live apart 3 years later. It sucks for her but is what was best for her daughter.

Shameless bump of this.....I'm really struggling with this

More recently I've had so much anger towards ExH.

Dd has been in tears about not wanting to go to his (there's a court order so there's no option of keeping her with me and I don't think that would be right longer term).

When she's upset she says she just doesn't want to leave me/my house - it's not that she doesn't like her dad.

She just wants us all to be together but she seems to be blaming me. I've explained it's not something I have any control over and that if her dad & I were together it wouldn't have been a happy household etc.

However, the last few days when she's been saying about not wanting to go to her dads she's also been shouting about not liking my bf. It's almost as if 8 years later she's blaming him for me and her dad not being together - even though her dad has been in a relationship and lived with someone else for 6+ years??!

I get so so angry. Not about the affair but that 8 years own his actions are having such a negative impact on my Dd (then me as a result but mostly concerned about my Dd).

Why does he get to move on, be happy, live in this wee bubble of a perfect life. Meanwhile I spend 50% of my precious time with my Dd comforting her and listening to her being upset about not wanting to go. And not being "allowed" to have a partner and move on myself?

I don't really have any advice, but just offering a hand hold. It sounds really really hard and I completely agree that you should be allowed to live a full life in the same way your ex has.

People always say "oh men need to step up, kids are 50% theirs" etc but on the flip side say "well women need to keep their relationships away from the kids" why is it ok for men but not women, since we're equally 50% parents?

Does she have a friend who's dps are still together? Maybe she is feeling a bit envious of someone right now. My dc were 4,6 and 7. But they have no df in the picture... Now 15,17 and 18. Pretty much plain sailing. Even with my older teens who lived pt until 12 and 14 and chose to be here full time. My dh even collected them... Honestly never had any issues... Fair enough your dd is just 9 but she can be told her df has a plus one. ...

Thank you @Littlebitpsycho
I don't actually even know what advice I'm expecting.....it's more of a self-pitying rant.

It is exactly like I'm being held to a higher standard.

I have extreme guilt about my Dd not growing up in a "traditional" family - even although it wasn't my choice or doing. exH had the affair and left and he's living happy, guilt-free in his own bubble.

All I want is to move on with my Dd, keeping my Dd as my priority (as always) but also sharing my life with a partner. You see so many people managing this but it's like I'm asking for the world and feeling guilty for wanting it.

I'm constantly down from seeing my Dd constantly upset - when she was younger she was so bubbly and outgoing (thing changed way before I met my bf). But it's like she now has separation anxiety and is really struggling with the situation with her dad and I

You have to remember what a massive deal this is for your daughter. She has not chosen this relationship with a new man, you have.

To suddenly find that her time with you involves this new man - to actually possibly have to live with him… it’s huge isn’t it?

Imagine if a strange man moved into your home, when you didn’t want it to happen. And she has no escape from this if both parents have live-in partners.

Yes it’s annoying your ex has done this - but she’s never known any different, she won’t remember her Dads’s partner not being in her life.

Id argue you can live a ‘full life’ without moving a new man into your home while your child lives there.

Her dad has her 50% of the time - that gives you loads of 1-2-1 time with the new man.

That she is so upset about going to her dads + doesn’t want your DP moving in + going into those early teen years…

Most of her friends parents are still together. She has one close friend whose parents are split but the rest are together.

In some ways I think it would be easier if her dad wasn't on the scene (however I also know that's extremely selfish of me and I know the best thing for her is to have a good relationship with her dad).

It's almost like she's got some misplaced loyalty to her dad and doesn't like me having a bf as a result.

Yet there's no loyalty to me when it comes to her dads new partner (who btw spent my pregnancy and first year of my DDs life shagging my exH behind my back - we all knew each other and she seen me pregnant, visited after dd was born etc). As far as my Dd is concerned she's amazing - and I'm left biting my tongue not saying a word as I'd never want my Dd to know any of this for her own sake.

I just really struggle with the anger I'm bottling up inside while smiling and comforting my Dd

I do get it is a massive deal for her. But just to clear up a few things - she doesn't spend 50% of her time with her dad. The majority is with me.

And my Dd and I spend the vast majority of time together just the 2 of us. I've been trying to gradually introduce my bf. Usually once a month for a few hours (twice max) - the rest of the time it's the 2 of us.

The reason I've not forced it further is that I do appreciate it is hard for her, and unfair to expect too much from her. I have no intention of moving him in or having him round more than she's comfortable with.
I was just having a rant about how unfair it all feels

@MidnightPatrol Just realised that when I said I spend 50% of my precious time comforting my Dd.

What I meant is that of the precious time I do get with her, I probably spend about 50% of that comforting her as she's upset about not wanting to go to her dads, eg if she's going at the weekend her anxiety starts on the Wednesday or Thursday night. Instead of us enjoying our time together she's upset and I'm trying to help her feel better about it. I don't blame my Dd at all for this - I was trying to explain why I'm getting so angry at my ExH over the situation he created. 8 years on and he's still sucking happiness out of times when my Dd and I should be happy

I don’t think there is ever a ‘good’ time, I would probably say the younger the better though. I was your DD in pretty much this exact situation, although a couple of years older, and I just didn’t want an unfamiliar man in my home. He did eventually move in and although he was a lovely guy I remember constantly feeling uncomfortable at home (things like using the bathroom, showering, wearing PJs etc - just never feeling like I could fully relax anymore.) Although it must feel so unfair, I think it’s more likely to do with this than favouring your ex’s partner. It’s also likely she views your house as her true ‘home’ so wants that to be her safe place. On the flip side, as an adult I’m very glad that my mum found a partner to share her life with, and I do get on with him very well. It all worked out fine in the end. No advice other than move slowly and sensitively, and be honest with your daughter about how you don’t want to be alone once she is grown up just like dad has a partner etc. If you are considering having DC with this man, that also adds another layer to the situation.

I totally get it op.

i decided to keep my relationship separate from my dc. I think a lot of it is to do with it being their main home, being girls and having their space taken by a random man (in their eyes).

I also see exh married and he had no qualms about moving her in quickly. It sucks and feels unfair. But I’ll have choices once they’re both moved out.

Perhaps keep it very light. Or if it is upsetting your dd so much then don’t have your bf round. Tough few years coming up for her.

You’ve mentioned that dd thinks that ex’s gf is great but what does she think about Dad? I’m wondering if she thinks gf is great because dad is crap so makes her time there better where as time with you is already great so she doesn’t want your bf changing that dynamic?

I can see her point if she’s had 9 years of it just being you and her in the house that’s a long time and her whole life. She’s reached or reaching puberty, of course she doesn’t want a man in the house living with her that she’s not related to. It would be pretty unfair to force this on her now, the time to do it would have been when she was much younger and could grow up with him, this age and up is just not fair on her.

I wouldn’t be making an upset ten year old go to her father’s when she consistently doesn’t want to. Other people will have more exact knowledge, but a court will listen to her preferences about contact at this age, I would have said. It sounds to me as if this anxiety may be linked to her reluctance to have more contact with your boyfriend — she keeps being pushed into situations resulting from adults’ relationship decision that she hasn’t chosen. Removing compulsory visits to her father may make her feel more secure about other things.

Having said that, it’s not hard to see why a 10 year old is unenthusiastic about living with her mother’s boyfriend.

Sorry if I've missed it but has she had any sort of counselling? It sounds like she could do with a neutral third party to talk through her feelings about the situation.

It's 100% not being forced on her. In fact it's the opposite, she's not spending time with him when she says she doesn't want and I've reassured her he'll never move in with us unless she actually wanted him to.

I'm just struggling (inwardly) at how unfair it feels and wanting a bit of a rant

She did have counselling (play therapy) at the end of lockdown due to her being extremely distressed at going to her dads.

Obviously this was well before I met my bf and she was 5 or 6 at that point. It helped short term and she was happy to go for a while but it's creeped back to her not wanting to go. Maybe worth considering again though thanks (her dad doesn't think there's a problem so doesn't agree she should go or that he should contribute to it tho).

Have no advice but totally get where you are coming from. I'm nearly 5 years separated and see ex getting on with his life while it feels like we are left to pick up the pieces and hold it all together, quite often to the detriment of our own lives. Why is she anxious about going to her dad's house?

There doesn't seem to be any single reason, nothing I'm worried about. She just says
She prefers being with me and in my house. It doesn't sound like a big deal but I feel like the anxiety it's causing is taking over bother our lives.

I get the impression she's better once she's actually away. She'll come home happy, say it was "fine" but then the next time comes around and the cycle starts again.

If there was a more concrete reason I'd 100% be back at court saying she doesn't want to go. However, I don't want to get in the way of her relationship with her dad when he's not actually done anything wrong (to her anyway).

I feel like I'm countdown til she's 12 or starts high school as surely he'll give her more say in where she spends her time without it officially having to go back to court?!

It’s really hard. I split with DD’s dad when they were 9 and 11, my eldest has always found it hard when I have dated people and I have pretty much been single for 8 years, now dd1 has moved to uni and I am still single. I totally understand that DC’s should come first but it’s hard and lonely especially when the ex is playing happy families.

For now I would continue as you are, you can see your partner when dd is at her dads? And occasionally he can come over when dd is there? Maybe eventually she will feel more relaxed about him staying over more? She will also soon be a teenager and will be off doing her own thing with friends or like my dd she will spend more time in her room. I have found my DD’s far more excepting if you do things outside the house with your partner rather than them staying over. Your dd see’s your home as a safe space for just you and her, having a man stay over could feel a bit unsafe to her?

I think it's very different when it's the dad that has a new partner, DD says visiting her dad is like going to see an Uncle and Cousins, she likes his new partner and her family but it's a visit.

She says if I had a partner it would be very different because it's just our space it's where she's comfortable and it tracks with conversations and comments made by secondary school pupils I used to teach. They liked their Step-Dads but it changed their dynamic in the home, things like moving about the house after a showering, having the routine and traditions they shared with mum changing even if it was for the better like moving into a bigger house and for some of them Step-Dads had been around for a long time but lots of the issues which hadn't appeared at a younger age reared their head when they were older,not just about Step-Dads but of the overall break up of their parents relationship, having to visit, not having a base etc. I remember one saying to me she wished her mum and Step-Dads could be together as he makes her happy but live separately so she still had time and space with mum.

Thanks @Lovemusic82 ❤️
I think that's exactly what I need to do. I just need to get rid of the idea of us playing happy families!

I think the underlying feeling is anger/resentment that my exH was the arsehole that tore our lives apart, and he's the one getting to live the lifestyle I crave. And the OW is all smug about how it's turned out 🙄

Thank you for all the understanding replies

This is really useful insight. It makes so much sense to hear it from that perspective and makes sense