Leaving my abusive alcoholic husband

[JanuaryBug]

I'm not sure what advice can be given because I'm in Ireland but the long and short of it is, I've (36f) been with DH(45m) for the past 17 years. We have four children together aged from 15 to 9. He has been an alcoholic for pretty much our whole relationship. I reckon there's definitely some form of undiagnosed neurodivergence going on with him, I have been exploring the fact that I may have ADHD for the past couple of years but cannot afford to get an assessment at the moment.

He is out of work, again, as he finds jobs get boring quickly, or doesn't like the hours. We struggle for money as it mostly goes on drink, cigarettes and takeaways for him. For years he has coerced me in to drinking with him most nights to spend time with him but I managed to cut it down to three nights a week by getting an evening job in a takeaway. I work only 30 hours per month doing admin for a non profit organisation, and one night a week in the takeaway now.

He inherited his parents house when his mother passed away nearly two years ago. During arguements I am told that it is not my house, it is his and I can get out. That he hates me, he can't stand me, I make him angry etc etc. He has pushed and hit me in the past, pushed me so hard one night that I landed against the oven and shattered the glass on the grill. He regularly gives out if I'm too tired for sex.

He is horrible to the kids, when they come in to make food in the kitchen where he drinks he sighs loudly, rolls his eyes, makes comments. He gets shouty with them.

I went away for a night the weekend before last with some friends. I had actually made an appointment with a DV support service beforehand for the Monday morning.

When I went to the meeting every single type of abuse had been ticked by the support worker, physical, emotional, financial, sexual and cyber (when I don't engage in arguments verbally he moves to sending messages and voice notes).

When I came back from the meeting we had received a letter to say our neighbours are suing us for work regarding some guttering we got done last year (the man who replaced them was a cowboy and never came back to fix his shoddy work). He went mental, wanted to go in and argue with the neighbours and when I told him not to he left the house in a huff for three hours. He came back and was still arguing with me so I blurted out where I'd been that morning and told him I could no longer put up with his behaviour.

Trouble is I have nowhere to go, neither does he, so we are both trying to live in the same house while I try to sort something. The DV place have offered refuge but I can't physcally seem to leave with the children as I know this will break them. He keeps saying it will break him too.

He did not drink last night, but has bought drink for tonight.

I know I need to get out. I know I do, please someone tell me it gets better.

It will break your kids well as you in continuing to live in such an abusive and otherwise environment. It should not matter to you he has apparently nowhere to go, that is your codependency talking. He has not given you or your kids a single thought here yet you’re worrying about where he’s going to go.

His primary relationship is with drink, not you or your children and his thought centre around where the next drink is going to come from.

I would also seek legal advice asap re divorce. These children, particularly the elder ones could well do with support from Al-Ateen. You could also speak to Al-anon as they are very helpful to those affected by another persons drinking.

I hope your children can go with you into the refuge place. Their home is more akin to a war zone than the sanctuary it should be.

I left to a refuge when my DC was 15 to one of only a handful of womans aid refuges here in England.

My ex H was an alcoholic. He still is. He was abusive in every way possible apart from sexual abuse.

My DC was glad that we left in the end, and we have had several conversations since. DC is now 25. What I am trying to say is that if you are being offered a place at a refuge, take it. The kids will be so much happier and so will you. You will start seeing sides to yourself that were long forgotten pop up and be much happier, and so will the DC. Its not easy to leave, my ex had such lovely sides to him and when things got tough I really wanted to just go back to him. But I am so glad I never did.

If you do decide to leave, remember to take with you the marriage certificate, passports and other relevant paperwork.

Hard as it is you need to do it for your own sanity and dignity

Well I don’t think a spellcaster is going to cure alcoholism so maybe put that aside for now.

OP, alcoholism doesn’t stay the same, as you’ve probably seen over the years. Tolerance changes, the behaviours change and it can get dangerous.
Your life will be difficult leaving for a refuge but that will be short term. Staying means your life will be difficult until alcoholism kills your husband.
Contact Al Anon https://al-anonuk.org.uk/
and keep talking to your DV support service. Every doubt you have they will have seen before.
I wish you all the strength in the world and all the best for you and your children.

Just leave if you stay you will ruin your own and your childrens lives, it is not better for parents to stay together especially if you are being abused, poor kids get them away.

Reported

It does get better. My DCs thrived afterwards. I wished I'd done it sooner. Life is so much better on the other side. I've never regretted it for a second.

Hi @JanuaryBug I am so sorry you are going through this. It is extremely hard to leave when you've experienced so many years of abuse, so it is a big step that you have gone to seek help and found the option of moving to a refuge. Try not to feel pressured as there is only your time-line for how you move forward and you will take one step at a time as you are ready.

It makes sense that you are worried about how your children will feel.

Have you spoken with them about the fighting? They will be aware of more than you think. If you can do so calmly, it may be helpful to ask them what they are aware of, and how that makes them feel. Ideally listen mostly, validate how they feel, and reassure them that you appreciate them sharing with you.

As much as children may want mum and dad together they deserve relationships with their parents that are not overshadowed by abuse and violence. It is also life-changing for children to know that one or both of their parents will work hard to protect them.

You can talk to each of your children individually, and say that you know there has been a lot of fighting in the home and you want this to stop. You can tell them that all children deserve a home with no fighting or violence and you are going to try hard to get help to stop the fighting because it is not good for you, or for dad, or for them. You can ask them what their thoughts are, and say you don't know what all the answers are now, but you will listen to them and you are doing your best. You can have these conversations in a way that honors the love they have for their dad by not blaming him, but also being honest about the behaviors that are hurting you and hurting them. It would be better to have several short conversations with them, rather than one long one.

Parents who have difficulties regulating their own behavior are more likely to maintain better relationships with their children after separation because they can then interact with their children when they are in a good space to do so, rather than exposing their children to ongoing outbursts/anger/violence, which are scary for children and will colour how they see their parent. It is more loving for all family members to find a situation that is going to help everyone feel safer and get along on peaceful terms.

https://www.domesticshelters.org/articles/childhood-domestic-violence/8-ways-to-talk-with-kids-exposed-to-domestic-violence

Hi All,
Thank you so muich for the advice. I can't just seem to see a way out at the minute. Things aren't bad enough to need refuge right now because he's love bombing trying to get me to stay. He didn't drink on Monday night, but did Tuesday because I think he was expecting me to let things go back to normal as he hadn't had a drink. He didn't have a drink last night but has bought alcohol for tonight.

He is passive aggressively calling me 'pal' now both in person and via text. Examples are 'Alright pal' when I walked in to the house earlier today after being out and 'cheers pal' when I do something for him.

I will definitely speak to the kids, my eldest is very clued in and knows what is going on. She keeps telling me to talk to her but I keep telling her no that I don't want to burden her.

The youngest has made comments about his dads drinking and when I said to him a couple of weeks ago that he was just like his dad (I didn't mean it in a bad way just that he looked like him) he shouted at me that he was nothing like that 'drunkie' and I was never to compare him to his father again. Imagine that at aged 9.

I just don't see a way out of this house at the moment. I can apply for social housing once we have a deed of seperation in place. I am waiting for my outreach worker to link in with me. The DV support service told me it could be a few weeks before this happens.

The atmosphere in the house is awful. I'm waiting on him to turn on me at any moment.

He has bought drink for tonight and you're waiting for him to turn on you any moment? Your son calls him 'drunkie' and your daughter wants you to talk to her.

What will need to happen before you leave? He beats you unconscious?

That sounds very harsh - I'm sorry I don't mean to be, especially when you have such a lot to deal with. I'd just hate for him to get drunk and hurt you.

No it doesn't sound harsh. It's true. He is unlikely to turn on me at the minute because I think he still hopes that I'll apologize and stay. I think once he realises that I'm not going to stay will be when I'm most at risk. I'm walking on egg shells because I don't want to have to leave the house with the kids while there's an argument ongoing. I'm trying to shield them. I know it sounds ridiculous but those are the thoughts going through my head.

Have you got any family or friends you can go to?

Hi @JanuaryBug
Your children sound amazing - they have ideas of their own about what is going on and they know that hurting people is not okay. Research has shown that children who've experienced domestic violence can grow very close relationships with their safe/protective parent, so please trust yourself and your children.

Having support and help from other people is critical to leaving - people who have not been through it find it hard to understand how leaving an abusive relationship is not something you can easily do on your own. You are reaching out for help so keep doing this - you deserve it and your children deserve it.

While you are still in the home, have a look at this link below and make a safety plan with each of your children. They need to know that they should not try to get involved if there is fighting, it is not their job to stop it, but also that they can phone for help if someone is being hurt in the home. They also can identify safe places to go if needed, which could be a room that locks, and safe place to go to outside of the house - eg a safe neighbor, where they could call for help. The children need to know that they can call police if physical harm is imminent. And you can create a code word that can be used if it looks like something dangerous is going to happen, so they know to leave the house and get help. Please look at this link below.

Safety Planning with Children and Youth - A toolkit for working with children and youth exposed to domestic violence (socialworkerstoolbox.com)

Respectfully, kids are not stupid, and know pretty much what is going on. There is no scenario where it is best to keep them in that environment, especially where abuse is involved. My advice is to take all the help you are offered ASAP. Again, there is NO scenario where the kids should stay.

Please consider the refuge. My friend is in one at the moment with 3 young kids. It was stressful getting there but now she says she is hugely relieved and at peace. She is also safe which is no small thing. You can do this. Your kids sound wonderful and they will be fine. Staying is not/not/not good for them!

Hi all
So the update is I needed to call the police last night. He took my clothes from the room, told me to get out and tried to take my keys from me physically so I called them as I'd asked him to stop and he wouldn't. The minute I dialled the emergency number he flipped into victim mode. He couldn't believe I'd done that etc.

I also called my parents who arrived before the police. Once the police arrived they advised it best if myself and the kids left with my parents as he had nowhere else to go.

So we've been here since the early hours of the morning. The kids witnessed it all. One is particularly angry at me and the whole situation. She's ok one minute and upset and angry the next. Wants to go home even though it's not safe right now.

I have to go with my mam now to the house to get some stuff for me and the kids. I'm so numb one minute and crying the next.

I need to get counselling sorted for the kids.

Hey @JanuaryBug how are you? Just reading your thread and thought I’d check in. You sounds so brave! I hope you are doing ok xx

Hi @Hoolahooploop
I just posted an update funnily enough! Things aren't going great.

Get counselling sorted once you've left him. Almost no point in it until they are safe, and they are unsafe at the moment.