how to tell ea partner is it over?

[OneBusySwan]

long story short. I realised relationship was unhealthy a couple of years ago, and since have noticed that I ignored a bunch of red flags from day one (17 years).

I have experienced controlling, manipulative behaviour, sexual coercion, threats to self harm, monitoring online activity, to name a few things, not all at once and not frequently. at times he is loving and attentive and caring. when it is like this I feel as though I've imagined all the bad.

I have spoken to 2 gps and a local charity and I have supportive friends however I have tried to leave 4 times already and it is near on impossible. for context, last time I tried to tell him it was over (about a year ago) he refused to leave, told me since I wanted to end it I should go, asked me why he should be the one to leave, threatened to take the children, kicked off in front of the children, told me to explain to them why I was kicking their dad out, they were devastated. told me he was quitting his job and didn't go to work all that week.

it broke me and I ended up taking the blame and agreeing to make it work! I hate myself for that. I can make the best of things for a while but the truth always comes back, this is not good for me.

now I am planning on leaving once and for all but my eldest has gcse next month. he knows im unhappy and has already started his smear campaign by saying "I know you're going to get rid of me after the exams" to me and to the kids. so of course when I do it, im on the back foot already. I don't want my children to hate me, they are everything to me. they adore their dad and I want them to continue to have a great relationship with him. he is great with them but i know that they will be better off with us apart.

my biggest issue is how to tell him its over? whatever I say will be used against me, I have to try and protect the children as best I can so I can't tell the truth about the abuse, that he will deny. he also won't accept a simple "this just isn't working" he will demand a comprehensive explanation. past experience tells me so.

I am in a mess, I have no job and no money and im ashamed to say no bank account. all our finances are dealt with via his account but I do have full access, he is very generous financially.

I guess what Im asking for is some kind words and validation, i'm at war with my own mind!

Ah gotcha, was confused by EA Partner and read it as an Emotional Affair partner...apologies!

"I know you're going to get rid of me after the exams"

When your kids are older they’ll see how toxic, manipulative and pathetic these types of statements were.

He already knows it’s over, you just need to confirm it to him. Will you move out or will he? Do you own or rent? I would get all your ducks in a row before you tell him so you can tell him and just go right away.

Take your children out, perhaps individually depending on ages and have an open conversation about your plan, tell them that the relationship isn't a positive one for you and that you having given this decision a lot of thought. Given them space to feel whatever they feel.

To be fair, whether or not he accepts a simple "this isn't working" is not really your problem to help him with. It's a perfectly valid reason for you though.

Abusive relationship are hard to leave.

I think you need to be as strong as possible before you try to leave because his manipulative and abusive behaviour has worked before I imagine he'll kick off and keep upping the anti to try and get you to cave.

Are you working with woman's aid? I suggest you get their support. I think you'd benefit from doing the freedom programme. I think counselling would help and doing healthy eating and exercise. Do whatever you can to strengthen your body and mind.

I think you need to open a secret bank account. Ask a friend if you can set it up at their address and they can keep the card from you. Try to siphon off some money out of the joint account without him noticing so you have an escape fund. You could also get gift cards when you go food shopping so you have means to feed yourself.

See a solicitor for your free 30 mins. Have you got evidence of the abuse? You might be eligible for legal aid.

Personally, I'd get all your ducks in a row (make sure you have birth certs, passports, bank detail, pension details ect). I wouldn't actually discuss the divorce at all when your ready file for it. Actions speak louder than words.

Also, sometimes, in an age appropriate way, kids need to know the truth. I'm not suggesting you share adult things but that a version of the truth makes more sense.

Good luck with it. Keep posting if you need support. I know MN has a reputation for being a bunch of vipers but I've seen some excellent advice and support.

Also, just a random. If you have ring / Alexa be mindful what your saying.

If he's tech savy it also might be worth getting a burner phone. Obviously, don't put it on your hone network.

the way hes being, refusing to accept when you say its over, refusing to make plans to move on. Requesting a detailed account of your whys then dissecting them to poo poo them. Bringing the kids into it etc. is that classed as emotional abuse? Sorry i just wanted to clarify as im in a very similar position with mine. I can really relate to your post

Is it emotional abuse? Damn right it is.