getting rid of Oven pans had me in tears

[Banana1979]

I left my cheating partner of 15 years three years ago. He was also abusive physically at times and put me down constantly
we have a nine-year-old daughter
we we’re however a family and I miss the family unit ( obviously not the abuse )
today, I finally found the courage to Spring clean the house as it’s taken me 3 years to pick up myself again
since the household is just me and my daughter, I no longer need my large oven dishes, he used to eat quite a bit and take food to work
getting rid of the oven dishes was like a kick in the teeth - I did love him but reminded me that I’m no longer in a family unit with mum dad and child . I know it sounds silly as we are better off without him but despite the trauma I miss him terribly and getting rid of the oven dishes Just hit home that I no longer happily cook for us all
I know I’m deluded and I feel even worse that I wasted 15 years of my life on a lying cheating abuser and I feel cheated of the life I could have had had I left earlier but I still feel lonely
I do sit down with her at mealtimes and we eat, but she has become very fussy since her dad has gone
he doesn’t really bother to visit her either and is often nasty to me on the phone. I don’t know why I feel like this because he is so horrible.
my sister has just got engaged to a lovely man, and I feel like I have lost out in life
What’s worse I want to have a good cry, but I can’t even do that because I’ve had an eye operation 5 days ago
I’m just fed up really , sorry for having a rant

Wow you've been through so much. What an amazing thing to do to turn your lives around. Have you had any therapy? You and your daughter seriously deserve and need that.

Have you heard of trauma bonding? That sounds like what you are experiencing.

Kids Eat in Colour on Instagram is very helpful for fussy children.

Thank you I have heard of this term before but didn’t apply it to myself. I will look into it now you have mentioned that and I will look at the Instagram mentioned because the fussy eating is stressful as I can’t seem to find anything she likes

Sending you a hug. You sound like a kind and loving person. Your daughter is lucky to have you, and I’m sure she loves you back, unlike your selfish ex. I hope your life soon settles into a happier pattern xx

focus on you and what makes you and your daughter happy. When you build up your self worth there is absolutely nothing stopping you from having a family unit again. There is some very decent guys out there who will be happy and lucky to be part of your unit. But when you maybe have some counselling and build the self esteem your ex ripped from you. Also he sounds like a bellend. You’re better than that x----

Family units come in all different shapes and sizes op. You are still in a family unit, it just looks a little different now that’s all.

i can completely understand why you’re feeling like this because you’re actually grieving the idea of what you’re family looked like and the hopes you had for it (before he ruined it) but the truth is that wasn’t the reality.

remember like any type of grief it takes time and there will be triggers for the pain to surface again like the oven dishes and it’s ok to feel it (as long as it’s not overwhelming your life still in which case you might need a bit of therapeutic help to explore things in a safe way.) but with time and space this new family unit will become more natural and normal to you.

its hard because you are trying to be ok so you can parent and support your child in her loss so that leaves little time or space to do that for yourself too.

things will get better though just keep on keeping on and one day this will be so firmly in your past that you won’t remember a time when whatever your present looks like wasn’t the way it was meant to be.

This may have made you sad but it's a big step forward. Even the tiny things that show you are making the right decisions for you and your daughter should be celebrated because they show you how far you have come.