Divorce with 2 under 4?

[Haribosweet]

We have been married 5 years, been together 14 (on and off with going to different universities) we have a 2 and 3 year old that were planned and a house we worked so hard for, barely been on holidays, we’ve put our effort into the family home and lifestyle.

I’m posting this after many weeks of deliberation and stress, please be kind, I know there’s 2 sides to every story and have admitted I’m not easy to live with.

I had post natal depression since giving birth to our 2 year old, I know I’m not innocent, I’m not claiming in this post that he’s a bad dad or a bad person, I am still on antidepressants and suffer anxiety and panic attacks if triggered.

My DH also expressed he thinks he has depression, however, does not want to seek help, thinks pills are a fad and talking to a stranger is a waste of time and money.

This has been going on since before Christmas, it’s come to a head and I’m beginning to think we are just not healthy together. there has been some physical actions from DH, he’s thrown keys in a room with the kids in (didn’t hit anyone but the kids were shocked), he shut a door so hard the door cracked from top to bottom while I was holding my (at the time) 8 week old.

Every special occasion since Christmas I’ve been in tears from arguments (pathetic arguments that I could have overseen but the emotional state I’ve been in I’ve just crumbled), Christmas I was in tears, my 2 year olds birthday I was in tears, Mother’s Day and now Easter weekend I was in tears or away from my children, he had a family event so I just said take the children alone, I needed space and was not emotionally able to put a smile on my face.

I have recently been taking the blame for everything in the relationship, from the kids sleep, to dinners, to the state of the house/garden, me taking the kids anywhere during the week (I work part time and have the kids 2 days a week, DH works full time at home), to not keeping the kids quiet during the day, this weekend I was to blame for not waking him up on time, I lost my cool as I said you have an alarm on your phone, you knew what time we had to get there and I was busy getting the kids dressed, bags packed (it was a family morning with my grandparents - he ended up not going, I later found out he drank a lot the night before which is why he didn’t want to go).

I get regular insults such as “go back to work and see how hard I work”, “I bring in the money, you wouldn’t have this house without me”(I actually lost my parents very young and 70% of the deposit was from their inheritance), “no one would care if you weren’t here”

I had a panic attack infront of him and the kids and he said “look at the state of you, you’re not fit to look after them”

After many weeks of deliberation I have finally tried to take steps to leave him. I’m obviously doubting that as the thought of being without my children 24/7 breaks my heart more than leaving him. The children are settled where we are but I could never afford a house myself, my eldest has just enrolled in school for September and we have an amazing friend network (as previously said, I don’t have parents and I don’t talk to my sister, my friends are everything)

Is it the right thing to do? He keeps telling me I have no chance having the kids because we both look after them (I know he’s just pushing back and I know my rights, I’ve never been away from them in 4 years, he’s had multiple stag dos, nights out, he’s never been able to get them both to sleep)

I’m rambling now, I just don’t know if I should just work on it or take the leap and stop putting our poor children through this atmosphere?!

I had an ex who I remember threw keys once and did that thing slamming a door hard enough to crack around the frame once. Neither were in front of kids, one was when he was drunk and one on a comedown. We split and he went more into substances and really impacted his mental health, I was glad I got out of the relationship when I did. Obviously a different person and different situation but I would think even though it must be really hard with two small kids, if he won't change and won't do counselling you would need to be separating, as how is it going to get better if he doesn't change, and behaviour like this in front of kids is not good enough. Sorry and good luck.

Sorry for clarity I mean separate and the kids stay with you.

This should be the beginning of the end now.

You will be so much better off without this man dragging you and your DCs down and down.

If you stay, as your DCs get older, it will be a lot worse and harder to leave him.

Your DC’s should not be witnessing this violence (and it is violence), because it will affect them when they’re older.

If you are going to do it, now is the right time to get the ball rolling.

Good luck you will be okay 💐

Sorry for this. It sounds all too familiar and I think you’re doing the right thing to part as he sounds abusive.

Please be warned, he is most likely to legally get the kids 50/50 if that’s what he wants and pushes for. The court doesn’t care whether you’ve been home all the time or if he can’t get them to sleep. Sad but true. See a lawyer

Record all the instances of violence (like PP said it is violence) can be used if necessary. Also contact a DA/DV charity. What he is saying is emotional abuse. You can get out x

Is the money you put into the house ringfenced?

My DM did this when I was about 4, coming up to 5 and DB was 2. My DF was an alcoholic who refused to stop drinking even though my DM and the doctor told him to.

He threw my DB up in the air before his 1st birthday (DB was early starting to walk) and then hit my DM in the car when she got upset and hysterical. I think they separated officially after that or maybe it dragged on another year, I can't recall.

Best thing she did though.

I was going to ask this.
I unfortunately didn’t protect a higher deposit because my DH was a good guy and always promised to return a greater share back to me if we ever split. Until he wasn’t a good guy. He also had a temper and after he had an affair I decided to end the relationship. It wasn’t easy and he didn’t honour his word (surprise surprise) but it was totally worth it.

I fear I’ve fallen for the same trap as others here, I put in more of a deposit than him (inheritance) but have since been on maternity leave and earn a lot less now, I’m willing to go 50/50 as that’s what I’m expecting.

DH does have a temper and I’ve asked him so many times to get help, you can see the eyes change in these people and I know when it’s happening and by that point it’s too late.

He’s a great dad when he is in a good mood, I worry that his temper will not hold when around the children 50% of the time, I feel at the moment I can be there all the time and intervene, if needed. I do not want our DC to be at any sort of risk, that’s what I’m most concerned about 😔

Not most likely. She does majority of the care so they won’t want to disrupt that.

Read - Why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft
and please speak to women’s aid or whoever your local equivalent is.
You are in an abusive relationship and they will help you to see the light.
Start a record of everything he does/says just in case you need it in court.

You do need to leave him though. You have 2 very young children who need a functional mother which they do not have currently. He will destroy you if you stay.

Hello xxx I'm so sorry you're going through his. I can't imagine how difficult it is, particularly with two small ones. I grew up with parents who had the most vicious, toxic fights from when I was very very young. The insecurity and the lack of emotional safety I felt has hugely influenced who I am today. I would encourage anyone deeply unhappy in their marriage (ignoring of course the inevitable ups and downs) - particularly if it's toxic like yours sounds - to divorce. It really is so damaging for a child to grow up in a constantly unsettled and volatile environment. It must feel so scary to decide to go it alone (I have a toddler, I'd be terrified). You're so brave. But you will be helping your kids so much in the long run. They need to grow up in an environment that feels loving, stable, predictable, safe. Hearing that your partner threw his keys into a room they were in actually gave me the shivers which is why I wanted to respond. And the way he speaks to you. Awful.

Okay it might be difficult in the short term, but you can offer them that secure base they need. I forever wished my parents would separate. They never did, and have mellowed (now in their seventies!) But honestly, the idea that my son would hear and witness the types of arguments I did - even the petty disrespectful remarks - I can't conceive of it.

You are stronger than you think and sound like a wonderful mother xxx