Do men equate sex with love ?

[hewase]

I've read a lot of posts about husbands complaining about not enough sex in relationships. My husband mentions it a lot. He wants sex a lot and I'm menopausal so not really feeling it as much as I used to . But he seems more hurt that I don't want it rather than angry or frustrated.
So I was just thinking do they equate it more than women do to being loving rather than the deed that needs to be done ?

in short - yes, a lot of them do, even if not consciously, men often report feeling unwanted, uncared for and unloved when sex life dies down in the relationship

this by no means should imply that you need to force yourself to do anything you don't feel like, but it's probably worth having a honest chat about it

We talk about this kind of mismatch in very coded terms, so I can't be absolutely sure but my loved experience is certainly that loss of interest will be caused by some combination of resentment of the unfair allocation of chores and/or resources or simple lack of technique in the widest sense which is probably traceable back to locations of chores / resources.

It's difficult to test my theory because once you go off someone, even if the original issues can be resolved it's unlikely to get together again. It seems pretty robust to me

Another way to look at it is that if orgasms are experienced turn about, there are few such complaints about not enough. I think to best in mind if you Steeve's tempted to have PIV sex and not bothered about your own orgasms

I think they equate it with their own attractivness/virility. So might feel rejected if they aren't having as much sex as they like, but more from a bruised ego point of view than a feeling of being loved.

I do. I could wax lyrical about it being about intimacy, the ultimate vulnerability, the bonding experience, the feelings of intense desire and then the warm after glow.

But experience suggests this will tend to be boiled down to ego massage and wanting to get a physical release. So I won't!

As a man sex isn't just an act its a way to connect but also it verifies you as a man, if you understand that, without the sex/connection men start to feel emasculated. It's like a connection and way to feel secure, needed, wanted. Men need to feel wanted.

I suspect the answer for most men is a little more complicated. If sex is reduced, is it replaced with anything else or just regular rejection ?

Read some of the threads on here by women whose husbands reject their advances, I am sure the feelings your husband has will be the same as the women here.

I agree. There will be differences in exactly how it’s processed by men and woman but any underlying issues and resulting regular rejection can have the same impact regardless of gender and can quickly erode a relationship if not discussed. We all have different needs and preferences though so you would get varied answers from both men and women.

I’m female and I view sex as an important expression of love, for intimacy, bonding and connection my partner and I have with only each other. If I didn't have that then I’d worry we could end as only friends/roommates and that’s not what I signed up for. I’m lucky that I’ve never considered sex a chore to get over with, only a shared experience that I definitely do equate to being loving and loved in return.

I’m not yet menopausal though so can’t speak from experience re the biological impact on women and how this should be navigated. I might be on here eating my words in 10 years time!!

Op,
clearly you don’t read many posts otherwise you see the relationship board is full of posts by women whose male partners dont want sex.
virtually everyone mentions how unattractive, undesired and unloved they feel. so I think you are very wide of the mark indeed.

Hasn't it been written somewhere that Men are affectionate to Women to get sex, and Women have sex with Men to get affection?

Does that then mean than homosexuals have more sex and lesbians have more relationships?

"The deed that needs to be done"

Is that really how you feel about sex, OP? I'm not surprised you've lost interest - has it always been this way? If sex with your husband doesn't make you feel wanted, cherished and satisfied, some talks may need to be had ...

No, I don't think so.

I'm a man, and lack of sex has been a big sticking point in my relationship with DP over the past nearly 20 years. It's not that I feel like she doesn't love me, she shows me that in lots of different ways every single day.

But it's not simply about the amount of sex either. We had a conversation a few years ago about the best sex we'd had together, unsurprisingly we both picked completely different times, and I realised that all the times I could think of being great were when DP initiated it, and it was really clear that she wanted me, was desperate to have sex with me.

Men in general are starved for compliments, starved for affection, we also generally have a higher sex drive that our partners. (Note the repeated use of general. I know that no all men have a higher sex drive, I'm talking about averages here.)

We know our partners love us, what we don't always know is that they're attracted to us, that we're wanted, desired.

I think when a lot of men talk about wanting more sex, I think at least in some cases they mean they want their partners to initiate more sex. That was what I meant, even if I didn't realise it for most of my adult life.

Thankyou for your detailed reply... it's helped a lot

I remember reading somewhere that men want to have sex to feel loved, and women need to feel loved to want sex… that’s pretty true I think.

That's really unfair people treat you that way when you say that.

However, there is something I'm confused about. I've read male articles saying that men have oxytocin burst during sex, while women's oxytocin bursts are in affectionate situations more generally, so sex is more important for men emotionally. This makes sense to me.

But I'm having issues understanding why, if they get oxytocin bursts during sex, men find it much easier not to get attached during casual sex & find it easier to separate love from sex (talking in general terms).

Gay men, who obvs don't need to consider women's sexual preferences, have lots of casual sex and somewhere from 20-65% of married gay men are in open marriages, often saying they can have sex w randoms but it won't affect their bond w their partner.

If oxytocin surges when men have sex, why do they find it so easy to separate sex from love?

I've read male articles saying that men have oxytocin burst during sex, while women's oxytocin bursts are in affectionate situations more generally, so sex is more important for men emotionally. This makes sense to me.

But I'm having issues understanding why, if they get oxytocin bursts during sex, men find it much easier not to get attached during casual sex & find it easier to separate love from sex (talking in general terms).

Gay men, who obvs don't need to consider women's sexual preferences, have lots of casual sex and somewhere from 20-65% of married gay men are in open marriages, often saying they can have sex w randoms but it won't affect their bond w their partner.

If oxytocin surges when men have sex, why do they find it so easy to separate sex from love?

. I've read male articles saying that men have oxytocin burst during sex, while women's oxytocin bursts are in affectionate situations more generally, so sex is more important for men emotionally. This makes sense to me.

But I'm having issues understanding why, if they get oxytocin bursts during sex, men find it much easier not to get attached during casual sex & find it easier to separate love from sex (talking in general terms).

Gay men, who obvs don't need to consider women's sexual preferences, have lots of casual sex and somewhere from 20-65% of married gay men are in open marriages, often saying they can have sex w randoms but it won't affect their bond w their partner.

If oxytocin surges when men have sex, why do they find it so easy to separate sex from love?

I've read male articles saying that men have oxytocin burst during sex, while women's oxytocin bursts are in affectionate situations more generally, so sex is more important for men emotionally. This makes sense to me.

But I'm having issues understanding why, if they get oxytocin bursts during sex, men find it much easier not to get attached during casual sex & find it easier to separate love from sex (talking in general terms).

Gay men, who obvs don't need to consider women's sexual preferences, have lots of casual sex and somewhere from 20-65% of married gay men are in open marriages, often saying they can have sex w randoms but it won't affect their bond w their partner.

If oxytocin surges when men have sex, why do they find it so easy to separate sex from love?

I know this isn’t what you asked but I’m a woman and I’m very happy to have sex without love , I also don’t really want love without sex . Many many times ive seen on here ‘ it’s a want not a need’ and frankly thats bollocks. But if you’re the kind of person who believes that then there’s no explaining it tbh.

Tbf I'm the same in that I can definitely have sex without love, but I do have to know & like the person. I have a high sex drive naturally.

So I get that...but otoh people are rightfully wary of saying sex is a need bc they don't want to imply people (esp wives) should have sex they don't want out of pressure.

Personally I do think some amount of 'maintenance sex' is probs required esp if you're busy often, and most women who lose interest in sex would prefer to like it again, it can just take different methods to reawaken interest. But at the same time, women w naturally low libido or who are asexual or simply don't want it after menopause shouldn't feel under undue pressure, tho if partner wants sex then they are entitled to divorce. I couldn't imagine a wholly sexless relationship myself