Am I going mad

[Junime]

I feel like I'm going mad. Im feeling frustrated and irritated all the time I feel like my husband is messing with me or deliberately trying to provoke me.
We have had long talks after arguments and I mostly come out of it feeling like we have resolved things then when things are great again they can take a very sudden nose dive where I end up feeling like he's pushing all blame onto me and using my words against me.
He's a good dad and good husband but I often feel resentful like I'm doing the lions share. He works and provides and im a stay at home mum of two.
When things are good they're great but these occurances where I'm left to feel as I do are becoming so much more frequent i almost don't recognize him as the man I met,
We've been married 10 years.
I've ended up crying in my car on a couple of occasions recently and almost called women's aid for advice.
He is dealing with stress and anxiety at the moment which is hard for him and everytime I voice these concerns to him he reassures me but I'm becoming less convinced as it's happening more frequently

In what way does he provoke you? What kind of thing causes a nosedive.
If you're a SAHM tbf, you can expect to be doing the lions share, that's how it goes. But if you now would like to re-enter the workforce and want him to do more, then discuss that.

We've had talks about what we do in the household etc and that's ok however id love him to take the initiative a bit more, to organise days out etc I don't think we'd go anywhere or do anything unless I planned it.
He will bring up things that I thought we had settled which he's obviously resentful over but will flat out deny anything is wrong when we try to discuss it and say things like i don't hold grudges but his actions and the way he talks to me clearly says otherwise and when I get annoyed about that he uses my behavior/reactions against me by acting like the victim which confuses the hell out of me

In what ways is he a good husband and a good dad because that's not the picture you've painted here and of very day to day stuff too.

For your feelings please look up DARVO and see if anything clicks, otherwise look up emotional abuse. You can contact Women's Aid and chat/email them anyway, they might help you make sense on what is happening.

You should only be doing the house/childcare during his working hours, once he's home it is supposed to be split 50/50 - is it?

Many men don't take the initiative, they just don't especially if they are lazy. Does he do any of his chores properly or are they half arsed and you have to redo them?

You aren’t happy. So make changes. Go back to work and make the household 50/50 again. Or leave and do 50/50. Tell him those are his choices.

To me this is why having a SAHP rarely works, there is usually resentment on both sides. Working parent has the full financial burden and tied to the structure of working sees SAHP as having more free time and flexibility but also responsibility for all household/family things, SAHP feels being at home is repetitive and relentless as well as thankless , resents working parent for being able to 'get out' by going to work and being left to organise everything around the house and feels they have no off time.

Also even on mat leave with a high needs baby it wasn't 50+ hours a week of actual work without any time at all to relax or do something nice, which a full-time job plus commute can easily be

He's supportive, loving, we communicate, he's hands on with the kids
We both struggle to make time for ourselves but we try and usually manage some time for ourselves both alone & together, date nights etc
We share responsibilities with the kids outside of his work hours. I do most of not all the household cleaning aside from daily dishes which we share.
i am burnt out and have been hormonal which you could all chalk down to having small children, it's tough but something just doesn't seem right and Im now wondering if it's all in my head or it's just me which is how I'm made to feel alot.

Then go and have a chat with your GP in case there is something physical going on, whether hormonal or something else. See if they will do a counselling referral for you as well.

Otherwise contact Women's Aid. You never replied to say if you had looked up DARVO or emotional abuse though.

You need to give us some examples ❤️

What does he bring up?

If it's 'just you', does that mean that you should dismiss it as a problem?

If so, have a think about that. Have a think about why something being a problem for you means that it's a problem that doesn't need fixing.

Ok perfect example this morning, my husband comes in saying how naughty our baby is in a playful way so I call her Chucky as a joke then he says oh that's not nice then I feel bad for saying anything then I tell him that that then he says oh here we go.. another pointless argument about nothing. I mean what the hell??? I was just adding to the playfullness and now I feel like shit and he's pissed at me !!!

and that's following a really nice night last night, that's what im taking about when I say nose dive it can be something very small asks when I tried to talk to him about it immediately after he says I don't want to talk about it .. then he carries on as normal b asks everyone I being it up after this i might just be asking if he's ok or something and he'll make it about me having a problem cause of what I've Said, now if he had responded b playfully and laughed or something it wouldn't be an issue but instead he's made me feel horrible asks now I'm just left with that because he won't talk about it. Now is that me????
He also brought me tea in bed so when I try asks discuss how it made me feel later he'll most likely say you're blowing all this out of proportion I brought you tea in bed and was just trying to be nice.

Counselling. That is now my main advice.

Tbh calling your DD Chucky is on par to calling her the she devil and a bit weird if you hadn't been there at the time of the naughtiness. I'd have been a bit wtf? at you too. I get you were both trying to have fun but I think your humour at the time landed a bit wrong. Shrug your shoulders, raise you head and move on

Tbf I've never seen the Chucky movies, it's just my daughters hair was all in disarray not dissimilar to character and id just been told she was being naughty so it's the first thing that sprang to mind. In heinsight yes perhaps was a bit off, I was just trying to empathize and be agreeable I suppose

Stop trying to be something. He regularly makes you uncomfortable and then dismisses your discomfort, because he doesn't care that you feel uncomfortable.

Work out whether you want to stay in that dynamic.

I can't take this anymore, every little thing blows up into an argument and I'm always always always left feeling like it's my fault. I feel like I'm going crazy.
One day he's loving and wonderful the next he's exploding over not having any clean pants then later that day making out he's being wronged in some way.
I feel everything he does is manipulative wether he knows he's doing it or not.
I'm so unhappy but I love him I just don't know what the hell is going on!
I feel so unappreciated and what kills me is he says thankyou and does what surface level is appropriate but his behaviour is the complete opposite, I feel dizzy and confused I really need help/advice. I have young children I desperately don't want to break up my family