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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Concerns re - wife and ex.

26 replies

PJHB · 01/04/2024 14:13

Iam a man, i need some advice from the ladies here. When I met my wife she was seperated from her second husband (i thought for months, it turns out it's weeks) Sex was ok but she would say she could never let herself go and enjoy it. We got engaged after two years, then her ex turned up univited at a party and announced he was geting married. My wife went into meltdown and into a depression that lasted three months. I stuck by her despite her not wanting me around. Sex was never the same after this event. If it happened it was cold and mechanical. Nowadays, or want of a better expression, it's only an occaional handjob which I have to finish and it is again cold and I feel one out of duty more than desire. She wn't let me touch her, she says I'm either too fast, too slow, too heavy,too light or conditions aren't right. She has said several times only her ex 'Gets Her'.
I know very little bout the ex, what she told me is that not long after they met they went away for a weekend and she came back pregnant. He moved in with her but lost interest when she told him she was preganant. All he wanted was a Mother with benefits.

TBh things have become boring. She says she left him because he was boring, but she seems to do the same things over and over. She insists we go the same lace for short breaks, her favourite place, which I recently found out from her sister was where she and her ex first went. She seems to know quite a bit about his current life and often says he's not happy with 'that blonde thing he married'. I don't know how much contact they have but whenever we see him they don't make eye contact.
Things aren't easy, I need advice please.

OP posts:
YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 01/04/2024 14:19

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

PossumintheHouse · 01/04/2024 14:25

OK. So what do you get out of this relationship?

Opentooffers · 01/04/2024 14:26

Where in this did you feel it was a great idea to marry someone who clearly is still in love with their ex? An ex who you now realise probably left her because she was boring. Cut your losses, is the easy answer, this won't and hasn't got better.

RandomForest · 01/04/2024 14:27

Sounds like she's ready for number 4

Pinkbonbon · 01/04/2024 14:29

You sure SHE left him?

As pp said, you're being take for a mug. Sorry but she doesn't love you. Tbh, she probably doesn't love him either. She's just one of those people who are never happy with their lot.

It's never OK to vocally compare your partner with your ex. If you don't 'get' her then she should work with you to help you do so. BUT you never should have married someone who was openly telling you she wasn't particularly enjoying sex with you. Unless you didn't understand that's what she was saying.

I wouldn't be surprised if they text a lot (About non related to their child stuff). I think they're still very much enmeshed.

Don't spend your whole life with someone who doesn't love you mate. Chalk it up to mistakes will happen, and fix it, via divorce.

Seaoftroubles · 01/04/2024 14:43

Why on earth did you marry her if things were bad from the start?

TheShellBeach · 01/04/2024 14:46

You shouldn't have married her, OP.

If sex is bad in a relationship, the whole thing is bad IMO.

Aquamarine1029 · 01/04/2024 14:48

Fucking hell, op, throw in the towel already. This relationship is done. Stop being such a mug and run for the bloody hills.

PJHB · 01/04/2024 15:31

Thank you, I'm sorry the message was a little garbled, what I do know is he is ten years younger than her, he was 24 when they met, she was a single mother with two children. I'm confident that he left her but he has shown no interest in her as far as I know. She thought she'd have a fairytale life with him from what he promised but didn't/couldn't deliver.

I married her because I'd known her socially and we'd always got on, we lost touch for a few years, when we did meet up she was very keen to have a relationship but I realise nw that quite possibly I was just a diversion and she was waiting for te Ex, who didn't tell her what she wanted and expected to hear.

OP posts:
Nocturna · 01/04/2024 15:53

Why is it whenever someone announces 'man here' they only get want advice about their sex lives Confused

PJHB · 01/04/2024 15:56

I really ony want advice on what I should do about our relationship. The sex issue only comes about because my wife often mentions her ex'getting her' and making her feel good, at the early stages of their relationship before it fell apart.

OP posts:
TheShellBeach · 01/04/2024 16:09

PJHB · 01/04/2024 15:56

I really ony want advice on what I should do about our relationship. The sex issue only comes about because my wife often mentions her ex'getting her' and making her feel good, at the early stages of their relationship before it fell apart.

But if the sex is rubbish, the whole relationship is ruined.

Nocturna · 01/04/2024 16:11

PJHB · 01/04/2024 15:56

I really ony want advice on what I should do about our relationship. The sex issue only comes about because my wife often mentions her ex'getting her' and making her feel good, at the early stages of their relationship before it fell apart.

But yet is the first thing you talk about, in detail. Why men feel the need to come on here moaning to a predominantly female site about their sexual issues is beyond me.

Most likely expecting posters to reply sympathetically at the thought of you having to finish your own hand job, and chastising your wife who should be having sex with you.

TheShellBeach · 01/04/2024 16:13

Nocturna · 01/04/2024 16:11

But yet is the first thing you talk about, in detail. Why men feel the need to come on here moaning to a predominantly female site about their sexual issues is beyond me.

Most likely expecting posters to reply sympathetically at the thought of you having to finish your own hand job, and chastising your wife who should be having sex with you.

I'm afraid that seems very likely.

Kosenrufugirl · 01/04/2024 16:17

Leave. You deserve so much better. She isn't over her ex and might never be.

FineWordsButterNoParsnips · 01/04/2024 16:18

No one wants or needs to read about your sex life or wanking, thanks.

Just start the divorce and make better choices in future.

Pinkbonbon · 01/04/2024 16:23

If the sex came back, would you ignore the fact that she a. Doesn't enjoy it much and b. Is still in love with her ex/intent on making you think she is. ?

Maybe tbf...because you married her under those same conditions. Now maybe you didn't know then. But you do now.

What advice are you expecting? A way to get your little wifey appliance back under control just like when any other object malfunctions and can no longer service your needs? Yeah...doesn't work like that.

She's a person with feelings...for someone else apparently.

Exercise some respect for yourself. Don't stay with people who only see you as a rebound plaster.

MillshakePickle · 01/04/2024 16:51

I'm going to put it bluntly. And, sorry if I offend you. She is using you. Whether it's for financial reasons or something else. I strongly suggest it's financial.

There's no reason for her to be with you from what you're saying. She doesn't love you, find you attractive or wants to ha e sex with you.

So you need to ask yourself a couple of questions;

What is she getting out of the relationship with you?

What are you getting out of it?

Is there anything actually worth salvaging?

Could ypu potentially be happier, better off on your own or with someone else?

Do you want to spend the rest of your life with grim duty bound sex, an unhappy wife and being generally unfulfilled?

Do you value yourself and your wants and needs?

I think this relationship has run its course. You deserve better as does she. You wouldn't be selfish for ending it.

MillshakePickle · 01/04/2024 16:55

And pleeeeeease!!! Stop trashing this man. The op came on here asking for advice.

How many of you have been in relationships with terrible sex? It devalues your self worth and self esteem over time whether you're male or female.

If the roles were reversed he wouldn't be getting piled on but would have loads of sympathy and LTB replies.

canyouletthedogoutplease · 01/04/2024 17:02

Would you be happy to go to the same places on holiday with her over and over again if the hand jobs were better?

You find her boring, and your sex life sounds like whie it's never been any good, is now pretty bad, and you don't like the attachment she seems to have with her ex.

Not sure what advice there is other than communicate with her about what you need and want, but I'm sure you have tried that. Set her free to find the next husband, if you're not keen.

Elieza · 01/04/2024 17:13

I agree with Milkshake. She's using you. She doesn't love you.

I think were a rebound relationship that's turned into her using you until the man she really wants gets dumped by his 'blonde thing'.

Sorry OP. It hurts. I've been there.

It's hard to take but it does seem to be the truth, based on what she's doing.

So you to you to decide how to proceed. Stay and work on your relationship. I'd suggest no as it's him she wants. Or separate. Which seems like the next move.

I'd suggest working out the financials yourself first as you'll need to split the assets when you separate. Which can be tricky if there isn't enough money for one to buy the other out if the house etc. and someone is relying on someone else's money/credit etc.

Sorry OP

GoldOtter · 01/04/2024 18:45

Some very nasty messages on here directed at a man asking for advice when, if situation was reversed, the reaction would be very different...including the advice regarding sex.

I do you think you should look at why you got together in the first place and why you are still together. I'm leaning towards the PPs that point out the chances that your DW might not be over her PH. Time for a big, open and honest conversation and/or counselling. Pushing this under the rug is no good for either of you.

TheShellBeach · 01/04/2024 18:47

Some very nasty messages on here directed at a man asking for advice when, if situation was reversed, the reaction would be very different...including the advice regarding sex.

Not really.
Someone noted that when men post about their relationships, it's always about sex. And that's undeniable.

Nocturna · 01/04/2024 18:53

GoldOtter · 01/04/2024 18:45

Some very nasty messages on here directed at a man asking for advice when, if situation was reversed, the reaction would be very different...including the advice regarding sex.

I do you think you should look at why you got together in the first place and why you are still together. I'm leaning towards the PPs that point out the chances that your DW might not be over her PH. Time for a big, open and honest conversation and/or counselling. Pushing this under the rug is no good for either of you.

The word ‘nasty’ doing some very heavy lifting in this comment!

Garlicnaan · 01/04/2024 19:00

PJHB · 01/04/2024 15:56

I really ony want advice on what I should do about our relationship. The sex issue only comes about because my wife often mentions her ex'getting her' and making her feel good, at the early stages of their relationship before it fell apart.

You should end the relationship.

It sucks on every level.

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