What have you learned from your post divorce relationship if it didn't work

[wellwatersprings]

A thread , I guess, to share learning points and support for others regarding our own behaviours.
My own story is that I had a two year relationship with a man that began 18 months after my
Husband left us after 20 years.
I'd had therapy and was excited to be free of a useless husband and father who was sexually coercive and mean with money.
I met this man who was also 48 but in hindsight and if it were today, I wouldn't have gone near him.
Not because he wasn't kind to me or generous or loving ... but because he was a useless and lazy father, had an emotional affair while his wife had just given birth, no home to call his own and claimed bankruptcy.
Needless to say all of these points became apparent as time went on ; the emotional affair after our relationship ended ...
With me, he began as generous, thoughtful and attentive.
As the months went on, I became
Almost his nursemaid, he was always bloody sick with something or other ... he really wasn't but an absolute hypochondriac .. literally weeks before ff work every few months for a cold.
The straw that broke it for me was him staying in bed all day with yet another ' cough' that disabled him from
Working but enabled him to smoke his brains out in my bed, in my home while intermittently eating junk and watching sports on tv.
I kicked him out then as he was hinting at staying on ' a little longer as he was unwell'
So I'm doing the work and making sure that in the future , I actually see these red flags and actually act on them when I'm
Ready to date again.
I now see that I was nowhere near being ready and got completely caught up in the love bombing, future faking nonsense
What has helped you ?
How do you make sure that your boundaries are tight and which ones, in similar situations , have stood the test ?
Thanks.

I learned that if it's too good to be true, then it is too good to be true!
Also to take note of warning signs around asking very early in relationship about whether you rent or own your home, is your job permanent. Especially if they dodge answering the same when you ask them! This is how I ended up with a lazy manchild living in my house who was then very tricky to get rid of.

Interestingly, when I broke up with him he was more angry about having somewhere to go every weekend and entertaining his daughter , than losing the love of his life 🤪
Also , being in a house share at fifty did nothing for me tbh. Hope that doesn't sound snobbish but his iob( when he attended) was very well paid and his outgoings were minimal.
I also have a very well paid job and he often jokingly suggested that' we' retire at the same time despite his own pension being a third of mine and when I told him of plans to travel regularly with friends , when retired , he did not like this at all...
Often said ..' and what about meeeeee....??'

Somewhere there is a happy medium between love-bombing and being too unavailable.
Always enquire about family, how their childhood was, if they are still in contact with siblings. If there was any neglect or abuse, just don't go there, they will have emotional baggage and its not your job to put up with it or sort out, no matter how nice they appear to be at the start.

Look for them having done the work on themselves. Do they know why previous relationships have failed? Do they have friends and other good relationships? Do they understand what issues they needed to work through from childhood?

Are they self aware and insightful PLUS motivated to work on themselves to bring a better self to a relationship? That's a massive green flag.

My experience is the complete opposite - if someone says that they had a perfect childhood, run far and fast...

I was vulnerable and he picked up on that, but after 4 yrs on and off and him realising I wasn't going to let him move in permanently without contributing he pissed off.
I took time to really build myself back up and be clear about what I want.

'he was more angry about having somewhere to go....' so he was looking for someone to parent his child for him etc etc.
He might have ended up in a flat share with being bankrupt, he wouldn't have passed credit checks for reputable letting agents...
and he was hoping to sponge off your pension too!
You dodged well!

He didnt call his exes mental but may aswell have. Everyone else was at fault. He is now living with his parents providing care for his nieces and nephews whose parents are also relatively absent and parents, yet his own kids want very little to do with him! It's odd.perhaps he gets free board and lodge 😳

Mostly, thinking about it, I think it's key to remember that we can only change our own responses. What i did that was unhealthy was try to change my ex or hope that he would become the person I wanted to be, or see the world my way. He was a huge people pleaser and I could see that right away. What I should have done was seen that this meant he was not always being genuine with me and both of us were trying to mould him to make him fit the relationship. I ignored what I understood of him.

I was out of a 14 year marriage (which I ended). I was naive, inexperienced and most likely vulnerable too. So, some things I have learned:

-Take everything with a pinch of salt. Read up on red flags and different personality traits.
-Ask lots of questions, learn about their previous relationship, why it broke down. Childhood, family too.
-Dont assume all people are simple and honest.
-Listen to your gut. Pay attention to how people or their actions make you feel.
-Call out anything that makes you feel uncomfortable.
-Do not share much about your job, financial situation or property. Do not make yourself a target for users and manipulators.
-Beware of men portraying themselves as really "nice" blokes, learn about love bombing.
-Work on yourself before getting into a relationship. I made this mistake previously and this time I spent about 9 months actively working on my issues and learned to absolutely love my single life and status. I now have zero interest in pleasing anyone and making sacrifices or life adjustments for the sake of being coupled up.

I feel the happiest in years. Life is a bliss without a manipulating soul destroying tw@t that drains your energy.